No Rebirth, No Ghosts, and No Gods

With a re-examination of what he was taught or had passed down to him, and the new freedom to learn; my partner explained that there is no rebirth, no ghosts, and no god(s). He now believes this and that those are only taught to control people. He went on to say that this is about it, that is ...one life and by walking the Buddha’s path of wisdom we can make it easier for yourself and others. Free-thinking is a new idea for most Thai’s, caught solidly in the black & white dictates of society. This happened at his own time, and he still hangs on to some ideas to loosen later when he learns more.

This is a sign that he is slowly adjusting himself to American culture while reserving the good parts of his culture. It is hard to qualify our culture when it is mainly a potpourri of many others that are quickly displacing our English/Christian beginnings that formed the society. So, I have not given birth to a monster by our marriage and his move here. His comfort with the solid love and caring I have provided for 13 years helps, when he feels strange in this new land with others. With my practice and meditation, he in turn feels like he provided me with some inspiration, as well. Especially, when I show any anger, even though more than half incidents come from my brain injury and aphasia. As he jokes, “Ghost In!” even without me saying or doing anything. Just being...grumpy.

Let Him Smell You First

Tied up to a parking pole that they put in to keep people from driving into a store, was an older dog, and I could tell by his eyes he was blind. Walking up to him let him smell me, first, so that he knew I was not going to hurt him thus allowing me to pet him. I instructed another guy working pushing carts back to the front of the store, how to approach him because his apprehension about this dog was palpable and that could also make the dog react negatively. Also not to roll carts close by him, because he feels the ground. It will make him uneasy. Dogs as well as many other animals can sense one’s fear, anger or any other strong emotional states. And I know from my experience that an animal body adapts to changes regardless of how severe for as long as you are alive. If your body can adapt to change, your mind can, too.

So, yes ...I did let him smell me, so many years ago... he saw my intention and put aside my many flaws, because he knew I would never hurt him intentionally as I also sensed from him and this launched us into a relationship 13 years ago. We finally married this month when the law allowed and continue our life together in the same house… no longer separated by a huge ocean. Few people can understand that the marriage did not change anything we did not have already. 

The Way-Back Machine: A Rebirth

Most of us can agree, that any experience we have had is stored in the body, waiting to influence our next move or interaction in a stealth way. One might never recall certain things just because they were painful the first go around. No need to relive old pain, there is plenty enough of brand spanking new pain to involve yourself in for eternity. Which is probably the reason why most people don't explore other avenues besides reviewing it with a psychologist. Like when life presents a challenge like divorce, break-up, alcoholism or job loss. Most would approach new problems as they develop, understanding how to cope with them as they unfold. When I was younger, I saw a psychologist after a job loss seemed to pull the carpet out from beneath me. After a couple of sessions unraveling my past as a clue to why it was a difficult time for me, I found myself with more issues than I thought, I came in with. I was intelligent enough to know that she would have to steer me into thinking differently about what happened currently and the past probable causes. But that it was going to me that made changes in thought patterns or perception and so I discontinued and started a new business. That kept me busy not to wallow in my misery just enough, but that I had stamped back down some of the causes which were too painful to deal with.

If I look back now at my life, then it did seem like behavior/problems were bubbling up in different ways, while at the same time I wasn't totally useless. I was able to cope, keep some friends, and be involved in relationships.  There lies the problem if it doesn’t affect you enough to make you want/need a change then it all seems fine. But various times in my life I would look at others, and wonder why they seemed to have an almost carefree life, and things came up rosy more often for them. Sometimes it is just a one-sided perception, but other times it is spot on with its ability to show you that something is not quite right in your life.

There is also the reason that once I had been exposed to the brightness of someone who has a successful life made better by a holotrophic breathwork session. He also gave me my first one to try as a gift. And my second session last Sunday, was definitely a birth trauma leading to rebirth. It seems to follow going back in time from my first session to trapped feelings surrounding my birth. Most babies don’t want to leave the womb and so begins maybe the first fear one encounters. You don’t remember it, but your body stores it. Now, of course I will never really know if my session was rebirth or not, but as an intelligent perceptive person it did seem very close. A black hole surrounded by golden light, and I encountered a fear where I was flipping my head left and right, and broke into a scream/cry, “NO” while crunching up into a ball for quite a long time. Later, it subsided into a sense of forgiveness for me, and others. Then as the music got more peaceful, morphed into a resurrection of sorts, a heart opening. It was resolved in its own way, and has left me exhausted for a few days. Emotionally drained, but not in a bad way. I do feel calmer, and able to let things go easier.

