A Desire for Peace

The beautiful young women sat beside me after yoga, apparently the teacher told her to speak to me about meditation. She was interested how my 10 day Vipassana course went, because she is wait listed for an upcoming course. She looked at me with such unease, but also had a firm desire to find peace. I talked to her about how it works, and not to fight her mind. The nature of the mind is to think. So, to let it drift and have compassion for yourself, even chuckle when you find yourself on the fourth shoot off the original nugget of thought. Saying, “Don’t think it will all end, but you will tire of it and relax… letting them drift by and then remember to come back to the breath. It is a great self-discovery to know what your mind is doing all the time whether you like it or not. The peace comes in with the acceptance of the truth, and the ability to finally be at ease with it. You get to experience the peace that is always there. I did convey that it is fun, and you have plenty of company and how I wished I had done it earlier. I also mentioned I am going back to serve at the end of this month to give back. I said, “What else you need, good food, nice surroundings, and possible friendships with others on the same path. Dispel any worry, it has not happened yet and your body will relax into it at it’s own rate…no one forces you to do anything. There are teachers to ask questions of, and just know the servers have all done a course or more and are there in spirit. She asked if I was in class the following day, I replied, "yes." I will offer any wisdom that I feel is appropriate to aid in her confidence to do such a valuable course. How exciting!

Some Kindness that Saved Me

I thought it would be nice to recall kindness, spurred on when a friend of mine is putting together a movie on it. Way back, when I had my brain damage and hospitalization nightmare, I was put in a local hospital connected with the Dr. who caused this trauma. My mother and family conferred that it would be a good idea to hire a day & night nurse because I was in such critical stage with an outcome that could easily be death and who knows what could happen. One wrong move, or forgetting to suction my lungs once could kill me. From what my Mom told me my sister found the nurses. The night nurse was an ex-Vietnam War nurse and he was an angel who inspired me everyday and got me to do a thumb’s up on my weak side for the first time when all the Dr.’s said at the time I would never be able to go home and survive. He talked to me like an adult, even joking to me, chastising me for being in this position.
That nurse would, at dawn, report everything I did with him, and give my mother much hope. At night, on breaks would go smoke cigarettes with my partner, at that time and my brother to fill them in ...in a relaxed manner while emotions were still high. His compassion shined through even though I was intubated and going in and out of consciousness. So I could not forget him nor could my family. My sister sent him a poem, and my mom wrote a Thank you. I wrote my first Thank you when I got home from the hospital after a month, which was very difficult because I still could barely read. He died less than a year after I got home, and our thank you’s found by his brother painted a beautiful picture of this nurse’s life. I still have the letter his brother wrote me, about finding the tributes. So if you are inspired by kindness submit a story to the film.

Accidental Awareness

Monday night I was talking with my partner, and he mentioned to me he wanted to go to law school. This came as a surprise since he just got through with his masters in Marketing and complained of being so tired, because he did so working a full time job Monday – Friday. My first reaction was shock and thinking that his new time off weekends threw him. I had to really think of what to say, and to make him think clearly about why this came up, supposedly from nowhere. I say nowhere, not as a reaction for not accepting any change, but more knowing he has never shown interest in law in the past. So, I backed off somewhat, telling him what to do and that if it makes him happy, go ahead. This still did not take the shock away from my awareness. Since this conversation happened at night, it left me trying to find peace with his new idea I went in search of some non-dual speakers. I think I was on Robert Wolf’s site and found Bentinho Massaro talks on YouTube and was pleasantly interested. After the fourth video I said this man is awake, and found myself up late at night. Listening to more the following days, while in conversation with my partner about his new idea, I was relaxing an outcome that would be acceptable to me. I kept telling my partner that I love him and to do what makes him happy when every time it came up. Meanwhile, I had found that Bentinho was here in town, coincidently and I saw him not just one evening, but also a whole day retreat. After hearing him speak and deal with people’s questions on Friday, I knew I had to see him on Saturday. I came home on Saturday after the all day retreat, evening and was so happy that it made it hard to go to sleep. Waking at 2am in a great mood and was chatting with my partner of 10 years who decided that he did not want to go back to school, now. In ending the conversation saying that I love him. His reply, “That’s amazing!”

