08 January, 2018

A Perfect Example of Not Peace

I wanted peace, and now home with a normal cold I can reflect on the fact I have a little bit. Peace was not something to own, it was something to be in. We are having to run hoops to gather more evidence for our marriage proof for I.N.S. again, it just makes me want to have a plan B. What happens, will happen. What we do know is that we have love and no one will separate us again like it was in the past. This is very comforting to know, that these difficulties do not define or restrict our love. I will continue meditating two hours a day to observe any hurt or pain I still carry around, that may be the cause of some crazy dreams I have occasionally. This is where the morning meditation helps one to go from sleep right into meditation rather straight into any daily activities that automatically puts the sub-conscious on the back burner driving it further away from any insight. Certainly, after a few years of two hours per day meditation, I am far from being fully realized and feel more like I gathered up a few more seconds back in my reaction time. Time that can be perceived as owning my future, where I don’t see it as a problem instead yet another way to push the “I” aside…and to fully relax. Undoing conditioning from a young age is challenging when it is so tightly woven in who you are. 

A perfect example of this, is noticing rain water was running down the wall of my house, and going under a basement door. It was not a matter of house leaning more(as first thought of), I noticed it today while home with this cold, but a plugged roof drain. Of course, I had to try to fix this in the rain, knowing that any pile up of water on the roof or running into the house would soon end up being expensive. My partner just looked at me crazy, as I got the ladder up to go assess the problem. It was a tennis ball from the kids across at school probably lobbed up. A simple fix, with immediate results, not like meditation. Old conditioning made me jump up and fix it, growing up short of funds, which is can be resourceful...but can appear to others as crazy. While I was being handy, my partner made lunch in the dry indoors saying, “Credit you!” A joke that we share, to humor me. 

I know this will a long path to access peace, sitting when you are exhausted or sick, but it gradually leaves you lighter and happier. Please don’t give up, listen to a guided meditation when the mind is jumping, or when it is pacing - just watch your breath. Then one day, when you sit in silence in the dark it will be a seem-less existence. That peace was there always... just waiting for you to notice.

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