One might say he made this all up to conquer it, or it was never really a rebirth just symbols of what I might be holding on to that needed a release. (Perhaps it was my near death or the insertion of stomach tube?) That the body only replayed something that it is familiar with or the active mind made up, but time will show me the scope of change brought on by whatever this experience was. Subsequently, after these last two sessions my dreams are current time wise, meaning, I think that I am not going over childhood fears or traumas and I even said my current age in one a few nights ago. My dreams have also included a new conscious awareness of absurdness of them when I am dreaming which then takes me out of them calmly.

My intention was to make myself as well adjusted as I can be, so that my partner will sense a greater stability with all the change he will encounter that is outside of us. So that in our home, he won’t feel like a stranger with less of my unresolved body sensations that could percolate out with our marriage. It was never a perfect world, and he has had a difficult time himself, and I don’t need to add to it. 

The removal of obstacles chant

Life is ...a Set-up

All wrapped in me, we stumble through life trying to find meaning. Often while wasting time searching out all kinds of supposedly happiness, that lie outside of our little bubbling internal world. So, here I am, fixing all the things I need to so that when my partner arrives, I can spend all my time with him showing him around, with no pressing projects to finish. It is becoming obvious that I am continuing to set him up in the best way, I know how. It will become his house soon enough, I was a temporary babysitter, really. And re-coating the floors today, I realized to love him ...was to believe in him, giving him as much help as he needed to flourish. Many years ago, when he was between jobs and was kind of lost I kept offering to help him finish school. Too proud at first, to take me up on my offer, he resisted. Knowing him now, it was to preserve our love by not being a taker. Then one day he decided, knowing I would also have to help with support him for a while. He got a loan for the first year, then the Thai government stopped the loans, not wanting too many people smart as evident by the current political turmoil. Luckily, he was well into it to quit out of pride, and I jumped in to help.The rest is our history, and he went on to a masters while working at the same time.

Now, for him to leave his country, and almost everything he knows is brave and he does this out of appreciation for me being there for all these 13 years. I saw a beautiful transformation in all these years, and when he had the visa in his hand, a humbling and loving appreciation which he recounted with true honesty. He never thought it could happen, beyond most of his dreams. I replay that day in Bangkok over and over in my head, because it all unrehearsed and true to the love we share. Our “marriage” was years ago, and the upcoming legal one will just be icing for us. Meanwhile, I work hard on letting go of any expectations, knowing him well enough to be able to work within his capability.

My recent holotrophic breathwork sessions have released a lot of deep down internalized anxiety from my childhood that would direct how I see the world and react in the past. And I did it all to make me the best partner I can be.

One can find meaning in life by helping others. You don't have to be a mother or even a lover ...just someone searching for meaning to our complex life. Helping others you will, at one point, find the greatest love of all...yourself.

Stretched Between...then a Release.

It was a sunny on a warm white sanded beach. I stood in the sand, between two taught stretched white cotton panels, hung between two coconut trees by ropes. I was supposed to meditate while standing up, and the two tight panels hugged me front and back to support me in case I relaxed and fell back or front. I could, if I opened my eyes see through the loosely woven cotton to the ocean and the light slope of the water. Playing in the surf were others who are not part of my history of familiar people, signaling forced seriousness perhaps.  I guessed the panels referenced the suspension while I wait for my partner’s visa, but I have never felt I was missing out whenever I meditate.

With this dream in the back of my mind, I wanted to go back to the south of Sri Lanka to just chill out. My partner said, “Go!,” since he was busy days and offered to pay for my flight, but deep down I was torn. We still don’t know about his Visa to come back to the US to marry and live with me. The embassy has his passport and their last request, “a single certificate” was not on our checklist from them, nor had our lawyer heard of it. He found out how to get one, with his Mom’s help from his home city government, completed it and sent it in. These are only good for 6 months, and if the embassy drags this out longer our visa fee, and other stuff will expire. They can demand anything, I heard from another chap who finally got his partner's visa. This has been frustrating to say the least.

