20 September, 2013

Do I Have to Speak?

Having gone through most of the M.B.L. therapy, removing most of the anger I have from a difficult childhood, now we were are working on improving my speech. This is still difficult with a fallen pallet and aphasia. The therapy moved my hearing to the right, which is closer and faster when it comes to speech, and I got some more mouth sensitivity. At the same time this therapy gave me more happiness, calmness and assertiveness. I combined the therapy with acupuncture and daily meditation to augment it. I am still not over the intense and exhausting dreams, but for the most part moved into the present. They do leave me waking up happy and resolved every day. Ear therapy to strengthen new connections we have made, means reading into my right hand close enough to bounce sound to the right ear. I am also listening to music with the right ear only when using any earphones, and talking on cell only in my right ear.  My speech leaves a lot to be desired, but is functional enough to get by. 

Now, I am faced with my own will after living with this for such a long time.  Of course, being on the short end of any conversation and constantly overlooked for what I have to say gives me a lot of fuel for contemplation about the true worthiness of speech. With real honesty I can say the only important thing I have said in my life is I Love You, with strong conviction.  Because I don’t say this unless it is fully felt, and acted upon. My family and my partner can be my witness and benefactors. With this in mind is more speech really worth my effort? I don’t need any obstacles in my path in the pursuit of wisdom and at times it seems to keep providing a detour. I have much progress in meditating which my M.B.L. therapist says is easy for me to take a route of non-speaking. And I am looking forward to a 20-day sit, to further enhance my awareness. I did say this was not an easy out for speaking, as Vipassana is not really easy and has provided me a lot of clarity and direction. So now I am faced with my own desire, and feel that I should do it mainly for others to speak better. With this I should work on truly embodying the words, “Thank You,” because our life is not our own doing. In the back of my mind I should focus on a goal that has been in the back of my mind to share my experience in life with others, that I discussed last March with a Sikh doctor I met on a train into Bangkok who was there, I found out later to speak.

07 September, 2013

Universe Unfolding Its’ Plan

Having just gone through the sonic birth part of M.B.L., and the resulting exhausting dreams, unloading tons of past experiences… it becomes apparent that the way I got to this point was not really my own doing. I rode a landslide down a hill in one dream, almost like skiing on the rocks, landing upright with a huge boulder resting beside me…spurred to manifest because of a song I heard. People in the dream asked why I went that way, I said, “Because, I had to!”

Sure, we all would like to think in command of it all because of our ego-based consciousness, but it was what the universe had planned for me… even our birth. If you put aside all the strange things that lead me here, and how many hundreds of unrelated (we think) people are involved it was not a very direct path. Taking a helicopter view of my life, certainly, one could never have planned all this... in an effort to save my life. Now, I have to turn it around enough to help other people after they and the universe helped me. It has been a fun journey, if one doesn't take the hard parts personally and fully understand why you're still around. It feels like one is living in the Perplexus of life, the ball is constantly falling off the track, and you have to twist it and start again taking a different and more cautious route. In our pursuit of safety or what we think is known we are forgetting that we can out maneuver what the universe had planned for us.

I was talking with a friend about trying to take ownership of my latest venture, but knowing although it felt like it was the next smart move to find peace, I really did nothing but bump into the next thing. Perhaps, I was in the right place and time, possessing the correct mind space to accept what is present at this very moment. The universe had its’ plan and really all I have to do is just exist, as it will determine my course and even when I die. We falsely believe that we do things, but life lives us not the other way around.
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