28 August, 2010

Good Intentions Align

After a long stressful day, I might want to catch up on sleep with a nap. I ate dinner quickly, with the deep-seated wish to sit and hear a dhamma talk. I need those naps, to let my brain recover. Busy all day with fixing my house, just to keep it together, sadly not some glamorous project. More headaches, about other items that need to be done, unveiling themselves in the process on doing the first thing. I have to constantly watch my thinking mind and notice if I feel overwhelmed and desiring to gather up more fictitious worry. Let’s take an unpleasant feeling and ramp it up some to make it totally insurmountable! All of a sudden I want a tiny rental apt, and be working on reading instead of fixing.

So, I finally decide to let go, I have done enough in this day, and you know there will always be more undone in life. I really have to let it go from using it as a gage to feel accomplished and then hopefully happy. Postponing happiness until one thing or another is done. Jeez, that really is a stupid way to lead life. Happiness can be all the time when you accept life as it is. Good or difficult.

I laid down on my couch and looked a my view, closed my eyes for a second or two, but knew the Vihara’s prayers and sit start at 7:30. Thinking, I am tired and should just stay home. This swirled over my tongue like a nice glass of wine. Then I just bolted up and got quickly ready to go as time was approaching. At my core was the knowledge that this path has provided real understanding and wisdom one does not get from a nap. So I gulped some black tea and took off. On the drive there, out of the blue, had memory stick flash about my friend who is much appreciated. No reason for this to come up, but it did generate a fast tear. I mentally said thanks for him and carried on, arriving a bit late. All the cushions were taken and a fellow sangha member quietly gave me one of hers.

I did not want to make too much noise, but not telling her I can do without. So, I just took the cushion with a smile and sat. In meditation, I contemplated the importance of sangha, and her kindness. Relaxing with a smile on my face, but later when I heard her move in discomfort, I quietly took the cushion out and passed back to her. No words said.

21 August, 2010


Buddham saranam gacchami
(I go to the Buddha for refuge)
Dhammam saranam gacchami
(I go to the Dhamma for refuge)
Sangham saranam gacchami
(I go to the Sangha for refuge)

"Taking refuge in Dhamma is taking another safe refuge. It is not taking refuge in philosophy or intellectual concepts, in theories, in ideas, in doctrines or beliefs of any sort. It is not taking refuge in a belief in Dhamma, or a belief in God or in some kind of force in outer space or something beyond or something separate, something that we have to find sometime later. The descriptions of the Dhamma keep us in the present, in the here and now, unbound by time. Taking refuge is an immediate, immanent reflection in the mind, it is not just repeating 'Dhammam saranam gacchami' like a parrot, thinking 'Buddhists say this so I have to say it'. We turn towards the Dhamma, we are aware now, take refuge in Dhamma, now as an immediate action, an immediate reflection of being the Dhamma, being that very truth.

Because our conceiving mind tends always to delude us it takes us into becoming. We think 'I'll practise meditation so that I'll become enlightened in the future. I will take the Three Refuges in order to become a Buddhist. I want to become wise. I want to get away from suffering and ignorance and become something else.' This is the conceiving mind, the desire mind, the mind that always deludes us. Rather than constantly thinking in terms of becoming something we take refuge in being Dhamma in the present. "— Ajahn Sumedho

Right to Love "An American Family"

18 August, 2010

Perceived Difficulties, a matter of mental focus

How I see myself with an ego based on comparison.
Think... self pity.

What is good, right now. More appropriately...wake up. I have great friends and family, recently proven the last two weeks.

But not forgetting the new people that have come into my life this year...some very wise. I need to use some wisdom to stop giving birth to unhappiness. And, VoilĂ  .... happiness appears ...seemingly out of nowhere.

05 August, 2010

Prancing Out an Old Saying

I find it interesting to watch my feelings now that Prop. 8 case was ruled in our favor. Not that I expected anything else as there was never a good anti-marriage case presented. Did my happiness at any time base itself on this case? I have to really examine how much I let exterior forces sway my personal happiness. …even a little. With the love I have from my partner, who often says being involved in politics is messy, it really doesn't matter. If I can marry him or not will never change what we have, so I am more involved in watching my mind and the effects of all this hate shined on this matter. But like we used to say in Jr. High, “You are not the boss of me!” And if it was worded “You are not the boss of my mind,” it would be better and almost dhamma like. Maybe earning a Buddhalicious stamp of approval. My mind and how I feel is my business and a little more legal rights will be great, but ultimately is never the sole determining factor for my happiness. I have been through a lot worse.
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