If I take off not knowing, I may be shortening our time together if his visa doesn’t pass. Surely, we have thought about this and have a plan b and c and have dealt with our separation remarkably well for 13 years, but we have strengthened our bond these last 5 months over all the paperwork driving home our history. Looking into increases to almost all costs of this trip, to do alone it really felt selfish. There is a whole new appreciation for the other, which makes an upcoming potential separation seem even more difficult. We can do it, as we have in the past, but then it will push me in making another decision reflecting on the visa's failure. With all this in mind, I decided at the last minute not to go and in my partner’s formally stoic reply... to go ahead and go, he radiated the love that we felt. We try not to mess with each other’s idea of happiness, but when the hearts meet again it is lovely.

Two hours after I posted this ....and after a whole years process my partner received his fiancé visa. Our 13 years are finally recognized by our government. And I was around to see his reaction!

Countdown?

I tell my partner, "Go ahead to the pool, I’ll pick up the wet laundry." He replies, “Jai Dee!”, a title I recently gained with my meditation and relaxation into what is. Of course, it is not permanent, and I have to work on it constantly, with my many years of being over-reactive, generously conditioned by growing up with alcoholism.

Earlier today, he started singing near me while watching a youtube concert with headphones on….while I was meditating. I was just 25 minutes in and relaxing in my body. I felt anger arise in my body, but just watched it like it was an enemy of happiness. So, I took this opportunity to have some fun, because it was a subtle sign of him needing attention. He was facing me sitting on the bed, actually enjoying the quiet body near him. Then from a totally silent unmoving body, I just made a scary, “BOOO!” and a wild face. He loved it, although it scared him making his hair stand up on his arms.

I smiled and said, “It must be time to eat!” He motioned with his hands near his eyes, like horse blinders, “Gin Kao.” It was an inside joke, that I created when I noticed when he wants food, he wants it now, not 5 minutes nor a half-hour later.

If I am committed to our happiness, it can not be only a passive observation, and it has to be flexible and bend around every new obstacle. Even if is self-created. It can be as simple as relaxing and dropping any expectations. It is often observed as difficult at the moment, and believe me I still can beat myself up over this, but I'm learning and re-learning through observation. This is a great fast forward into the difficulties of aging happening all the time regardless of which age you are. To be sure I write about this mainly to remind myself, and if it helps others that is a plus.

Last night we walked up to the roof to see the year end fireworks, it felt like a foreign experience...a sober observation of others joys. I wondered if the others on the roof celebrating could see our causal relaxed interactions that have took over a decade of commitment to develop?

The Funny Thing About Love

My partner took a long afternoon nap, and I know the pressure from work and the idea that his life will change dramatically because on Friday we spent a long filling out forms for his interview for a Visa. I worked around it, even joining him for an hour of it. I took off to do errands, and he offered to drive me, and I said. “I don't mind taking public transportation, you just nap.”
  
It took me a long time to learn this, but when I finally my partner be himself and do what he wants and when, the love blossoms naturally and freely. Of course one might say that we have matured in our relationship, but I surely had to let go of my desires, and just trust him fully. I have said in the past that if he or for the matter me, did anything wrong it would have never been done purposely to hurt the other. In reviewing my past actions, I could easily say that in times of personal insecurity, I would pressure him to fill my vacuum. No one likes to be forced into action that is not naturally in his or her way of expression. My wisdom in this came out of meditation exploring feelings as they appear in my body. Some people might read into this a kind of subjugation of one to another, but this is a maturation of a relationship that works dynamically and naturally. It also helps that he is responsible and honest to others not only me.

Yesterday, I needed to go acupuncture, and he was resisting letting me go, as we doing errands, even though we could easily meet later. I did not push it, knowing I am not dying by not going. It settled in his mind, and he could see I was in a bit of pain and so he naturally went with me with no complaints. Things have their own momentum. I offered to pay for him to try it for pain he had from running instead of insisting coming from the need to for him to learn about it. Surprise to me he followed in to the table beside me, where in the past he would say it would say it something crazy I do. The funny thing about love, you have to get the “me” out of the way. Boy, the payoff is great, I keep getting more and more displays of his love naturally. Even verbal appreciation for things I did in the past flow naturally from him. I continue to tell him how lucky I am and his reply, “We are both lucky.” 

