Chose The Big Picture

I’ve often said that we chose the things that bother us and those that don’t. It is so funny that we will waste time getting angry about being 5 minutes late and blame innocent drivers in front of us. To the point of getting red-faced and cursing their mother. Just look in your view mirror, and you will probably see the driver behind doing it to you. Just like the “C” I got in High School English that nobody cared about, no one is going to remember you being 5 minutes late for anything. Or care. And when I was near death in the hospital years ago, no one talked to me about being late or my grades, as they chose to worry about the big picture. How was I going to survive this and would I ever have a brain left? If I only had a brain! Just their choice to focus on me getting better gave me the life force to accomplish the impossible. I picked up the pieces and ran with it. So, go ahead and chose something with some meaning like helping others instead of focusing on the things we can’t really change. When I started examining myself, I was amazed how easy it is to be bothered by small unchangeable stuff. It is not all gone, but I am working on it in almost every instance. I am happy with who I am and the wisdom I have. And the wisdom I can work to obtain. Happy Holidays!

Blowing Off Steam

I have been noticing that I am feeling uneasy. That is uneasy not depressed. It is not affecting my sleep, eating or exercise. I've been seeking small pleasures to avoid seeing the real hopelessness I sometimes feel about my life. This can be brought about by not enough work, or unable to see my partner more. When I see myself craving a little piece of dark chocolate or a cup of good coffee, it is a sign. I am almost unable to do anything, perhaps paralyzed by the fear of not knowing. Sure, I can exercise, see friends and maintain obligations and order. So really, what I am experiencing can’t be witnessed by those around me. Which is fine, my experiences are just that… mine. I will say I am fairly confident that are not unique to me. Meanwhile, I am nursing a knee injury that keeps from running, but not swimming or yoga. I should turn this whole experience I am feeling to use as an exercise in dying. Like the dying of knee or my vision with age, is a small taste. There is more where that came from. We all die, and the sooner we realize this we can focus on the present. So we enjoy relaxing with death. I still can laugh, see the beauty of life, people, and kindness. I heard of a great story of a lay minister helping immigrants in Tulsa unslaved, which prompted me to write a thank you to him. So with the uneasiness, I can still see things as they really are. All of which will be explored when I do the 10 day meditation.

Night Moves Me

This is about as much as I can say when I meditate. But, today while meditating, I have come to realize that any anger or displeasure I have managed to lose through awareness and teachings is filled with compassion. This was a new revelation...a light bulb moment. So, changing of my anger even in most innocent forms only increases my compassion. But I can't rest here, I am a work in progress.

Direct Hit from Poem Man

Here is a a guy pecking out a poem for me one day. With one thought or a word he whips out a poem fast and with no difficulty. I wish I could write so easy. Thinking, perhaps he has worked up to this, but I suspect he had all from the beginning. Some of us are like this, some inherent gift brought out by an event or encouragement. So I mentioned that I was unhappy with Bush’s word change ability to escape the appearance of lying. What was stated as, “No permanent bases in Iraq” has been conveniently changed to long term bases to avoid the permanent base statement. Long term can be a couple hundred years or whenever the high tech embassy and pool needs a redo. Meanwhile we have lassoed a new territory, on fake claims.
Anyway here is the guy’s poem he made for me:

An occupation by any other means
would still be as endless as this tired life
like a temper or an airy long term engagement
and saying what you mean doesn’t make you nice
why do they call the average the mean, average age?
less and stay the same more Mr. President
if your words were meant to be permanent then,
why would language be made of the air

Night Vision

One thing we often forget is the beauty that is right in front of us. We often want to get away from it all, thinking that by going somewhere else we will find things different. But when we arrive we are still the same person. One way get over this idea one has to find the beauty that lies inside. This upcoming silent meditation, will make me stop the noise of life that I often use to fill my life. When I go into retreat I can see the quiet wisdom lurking in my mind.
I have also found someone who shares my interests in photography while inspiring me to reach higher. They have proposed to me that if I can survive my brain injury, then I can put the same energy to a better use. A calling has not quite taken any form yet. But, at least this photography ignites the flame inside. Sometimes I like to think I am there and we can relax. But do I really? Life is ongoing, new problems will always arrive and to learn and get the most out of our precious human life we have to work hard. Looking at myself, I know I can be better in most everything, including how I see life and react to these same problems. So by going out at night, I hear the ambient sound, and see the slumbering city in quiet seduction. No phones, no net, no TV ...a kind of mini-preview to meditation. My new goal is to try to convey this with what I have always had in me with my vision in photography.

Small Treats

On the bus home after going to my Buddhist Temple, a young man was playing a guitar, and he got off on my stop and played on the walk home. What a treat, reminding you of how little you need to change your mental state and make your day even better. This is after a great teaching about patience at temple and a day of rest earlier. On a rainy day, I don’t usually want to spend a day in bed, but it almost ended up this way. My body said, “hello, it’s winter and you need to slow down!” Yesterday, I did stay up late with a dinner with a friend and seeing a long film, Lust/Caution. It was a beautiful story, but it shows the real tragedies of love. When one has expectations of what they want out of love, and it most certainly is not patience. I finally spent time talking to a fellow member of my temple, about our experience of patience and anger, and how much we have learned. But learning about patience and applying, makes it clear that we need it to keep learning and use to practice more. I did get accepted into the 10-day silent meditation and of course I know it will be mental work. Maybe when I done it will take a firm hold and grow like a weed.

Cleaning My Mental House

What comes with cleaning my house and seeing past the mess, is a look at myself. I am always hoping to mature with wisdom and grace. This will provide a better example to those around us. I still feel I have too much anger in my life, over what happened to me and how society treats gays. It is always good to look at how you see the world and relate to it. Knowing that it is a whole lot easier to change your mind than the world in general. So it leads me back to wanting to examine myself and how I think. I applied for a ten day meditation, where there is no contact with each other, phone and net. You wake up at 4 am and start to meditate, and end at 9pm with any questions with the teacher. It sounds hard, but mostly when you consider you are examining yourself and how you think. It is my assumption that I will probably be upset for about the first four days when I try to settle my mind and abandon any idea of a clock and outcome. You get to see, I hope, what life really is…a dream.