15 January, 2010

Haunts of the Unresolved

This blog is Buddhist based and it is my path, and I will often say "it is where the skin hits the road," because to fully mature into wisdom you have to look at everything you do—Right or wrong and learn from it. Maybe you won't learn right away, because it is not in your Karma. I won't be able to wax on about the suttas, well frankly because it is still difficult to read with my injury. Moving on, my mom is currently helping a woman is not even related to her. A woman related to her new husband who has now outlived her own daughter. At 96, she is pretty good physically but now her mind is going. Lately, she is regressing, reliving her childhood and delving into unresolved issues from when she was a child. It is painful for my Mom, only because it reminds her of what she has to look forward to. I chirped in foolishly(not wisdom), you should work on unresolved issues while you still can, referring to her relationship with my father.

Turning the cards on myself, I thought about what unresolved issues that I have. Perhaps, one was with my partner at the time of my accident. We had some issues, although not unfixable way back then, but you know timing is everything. My family was close to him as they spent a lot of time together while I was in the hospital. I loved him and my family loves him and still continues to this day.

I knew that I had to come to grips with my disabling condition, and lack of speech. He wanted to move in with me and take care of me, but I knew myself well enough to know that all the little problems you have, your partner then becomes the object of all your anger and frustrations. I had to figure out who and what I was, post injury. I thought it would be best for him. Talking with a close friend in advance of making this big decision at such a fragile time in my life, I broke down, knowing that I might lose him. It was a heavy decision and one I did not take lightly. I told him to go back to school, and give me a year to figure it all out, to hopefully save him from my anger. Well, as real sign of the problems we faced going into this, he got extremely hurt and vanished from my life for years. I was exhausted and devastated and it amazes me I never saw a neuropsychologist through all this. I had mailed him an explanation leading up to my decision, not blaming him but professing my love still, even though apart.

Years passed, and I began to date again, but I still had hopes of getting back. I finally found him and reconnected, and told him of my travels and stuff. I wanted to see if we could make this work, even if was at a friendship level. I valued him that much, as we go back more than 18 years. Things were going pretty good as friends, and we enjoyed the long banters on the phone, and occasional visits. I think that as it progressed, he did not want to be hurt again and decided to kill it to have a sense of control. I can only guess that this why he took this into his own hands. I was a bit shocked and hurt not unlike how he was years ago. I was pretty settled into my current partner and our commitment was a done deal, yet this is the unresolved issue with somebody I still love and have respect for. All my previous long-term partners have progressed into friendships, and a few of my dreams have included him. If there is one thing I would like to do, is make sure he is happy and loved at the least. He played a key role in the person I am today and offered some insights during our partnership, that I am only just now appreciating. All I can do now, is send him love when I meditate. Thank you for your love, BTD.

1 comment:

Richard Harrold said...

My father died when I was in my early 20s and I was still in the closet, so he passed with many issues left unresolved. But with my mother, I was eventually to close the book on all our unresolved issues so that at the end of her life we were at peace with each other. As the dementia took hold of her just before her death I was able to be compassionate with her as there was no more deeply rooted anger. We had resolved our unresolved issues.

Thanks for sharing your life. It is the most powerful teaching tool we have.

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