Reflections

When I try to recall my old self, it appears like a reflection of who I so desperately wanted to be. A mash-up of societies pressure, advertising made clones as examples, and trauma escapism...a real fragmented version. I know, now that I could never be the person I am now without the hardships and the blessings. Who was I in the past if I wasn’t what I thought was the complete me? Well we all know that you can’t really love another until you love yourself and that is some of it. Not is some narcissistic way, but in a holistic balanced understanding of your self in relation to the world and others that often appears to be outside. So my first thought is that it may be directly connected to the subtle realization that one is not separate from the world or life in general. But I cannot downplay the positive effects of the “sonic birth” with the M.B.L. therapy. I have made some important changes with my 10-day Vipassana’s preparing myself to welcome personal growth through self-realizations in samadhi. This is along with a daily 1 hour meditation habit. This was important when I got to the wall in the process of M.B.L. allowing to break down and safely continue it until completion. 

I will go on my eighth Vipassana this Friday in two years. I know this will have more positive effects in my relationship especially with the dampening down of any expectations that are a result of my perceived needs that I may project on my partner. It will be a whirlwind of change for both of us when we marry, and I have to provide stability and ease for him when he starts the immigration process. He welcomes the change now, as he tires of the class distinction in Thailand. But we all know that his nature won’t fully change, and he still be himself at home in, to him, is a foreign country. The great thing is he not doing it for me, and for now sees it as an opportunity to be our own complete family given his troubled upbringing. 

Perhaps the reflection I see now is one of my natural compassion rising, not driven by fears and desires that were based in self-hatred. Anyway, a nice indication of my change was when my partner fell asleep in my lap today, feeling comfortable with the love I project, instead of feeling any demands.

Did You Take a Photo of It?

Thai street food for our dinner, old photo from past

Enjoying a dinner last night at an organic restaurant as a birthday gift from a friend and our main courses arrived. They were beautifully presented. He then said, “Take a photo of it,” since I had my camera with me.  I told him that my partner, who he knows as well, told me that to take photos of food when people in the world are starving is like bragging. Perhaps, in reflection, it would be like photographing all your money. 

My partner, as I have mentioned before, had a very tough life, dumped with some poor village elders who hardly had enough to eat themselves. In addition, he was nude until about 4, since they had no money for clothes for him. Food was scarce and they ate anything they could find, insects, snakes and rice rats were normal in their diet. Compassion for others grew out of his own suffering, his adoptive grandmother’s teaching and being born Buddhist. I then quietly reflected on the compassion I have learned from him, especially now since very shortly I will engage a lawyer to get started on finally marrying him. This is after 12 years and two honeymoons based on our own celebrations, and even having rings since 2008. Now, I have to prove that we have a relationship and have love, and we been evolving for as long as it has which to me sounds truly insulting. I will have to produce old emails, photographs, plane tickets and sworn testimonies from family and friends to prove its validity… and some cold hard cash. To do business in this world there are funny laws, and love really never comes into it sadly. It is all about money, not compassion. If I can’t take my own experience as use to strengthen my own compassion then really my life and struggles will have no purpose and I have learned nothing. And I can’t just let the perceived pressures of this process have any bearing on our relationship. Because he is worth it.

embarrassed by hard times

An Unforeseen Payoff

He said, “You love me like my grandmother,” with his eyes showing a small gloss of water around the rim, while he laid his head in my lap. She was not his real grandmother, just a village elder who took him in when his mother abandoned him soon after his birth. This is probably the highest compliment I could ever earn and had never appeared until recently. Not that we did not have love before over these many years, but this one I really had to earn. My partner lately, instead of commenting on my change, has been doubling up on saying he loves me just to make sure I know it. The last two months were for me a bit difficult, and yet provided me unplanned expansion of my consciousness inwardly(anicca, dukkha, and anatta realized within myself). My changes over the years were really based on the desire to learn from him, a kind soul, who had evidently had a harder life than I. Fighting the need constantly to explain all my pains I started the path prompted by his love. I never quite knew the how it will all transpire. For me it took sitting down with myself over many years, seeing how I think and learning to love myself. I have had long-term relationships in the past, but always seemed to be looking outside of myself for solutions for my happiness. Tired of lining things up to secure happiness. And I learned that no one could ever live in another’s shoes.