Planting the Right Seed

Many times, we are in a situation and don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason. Perhaps, it is because it doesn't go as planned. Maybe it is because we are not getting enough attention, and someone else is doing all the talking. We have a tendency to try every angle in our head while waiting for someone to give us a break. We think if we figure it all out, we will be at ease. “If they only knew!” Multi-tasking, when instead, we could just rest in awareness. Today, such a thing happened and so the mind drifted to what I need to get done, I smiled and watched the birds, near-by. Not to signal boredom, but if the conversation doesn’t include me, I can still listen, which one registers by looking in the person’s eyes while they speak. The unease comes from it not going as we planned it in our head, because everyone knows we have a lot to say. But no one else is in our head... besides us, and so we start to plant our seed of self-created suffering when instead we could have just enjoyed the company, the day and relax. Are we that important? If I excuse myself and leave will I feel better? Not really, and today I did just this, let them talk, and just settled back, relaxed, watching and feeding the birds. It changed all my expectations, so when I came home there was no need for meditation. Instead of doing what I had planned earlier, since I was late, I took it as a seed of life as it is, and calmly cooked the nuns a meal for tomorrow. At the same time made tea and food for a friend while he was busy making phone calls, another unplanned event.

Sunrise, Sunset?

We commonly say the sun sets and rises based on how it appears to us, and yet we know the earth rotates the sun. What else are we confused by? How many times have you argued with another person and days later you find out you are wrong? It takes a big person to apologize for your mistakes, especially when you think the other person forgot. I have had just two people in my life come back to me after the fact and apologize. When have you apologized for wrong appearances?

“To realize truth our whole being has to be brought to accord with actuality, with things as they are. Which requires that in communication with others we respect things as they are, by speaking the truth. Truthful speech establishes a correspondence between our own inner being and the real nature of phenomena, allowing wisdom to rise up and fathom their real nature. Thus much more than an ethical principle, devotion to truthful speech, is a matter of taking a stand on reality, rather than illusions. On the truth grasped by wisdom rather than the fantasies woven by desire.”
— Bhikkhu Bodhi

"I want everyone to be healthy"

The man naively said to me, when I asked how his wife is doing post back surgery. He said he was tired of having to bathe her. I guess he forgot his vows, and he was referring to his circle, and it was not a general wish for everyone. I said, "Right now, you are O.K., wouldn't you be pissed if someone said this about you? You know it is just a matter of time, aging hits eveyone of us." This same man complains of his kidney stones, yet won't drink enough water. I suggested aloe vera juice when he complained of reflux. It makes me think about what I do that contrasts my well-being. In fact just writing this seems trite, so I ask forgiveness.
Bicycling to the store the other day, moving quite fast, a woman turned right in front of me across the bike lane to back up in a driveway, she saw me and did not care. I braked hard, and the rear wheel lifted up, but no wreck, I was attentive. Anger rose up fast, but I said to myself ...this where the path is put in motion. Stop it, don't curse her, don't wish harm...she won't change for me. Release the anger, as I rode up to her at the light she got stopped by. The first victim of my anger is me, and as the light turned green rode on, with a smile.

we already have everything ...We Seek

My vipassana experience pulled my “I” apart from my body awareness. What this did for me is to enable me to drop the attachment to this old aging body. So, when I am tired or my shoulder hurts, it is not “I’m tired, or my shoulder hurts,” and more my body is affected, my awareness is not. I have the same awareness whether or not my body is hurt or tired. My choice now is not attach to anything as unstable as the body. It is not the same one I had 5 years ago, or even just yesterday.

Back when I had my near death, and subsequent hospitalization with brain injury, “I was a little foggy” and yet still had humor, anger and the whole range of emotions…I still was aware. I realized over the span of a year(yes, a slow learner!), that I had to drop any ideas of who I was in the past, the attachment to the “I” that existed before the injury. Sure, I could set unrealistic goals, but I was smart enough not to speak of them, so if I failed no one could call me on it. My core being was not damaged, only my brain…so if I walk funny or talk totally bizarre it is my body. I began to notice hopeful inquisitive people ask, “Where are you from?” If I laughed they would relax as well, as I would. If I tried to protect myself, my “I,” would only turn out badly or even pathetic. Laughter about who the hell "I" was, post my coma and journey to the next life(short-lived, but fun), only foretold the future to a better outcome. Don’t try so hard, everything we are... we learned, you did not have a hard drive filled with software ready to rock. Unlearn..that there is not anything out there that you don’t have inside of yourself.