Closed and Sometimes Open Doors

I have been working with a nice client and with difficult family matters that keep me pretty pre-occupied. It came to me this weekend another example of when people expect you to react like they want you to. It is a pretty clear sign of brain damage if you trouble speaking, right? So one must keep in mind that in other areas you are affected: reading, comprehending, and rational thinking, as well. And with me, it is more pronounced when I don’t get enough sleep. I have to take a day off, every other day. I think that people would rather put this in as a character flaw, than real brain damage because it makes more sense to them as a non-brain injured person. The way I do things now is based on my inability to be understood in most instances. There are times I would rather not speak, because the work involved to make others understand when they don’t want to take the time. A lot of the time I can see on their face they do not want to hear anything from me.
Last night at a party, I was treated to my friend's mother thanking me for a being a positive influence on her son when he moved here over 20 years ago. She also thanked me for putting him up when his apartment caught fire. It was unexpected, as I have not seen her in quite a few years, so I was speechless in a good way. Later, I just stopped trying to talk at all when it became too loud, locking the door to my communication. That is when I left to walk home knowing this for me is a great patience lesson…letting it all go and smiling.

Curious Boy

When I was a boy, there were certain things in my life which were instrumental in boosting my curiosity of the world. One was meeting a young man of 19 or 20 who was cycling around the world and I talked to him while he stopped at the southern most point of the US. I was there on vacation trying to get away from my parents, and he was planning on getting to South America next. He told me many stories… of difficulties, upcoming journeys and fears. Overall, he inspired me to see more of the world and have a sense of adventure. Later, at 14, I traveled coast to coast by bus with a friend. By 17, I left home to work 2500 miles away to gain my independence. It provided me with confidence by exposing me to even more worldly people. One year later, I lived with a family while I worked with them. They were totally unlike my family, providing me with a contrast. The time there included a long, cold, and snowy winter, when I spent many an evenings talking with them. I even spent quite a few of those evenings, talking to and hearing their son’s ideas about the world. All while he was away from his family. I challenged any small ideas he carried just to make him think. I can only hope with all the time I spent, helped to expose him to the greatness of the world, as the cyclist did for me.

Our Flight

I am hoping the tragic bridge collapse in Minneapolis, might help to bring people here a little more down to earth. We constantly ignore our own booked flight with death, even going as far as hiding this fact in the USA. But it is so freeing and good for the development of our soul. Just a slight shift in our awareness about this will make us better people. We will become a slight bit less critical, more openhearted and thus happier. I am not focusing on the negative, but in turn being more realistic with the hopes that I will mature some with my age. A death here is as important as a death anywhere in the world. Everyone in the world is connected by a common want of happiness and need of others. Awareness is a first step, and with growth we will become more understanding. I have faith…faith in others.

Big Things

The small things in life are something we quickly miss or forget. The big things are often a result of many small things. With sleep we can go to places we make up, in ways we can never do while we are awake. And while awake we can encounter unique coincidences we could only invent in our dreams. Today, I was listening to RadioLab on Zoos and Alan Rabinowitz was interviewed. He just so happens to be the same person who wrote the book I am currently reading(Beyond the Last Village). Listening to the interview I found out he is a compassionate person. Perhaps, it is because he had trouble talking as a boy, until he was discovered talking to his animals in the dark. He took this further to a career, once he learned to speak to people, working with nature and animals. I did not know this from the book, which I just started, and now it will take on greater meaning. I often wonder that once people who I meet get beyond my voice, does it become a small thing? For me it started me taking a hard look at being more compassionate. It was a weird coincidence that the most difficult thing I could ever dream of, was also the greatest gift I ever received.

What will we leave?

I met with a friend yesterday, and over dinner I proposed to him to start thinking of his legacy. He had just returned from helping his parents when one had taken ill. Perhaps, that might give you something concrete to work on and for. Something besides work, even if it might be in a 'giving field'. When you are a gay man with no children, you often forget about what do you leave the world with. Sure, we have nephews and nieces both our families. We are close to our families, but as of yet have no children. Children help to remind you of a greater purpose. I am helping him to complete college, which will give him knowledge and a bit more power in a poor country. We are hoping it will also make his families life better in the future. As the first person in his village to go to college that alones gives him much respect. He inspires his nephews to continue school. I was thinking of working for an NGO helping other poor people when he finishes his degree, but I will see how things progress. Together, we were upset with how bad off children are in Cambodia (to help, see Streetfriends link). I will let him decide about this, and it depends if he goes on to a master’s degree. Trusting his judgment, we will work on our legacy together.

Ouch!

Oh, what a crushing feeling! They had better get it right with Iraq. We are producing more enemies than we had when we started. There is, contrary to Bush’s latest promotion, less than 10% Al Qaeda are fighting the troops in Iraq and they just started there in 2003-2004. Most, if not all, Iraqies dislike them because they would tell them what to do and how to live. Not understanding history and the culture will be our downfall in Iraq.
Now, take this down to our home turf. We are more and more divided in he USA based on our differences…and our love of money. We will sell our soul for money, and we will kill everything beautiful to make a buck. If we take time and think about our children and what they will have left in the world, we might support our dwindling natural resources, parks, and our heritage. If we try to leave a more beautiful world than we have right now, our children will be proud and our soul will rest easy in the future.

Conehead Not

I waste time, on occasions trying to think of what to write here. Oops, here it comes...coffee just kicked in! I do feel that we often put on the dunce cap when it comes to understanding others. It is very difficult to put yourself in someone’s shoes. We want to fix it fast and get rid of the problem, even when our way is not the best way for others. It is very hard to assemble someone else’s life experience in our mind and then come up with a good understanding of their reaction to similar circumstances. So I waste time, and not have empathy. But I still cannot just shut up and let it roll, and let unfold their lives as they see fit. Do we often want to fix others to avoid work on ourselves? I am having fun thinking about life, and my decisions. Happy with the work I do, and the disability that has brought me down to earth. I met an actor over dinner who assumed I am not from here with my funky speech. It allowed us a jumping point to an interesting conversation, because I was not offended by his remark. So in some ways, I have relaxed, in other ways I would like someone to kick me in the ass and say go for it. Do the radical move I want to do. You never fail in making a decision, only fail in not making them.