It is true that there is never really a relationship with another person, it is more about your relationship to yourself. The other my prompt good or bad feelings your mind brings up, but they aren’t really responsible for how you feel. That is your clue to let go, and love them exactly as they are. Over the years I had to let go of my ideas of best to proceed with his education and just support him. Lately, he took on a research project for money, undercharging the other students who were his clients. I had to just let him do it, and sit back enduring his late hours and missed time doing things together.  Throwing out ideas of how it should be was my lesson allowing him more freedom to live his life.  Several wisdom things the last few months have come to him at his rate, and not by me telling him what to do when, with apologies sprouting forth. Today’s payoff came naturally with the spontaneity of the moment.  My partner was told a few years in Singapore where he meant my brother who said that I am much happier since two of us met. That unprompted confirmation by an independent source was a treat for him and also bond him with my family.

Misery 101

In the past two months, I have been tying to let my partner do his own thing in his own time. At times, it may seem like it is an incredible sacrifice on my part, only when I feel bad or uneven within myself. In other words, my ego doesn't like it, when I am fragile. He is much more demonstrative with his love spontaneously the more I let go, so it is not like there is no payback. In fact ten-fold, lately. I just have to keep reminding myself of the self created misery that can spiral out with one bad thought. One night I had a sinking dream, because I guess my ego did not like the changes I have been making and  I guess carried it over. I was moaning saying, "No, No, No," while falling....then I could see/hear him at the end of a long tunnel and the falling stopped with his words. Touching me and bringing me forth to the waking world, with his hands on my shoulders, waking me, he said, "It's OK, I love you." 

Two Slices of Pie

It is evening, I stare out the window of the plane and I catch my reflection since the cabin lights were on. I look thin and ragged, and I can see the homemade bib I have on to absorb the drool because it is white. It ain't pretty, but it is something, so I laugh. I recall being confused the first week of rehab as to why do I drool a lot more. What really happened? No one really told me thinking I would give up on the spot, I guess. But, they don't really know me. We “stole” the towels from the hospital, when the Dr. frowned at me walking around drooling by the front desk. Putting two holes in them and used a shoelace to tie it on, making several. It served a dual purpose, I could tie my stomach tube to it to keep it high, so I don’t lose all my precious liquid “dinner” on the road.  Am no longer embarrassed wearing it. I have lost 30 lbs in a way I could never imagine, and I am coming home from the hospital. My partner, at the time, will pick my brother and I up from the airport. It feels very awkward, knowing that my brother needs on get on with his life. My whole world has been turned upside down, and we know time moves forward whether you are on board or not.... it has now been 8 weeks and I still can’t talk or even eat. Walking sort of Charlie Chaplin like, hitting things with my left side. Luckily, I can't feel it.

A limo driver is waiting for us, and I am so embarrassed. Is it because I look like hell?  No, It is more about the waste of money.  The same money that I gave him and is never worth it but my partner arranged for this. I should be happy it is done out of love, but it reminded me of being nursed to death. It points to what is wrong in our relationship, and this seems a continuation of drama of us seeing the world in different ways. But I can’t even pop the champagne they had in the car. I did not know yet, that I could pour alcohol down my stomach tube …that would come later. I would have been happier just grabbing a bus and rail back home, it would feel like more progress.

Ten years pass…

A jet is landing in Bangkok, raining like hell, lightening seen through the streaked windows with the landing gear lights on, we are landing after an exciting three weeks in Sri Lanka. This is our second trip. My life partner and I are talking about what we liked this trip, trying to gloss over the fact that I will continue on upon landing, parting yet again.  Luckily we don’t cry when we kiss and say goodbye in private, knowing polite Thai society.  Our “honeymoon” was in Hong Kong, two years previously and it had really cemented our relationship. I am just beginning to learn from him. We were working towards common goals, even separated by a huge ocean. That was his first international flight, to start to fill his passport with stamps. He so wisely applied for it just before we met solely with dreams of travel. The plane is almost ready to touch ground when suddenly it is jerked severely up to the sky again in what feels like 30°, warning announcements are heard on the PA and we are close enough to hear the cockpit warning beeps. This is bad, too many factors are involved.  Worriedly, my partner looks at me with which is unlike him, and I reassure him that this is normal procedure and probably a plane was on our landing strip. I am trying to hide my fear to make him feel better, but this rapid ascent is way beyond anything I have ever experienced. The passengers are all quiet, but if they would scream we would hardly hear them as the engine sounds are so deafening. Thinking, we might die now, and never have to say goodbye. That’s a plus…. and then the plane banks left and levels out. I exhale and think, not yet...we had plans.

