29 November, 2011
I’ll pass this along in hopes that it helps someone else. My partner asked me to go running Monday, and we took a bus to the park and started. Shortly, he was fast ahead of me and I was running alone. I knew he had a goal in mind, but then my “I” started to feel left out. Annoyance crept in while running, I said in my head, “Why ask me to go running with you and then take off, what is the point?” The annoyance stewed into a bit more working its way toward anger. Yes, I will say it to him when we meet at the stretching bars area. So, since I had quite a bit to go, I ran it though my head, I’ll just tell him, I am going home there is no point in me being here. When I said the ‘me’ part, something sounded wrong. Then I thought that any confrontation, or showing my displeasure will throw a wrench into his happiness and bounce back on me. Obviously, this is what he wants to do right now, and again he rarely, if ever does things with any intention to hurt me. He is just setting high goals for himself that’s all, and hey, guess what? I get to enjoy his hard work, too.
I ran my course, got some water, and in effect let my annoyance go by looking at I really want. We met at the bars, and in a short time he and I were done stretching, and we walked back happily and I never said a thing. I was not just keeping a lid on it, I, instead fully examined my anger and let go of the “me” quotient. We walked to get dinner items with joy and then he bought me a sports drink. When home, he prepared dinner and laid it out, no questions. He was tired and happy. After dinner he gave me a kiss and laid his head in my still sweaty lap. He was showing his appreciation for me, and I gave him a kiss and said, “Let me shower, Na!”
The following day we went running in the park again, and without a blink… he ran only at my pace, sometimes inspiring me to run faster. This was all done without me saying what I wanted the previous day. I told him thanks, and he said, “I will run one lap with you and then workout and let you run a bit further.” By the time I ran my share and got to the bars he was ready to go, with ease and great timing. We arrived home again and I said you go shower I’ll prepare dinner, and I did laundry. He was very thankful I did it all, he had a hard day at work. Two days of bliss that I would have missed if I started my Monday with a needy demand. I felt so lucky to have some wisdom come to me during my cool down. Or perhaps it was my own words from when in the past, I've said, “I really want to make his life easier,” slipped in the back door to greet me with open arms.
23 November, 2011
Later that day, in the evening while in bed, I came to realize that my partner is enlightened. A new revelation based on the way he deals with me. Knowing that my nature tries to figure out the best by exploring every option, like for instance, finding a condo this trip that is good for him and me. His nature is never to get too excited about any one thing. So, when I continued to look for a better place thinking he wasn’t too impressed about this place, more like matter of fact, he just stood back and did not argue. He is very aware after 10 years together, it is my nature. There was not a need to make this into any disagreement, and it moved smoothly into me agreeing and settling here. All this was not a subtle power play, it was his innate intelligence or perhaps our previous life connection, as I had found the place in the first place. He has some qualities of enlightenment from knowing how people are. I am probably not explaining this well, but it did give even more appreciation for his being. How this ties into my out of body experience you might ask? It is that once we lose our body consciousness we naturally move towards compassion. Finding out... we are the other.
20 November, 2011
This came to me like an old 40w incandescent bulb. My partner is staying away this weekend because he is sick and he doesn’t want to infect me. I tell him it’s up to him, and said, "I don’t care if I have to take care of you like this." But like always, when he makes up his mind it is written in stone.
I feel I most likely die when I feel my partner is OK in life. Not that it will be a firm date, or even really planned... I'll just turn the boat around and join the rest of us. Nor does the OK state have some kind of qualifiers. I will pass much like my mother will pass once she feels we are all OK(I have a schizophrenic sister that is having a hard time). If look at where I am now, and what I have become. I probably won’t “be” anything but pure love, in most instances to my partner. I am constantly reminded that he is own person, lives his life with or without me. Not in a callus way, is still in a loving and appreciative of the impact I have made on his life. He rarely asks for anything, and most all of what I have contributed to make his life easier was done on my part out of love. I don’t want him to owe me anything, and I think all this came out of my near death. A force that propelled me to fight to live, leaving me to believe that there was a bigger picture I needed to address.
That to be in the world, or to more importantly to live in this world someone had to love you, like your mother, or father… in order for you to survive. My partner was raised by some village elders unrelated that acted like grandparents to him in his case. He feels indebted to his "grandmother" who had passed just before we met, I did meet his grandfather on two visits to his home and have a great picture of the two them. I will venture to say that is grandmother passed him on to me, and he was the closet to her and it shook him when she died. It was a miracle we met but we did so, just as soon as he got over the grief.
