Effects or Expectations?

The effect we have on others is often forgotten. Last night my past lover and now a close friend called. He has been busy and I have not heard from him in awhile so when he called I felt relieved. Hearing his voice, I cannot undo the memories of the time we spent together. We, of course have skillfully moved into a rewarding friendship. I won’t say this was easy but necessary because there was still love…maybe in a different form. Thinking, it is something everyone should do when they breakup. This happens when you have solidly developed a friendship when you are partners. I have two other past relationships, besides this one that have evolved into close friendships. Now, they are going on 10 and 20 years. I know it hard to be mature when a relationship breaks up, and feelings are raw. But look to the future and what you want to keep that you still find valuable. Looking at my photo, my father would often forget how the effect he had on me. What mistakes he made or where I would go in my career and when. Luckily, towards the latter part of his life, he tried much harder to be understanding, and compassionate. Sadly, it could not fully undo the damage he caused when I was a boy. But, I had matured in my expectations in the years after his death.

Flowers of Love

Remaining in a calm state the day proved rewarding. I made brunch for a friend to save us both money Later, helped a client for free, to show that I care about my referrals. She wanted a darker stain on her lamp parts, and I did it while talking with their family. Instead of charging her and being firm, it was easier to just do it for free. Her husband gave me a beer while I worked on them in their living room, so it was like working for old friends.
I would like to dedicate this day to my partner who has brought me great joy for over 6 years. Hence the two flowers photo. I find it difficult to be apart, but you know the difficulties placed on us gay people and the rights we are missing to marry or get a civil union. This would allow us the same rights as heterosexuals. But, I at least have been instrumental in forwarding our rights the past 20 years, and see progress with acceptance. So, I try to remain positive knowing change takes time confident it does not change our love.

A Walk in the Night

It took a night to wind down after a busy week. Last night a couple of clients took me to Pakistani dinner and a drink after being happy with my conscientious work on their commercial building. I worked with another client today helping her finesse some cheap lamps into better looking ones by adding hardware and painting some. Finally at the end of the day, I got a chance to talk to an old friend for an hour on the phone. Later visiting another to get some cheap dinner and talk. Taking photos tonight to find an interesting one for this page. I found it odd when talking to a client earlier and putting some paper trash in recycling, she said, “You are not one of those?” I quickly said “Yes, I am.” I care about the environment and my impact on it. It kind of made her think, but I am sure it won’t change her mind or bad habits. I found it interesting that she has a child, and I don’t.

A Dog Day

On Sunday, at a party a Chihuahua was running around among all the people. He jumped up on my lap. I guess he sensed my calm state brought on by Saturday’s all day meditation. He quickly fell asleep even with all the people and noise. It also came in handy today with work and dealing with an uncooperative painter who was painting for my client. He took upon himself to ignore what the client and I agreed upon and make decisions only to make his job easier. I worked in some of his ideas he had made the client agree to, but then when I was firm with my ideas, to make his ideas work he stormed off. I maintained throughout, which is just short of a miracle. I did not raise my voice, nor did I disrespect him. It does point to the good changes I have made in the last three years. I know that I can’t rest on my laurels and need to keep on working for the remainder of my life. The old habits we have are so much a part of us, that changing our mind is an ongoing process.

The Hidden Buddha

The day after a full day of meditation that brings the Buddha out of you. I was much more calm and even tempered and quite relaxed. I am always reminded in a good way to keep doing it, seeing slight progress nearly every time. Today, I answered a posting by a woman who wanted to know what to do with her life and was open to suggestions. I told her about a Japanese woman I met with my partner while traveling. She was alone traveling all over S.E. Asia writing a blog and getting financial support by Japanese men at home to timid to do what she did as a woman. It brings me to the point that we have a lot more freedom to do whatever we want in life and often feel hampered by our own mind. Is it the fear of change? Or, trying to be so safe we often miss out on the fun and exciting things this world has to offer. The simple fact of leaving our own little world is very liberating. I used to joke, looking at the carpet in someone's house..."No, I'll just follow the path!"

The Mind is Never Abandoned

I am feeling sort of like I abandoned my sister and her son since I got back from seeing them. We both have talked since I returned and we both feel the void. I was told that even their dog, who I liked was acting funky. I can’t complain because I had a good visit, now can I?
So I took the great opportunity that just happened to come up today, a day-long meditation on Lamrim. It was four of the twenty-one meditations, with breaks in between. It gave me time to make my practice better and to think about everything happening right now. I won’t hint that it was easy, because it wasn’t, even for someone like me who meditates at least four times a week for under an hour. Luckily, each session was guided with teachings in advance by my teacher. This is the same one who inspired me and keeps me on track for learning more. I dedicated all the merit I acquired to my Mom. This may sound silly after the feelings about my sister and her son stated earlier, but Mom created our ability to be a close family.

Flight of Happiness

Today, I had a couple of weird events happen. One was an acquaintance texting me, and detailing his problems that are reoccurring. At the end of one message he complained and then added don’t tell him to do anything that I find works to quiet the mind like meditation, temple or exercise. I finally had to call him, and just say then what the hell do you want?(A friend brought this to my attention, that doesn't sound like me. It was not what I said, just a shortened version of my point) Condemn my solutions, ignore my common sense ideas I propose every time he whines, then go see professional help or just leave me alone. I can’t offer you comfort that you will never hold on to. Which brings to the conclusion I expounded to him about... is that you will never find happiness outside of yourself. The minute you give over your own power to have happiness to other people or things you will fail to find it. Lovers, friends, money and health cannot be depended on to make one happy. Just look at your past love, and how you once loved them and now at best, they are casual friends. Or a friend in the past that is now an enemy. Every thing in life changes, except for how you think about it.
The other thing that happened was a client who was late to their last minute change appointment. Upon arriving they really don’t have clear idea why they called me or what they want to do. Nor did they want to pay me to dig it out. I left befuddled but not upset, stopping by the park to pick berries and then go home for a nap.