I Can Breathe, Again

I tried mediating after we came back from a film, my partner had crashed, saying wake me in 10 minutes to run. The AC was blasting and I settled in on my pillow on the floor, setting my alarm for an hour. Watching my breath, and with-in 5 minutes I could feel the hair on my arm stand up. Was it because of awareness or some follow-through from the movie we saw that touched my heart?  Earlier, I lost my breath with the emotions I felt, but was rudely assaulted by the heat and sun of day after the theatre. Weaving through busy traffic we took off to find someplace to have lunch. I put my finger to my heart, it is right there, noting. I wanted to sit down and cry, so inappropriate for where I was.  I am stumbling, he says, “watch out,” cars are coming from everywhere yet no one beeps, and 5 kids all less than 6 years old are playing in pond within a half a meter by railroad tracks right our feet. The guards on rail crossing come down and we stop for the train, just in time for me to get my breath.  I don't hear the warning sound, but can see the red blinking lights. The kids don’t register us being right beside them, am I alive? I look at the passengers in the train as it goes by, and they don’t connect with me either. Where are they going? I attempt to smile, but the heat is unraveling me.

Back the breathe, I found myself nodding off. “Damn, I getting old and need a nap everyday with this injury.” I know frustration appears faster if I don't listen to my body. I abandon the sit, and crawl in bed with my now sound asleep partner. I sleep for an hour, fully dressed. Who can wake someone when they obviously enjoy sleep, after that totally frustrating Friday, where he left in rain, walked through floods, slipped and fell on the way to work. He came later that night with packages of gifts for his Mom to mail. I could feel his near defeat from the day, but luckily had fish dinner all ready for him with his favorite vanilla cream puffs for dessert.  I held him and he showed me his wound from falling, and he wanted to cry but wasn’t really able to admit the defeat. Then a small animal cry bounced out at the imaginary bully in charge of life. I massaged his wound with pain cream, and let him unwind after a shower. He will do what is necessary, he made it this far against a lot of odds. I watched him eat, and he offered some food. He is always thinking of others. “No, Thank you,” I say, thinking that I bought this food for him, I wasn’t thinking about me at the time.

I turn off the A/C, it was getting too cold for me, and I wanted to hear him breathe. He awakens, glances at his watch, and moans but loving his nap he just throws back the covers as the heat re-enters the room, and mentally dives back in. I’m awake right now, with the hall sounds of packing and cleaning of another apt, but done in polite manner. It is quiet, and dark with the sun already packed up and I want this moment to last. He breathes peacefully, piano music is playing softly by Einuadi. So it seems foolish to join him in sleep, when I feel the love we share. He can sleep as long as he needs. He needs to unload yesterday. When his cell phone chimes a cute Isan tune, he just rolls over and puts his arm on my chest. Two hours later, he wakes up and says, "When you go to Myanmar for a month, I'll be so lonely," giving me a squeeze.

Rowing Quietly Upstream

This came to me like an old 40w incandescent bulb. My partner is staying away this weekend because he is sick and he doesn’t want to infect me. I tell him it’s up to him, and said, "I don’t care if I have to take care of you like this." But like always, when he makes up his mind it is written in stone.

I feel I most likely die when I feel my partner is OK in life. Not that it will be a firm date, or even really planned... I'll just turn the boat around and join the rest of us. Nor does the OK state have some kind of qualifiers. I will pass much like my mother will pass once she feels we are all OK(I have a schizophrenic sister that is having a hard time). If look at where I am now, and what I have become. I probably won’t “be” anything but pure love, in most instances to my partner. I am constantly reminded that he is own person, lives his life with or without me. Not in a callus way, is still in a loving and appreciative of the impact I have made on his life. He rarely asks for anything, and most all of what I have contributed to make his life easier was done on my part out of love. I don’t want him to owe me anything, and I think all this came out of my near death. A force that propelled me to fight to live, leaving me to believe that there was a bigger picture I needed to address.