My survival from my hospital nightmare also had a love factor involved, my family, ex-partner and nurses made it all possible. So the best thing to come out of this freaky experience is the fact that I will be known for attempting to show love, above anything else I am, do or was capable of. I don’t need to “be” anything, but what I am right now, of course, with some improvement.
15 November, 2011
I arrive, to spend much deserved time with my partner. I had worked 6 months on my house, found a renter and it all seems like it was falling into place. The first weekend he had a four day break from his work which was great since my jet lag abated, but it was not as expected. He and his workmates had prepared for the Thai flood as much as they could, now it was just a waiting game.
He goes to work on Tues Oct. 18th and it is dry, but just starting to bubble up from the sewer drains, By Friday, it was a swimming pool, and he surveyed the water on the company floor and said we should start pumping now, to save the equipment, because even with the sand bags and walls built — it was seeping inside slow enough to enable pumps to keep up. The boss was busy with all the chaos, and he did not have time to do it all. My partner doesn’t come back that weekend, and he says I should prepare to get out of my condo, because the water is coming there next. I rush out and buy what I can to store water in from the hardware store, because by now all bottled water was sold out everywhere. There is a chance the city drinking water, which we filter for our use, will be either lost or contaminated. I fill four huge plastic bins, but in reality that is only enough drinking water for two for one week. I was not fearful, I figured It would play out and I could just ride it out. He says you should get out, because my boss has set-up a temporary office in a city south of, and now I will have to work there until the water is gone.
So much for seeing each other, so I picked a temple nearby where his new office was to escape to for two weeks referred to by nuns at my home temple. Blessings to the nun that suggested this, as you could feel the joy from the abbot. I knew he would not come to visit, because quite frankly you don’t visit someone on a meditation retreat. He took the weekend, following all the work and slugging around in flood water, at the beach with his workmates, while I settled down into peace and acceptance.
I was not the only one there escaping the floods, and because I was the only farang there, I got a few English speakers questioning me. The abbot along with his daily dhamma talk would turn and face the sangha and with a smiley demeanor, tell the flood update. So, it was the talk around temple, even though we are supposed to be quiet. Nobody reprimands you in the Thai style, it up to you to let whoever spoke to you with a gesture of finger to the lips know that you would like to keep this silent. But around lunch and late night temple hot drink after prayers — it was hard to do, everybody talked, “flood.”
FInding it pretty easy to settle in, my own private kuti, with a mat on the floor and fans made it almost cool, and even nights I needed a light blanket. I did morning clean-up following others and I worked on cleaning on huge open air sala which you can see in the post before this one. All the ants, mice and birds make a mess in one day, so you have to mop it every morning....a great way to clear your mind. But also to made the morning meditation sleepy since you are up since 3 am, and have had breakfast you first meal in 15 hours. Many times I would find myself slumped over, folded in half ...snoring. A yogi knot, and a few times fellow meditators would come wake me up.
I can eat most all Thai food and spice is generally no problem, and I liked the Jok in the mornings the best. It just felt right. But after a week there I could tell something wasn’t right with my digestive track, and my mouth never felt clean after eating even when I brushed my teeth. Could it be the water I am using to brush my teeth, or the filter water I get from the free Thai osmosis machine? I tried not to obsess.
Well, 10 days into meditation I passed a worm, and it was such a testimony to meditation that I was fairly relaxed about it, yet did call my sis to find out what drug is best to use. This was the first time ever in all my travels, so it was a new experience. At dawn, I ran into one monk was helpful to me and with the help of one female Thai attendee, and they got me a strong pill to get rid of them with them. Later, when I was talking to an elder mae chi about my meditation and a Thai lady told her about my worm. She said I should have kept it alive and fed it while I was there meditating. Taking the precepts a bit far, I am saying in my head, considering that they eat pork, chicken and fish and are not vegetarians. I later figured it out that is most likely caused by slightly undercooked pork I got from the street in Bangkok, before I went to temple, but the food quality at the temple was less than safe.
All of the while I was think this trip is meant to trip me up, to throw more delicious challenges to see how far I have come with meditation. It has again proven again that all this does not affect my partner and I love for one another. We are dealing with a natural disaster, and I don’t want to throw any more stress into the picture. These photos are all his, click on them if you want to see them bigger.