That to be in the world, or to more importantly to live in this world someone had to love you, like your mother, or father… in order for you to survive. My partner was raised by some village elders unrelated that acted like grandparents to him in his case. He feels indebted to his "grandmother" who had passed just before we met, I did meet his grandfather on two visits to his home and have a great picture of the two them. I will venture to say that is grandmother passed him on to me, and he was the closet to her and it shook him when she died. It was a miracle we met but we did so, just as soon as he got over the grief.

My survival from my hospital nightmare also had a love factor involved, my family, ex-partner and nurses made it all possible. So the best thing to come out of this freaky experience is the fact that I will be known for attempting to show love, above anything else I am, do or was capable of. I don’t need to “be” anything, but what I am right now, of course, with some improvement.

Sun Sets on Life as We Know It

I have been doing a lot on my house with the hopes that you can prepare for a long trip and make everything fall into place. We cannot plan on what we would like the future to be like, though, sadly. But I kind of got my house in order to leave it, to go see my partner. He cannot enjoy my home because of archaic laws we have about same sex partners in USA, so this can never be my home. I always knew I did not fit in, from elementary school on, society placed its values upon me. Now with my double whammi of being brain injured, where even today, a hardware store clerk made fun of my voice... I belong only where I am loved, and that love exists within and does not exist in any location. The love we seek always right here. We allow it to be triggered when think all the right parameters are met, just pull it out now and enjoy. We are the love we think we seek.

Really Never Have a Fixed Idea

I was beginning to think I am lucky, when I see some other people going through life’s hurdles. Looking at what part of my ego needs to think this, and maybe it is the comparing mind. Or, it is the part that wants to label something, and put a check mark in my head as been there and lay it aside. If I think it is done, then I will get to more important stuff? What is exactly is that? I am not going to solve the oil spill by worrying about it. Nor or you going to solve a relationship problem by guessing everything that can possibly go through the other person’s head. It is becoming clearer to me that just when you think you know it ...you don’t.

Recalling the dream that woke me up to write this. I helped a friend some 20 years ago burned out of his apartment, by letting him stay with me. There was some attraction involved even before the fire and one night after dinner we got a little hot. I stopped it because I cared enough about him to not to let it go anywhere that would put him in a weird space in my house. So, it transpired into laughter… lighthearted laughter. I honestly cared about him, regardless of the outcome. Is that what we really wanted, that night? Not to get lost in sex to forget life’s great inconsistencies, but instead to laugh it all off. Because we really don’t know anything, like why life puts some people together under odd circumstances and throws others apart. Why a seemingly tragic event to one person, is an awakening to another?


My dream consisted of us starting to have sex and instead ending up with us tickling each other. So I woke up laughing. Because laughter between two people is one of the great shared experiences. We might have friends that agree with our view of life(at this current time), but the nuances of what determines this will never make it an ideal shared experience. “You don’t see it like I do!” How many times have we heard this the minute one has doubt in the ways are? To align things with what seems to you to be their place will work one moment and not another. There are too many variables that just point us into taking life as it is. Simple things can truly bind people…like love and caring with a little laughter thrown in. Laughing, because we don’t know what really is next…ever.

Who Needs Who?

When my brother and his family finally met my partner earlier this month ...he told him that he is very important to me. It was a great welcoming moment for my partner. Not that it is never spoken between us, rather it is almost daily. To have this said from another person is icing on the cake. In reflection, the two of us work so well, because even though our needs, in general, are totally different, we still carry the same value to each other. It is not heavy on one side or the other. We respect and learn from each other. He joked yesterday, after I helped him on some problems in a case study, saying that they will have both our names on his Masters. All this did not happen without a bit of work on both of our ends in the first few years. I like how real love motivates understanding and respect leading to a real balance, thus not clinging to make believe image of the other, that can predict an end to any relationship. Either way, I need him more, damnit.