Do I Have to Speak?

Having gone through most of the M.B.L. therapy, removing most of the anger I have from a difficult childhood, now we were are working on improving my speech. This is still difficult with a fallen pallet and aphasia. The therapy moved my hearing to the right, which is closer and faster when it comes to speech, and I got some more mouth sensitivity. At the same time this therapy gave me more happiness, calmness and assertiveness. I combined the therapy with acupuncture and daily meditation to augment it. I am still not over the intense and exhausting dreams, but for the most part moved into the present. They do leave me waking up happy and resolved every day. Ear therapy to strengthen new connections we have made, means reading into my right hand close enough to bounce sound to the right ear. I am also listening to music with the right ear only when using any earphones, and talking on cell only in my right ear.  My speech leaves a lot to be desired, but is functional enough to get by. 

Now, I am faced with my own will after living with this for such a long time.  Of course, being on the short end of any conversation and constantly overlooked for what I have to say gives me a lot of fuel for contemplation about the true worthiness of speech. With real honesty I can say the only important thing I have said in my life is I Love You, with strong conviction.  Because I don’t say this unless it is fully felt, and acted upon. My family and my partner can be my witness and benefactors. With this in mind is more speech really worth my effort? I don’t need any obstacles in my path in the pursuit of wisdom and at times it seems to keep providing a detour. I have much progress in meditating which my M.B.L. therapist says is easy for me to take a route of non-speaking. And I am looking forward to a 20-day sit, to further enhance my awareness. I did say this was not an easy out for speaking, as Vipassana is not really easy and has provided me a lot of clarity and direction. So now I am faced with my own desire, and feel that I should do it mainly for others to speak better. With this I should work on truly embodying the words, “Thank You,” because our life is not our own doing. In the back of my mind I should focus on a goal that has been in the back of my mind to share my experience in life with others, that I discussed last March with a Sikh doctor I met on a train into Bangkok who was there, I found out later …to speak.

The BRAIN test

I can comb my teeth, and brush my hair…all by myself. I really thought I was getting better. The other day, I was online shopping as the bots don’t care about my peetch paabuum. Hummph. So, Avatar really is what your dentist's scrapes off your teeth every year. I learn something new every time I am online. I was in between a porn site Amazing Tatas and Amazon and when I hit upon a brain test. FUN-FOR-MENTALS Search engines seem to speak a language unknown to me. I decided here is my chance to shine, 'cause god knows... nobody wants a brain test for xmas.

You know, the flashing symbols and colors kind. Fingers posed over the left and right arrows, I pushed START. Thinking maybe all this meditation will help me focus. YESSS(fist pump in the air) I’m off and running trying to make my momma proud. Whooped that sucker, and then waited for my score. Computing and computing, waiting for my easy A. Look at my fingernails in the meantime. Then shock and awww it comes back with 35.8% score. That is 35.8% percent of normal folks score. Whaaaa? So, I thought maybe that glass of wine with dinner slowed me down. Cracked my knuckles and sat up straight in my chair and I cranked it up again. Ready, Set, Go! I’m off and feeling like I got the feel of this test. Is it the shape or the color? Not any hard calculations involved, or mysterious lingo. It came back with 35.9%! I guess the learning curve is set high.

I slumped in my chair, poured another glass of wine. Geez, I am that brain dead, and all the nice things people say about have far I have come ...they must be talking about when I was a coma…duh! It is a god-damned miracle I can smile anyway, so forget all those brain tests. They are a distraction to keep you from noticing they raised your health care premium yet again. And you got better things to do like last minute shopping buzzed on 2 double peppermint lattes. So, I just want you to know that even when it all seems like a waste of time and it is so damn impossible to get that unique gift that says YOU…take a breath, stare at your nose and make sure you are still attached. Whew! Yes, you can still hold it altogether to say Happy Holidaze!

A Morning View on Expectations

I was thinking about writing about people’s expectations when I first heard of the shooter, George Sodini’s complaints from the news. Researching it further, he seemed to be very disturbed. It may have built up for years, combined with the family background and life experience. Whether he was expecting too much out of life or not we’ll never know. If I could guess, I bet you he has never traveled outside the U.S. Regardless, I do feel that we, especially in the U.S., don’t really feel we are lucky and privileged. Instead we want more and more and are perfectly happy demanding more. We want all the trimmings we see on TV. There are never any guarantee in life besides our upcoming death. When I was a novice in June, the simplicity of my existence was actually refreshing and liberating, so I can see how I could focus more on mindfulness and cultivating wisdom.

Reflecting upon this, I can still learn a lot about how I deal with my own life. It wasn’t but 24 hours later that I found myself, a bit agitated by the fact that people still don’t fully understand how my injury affects nearly everything I do. I write this, in fact, so I won’t have to speak it in conversation, hoping that someone will take this as a jumping off place to comment on. I will speak to family and they will say you sound good today, if I am standing and walking around because that affects the quality of my voice. If I relax and sit down especially on a couch it leads to a restricted diaphragm and does not help. I will meet new friends will say you just need to speak more, etc. Uggh!

I have a collapsed palate, which causes my air during speech to come out my nose. Combined with being totally numb from the nose to the chin inside and out, it makes for a hard time to physically remember how to say a word. I can scream, and lift it partially, but if I speak quietly it is coming out my nose and totally exhausts me. Kind of like being winded, but all times using a new area of the brain for speech, so “girlfriend” it ain’t pretty. For some words it sounds pretty good out of the blue, maybe because I just heard it, or it accesses some untapped memory of speech. Then quickly it deteriorates; so just let me say learning a new language would be a miracle. But with all this said, it or should I, is not all that bad. I just be more quiet when things are difficult or when others don’t understand. My silence is not because I don’t have anything to say. It may mean that it may be too complex and wordy that I can’t figure out how to whittle it down to simple speech that I can say with ease.


I should not expect people to understand the complexity of speech and what for me now is the miracle that make speech possible. I have seen specialists for surgery who did not recommend a correction that would only introduce complex snoring problems. And I won't go into details about the other side effects of brain injury that also cause speech difficulties. So, don’t worry I will not pull a Sodini. Instead, I can perhaps gather some practical wisdom of not expecting understanding from others that even took me years to grasp. I have quickly realized, I am by no means unhealthy or unable deal whenever I see someone in a wheelchair or crippled. I am rich with love from my partner and family and friends. I am extremely lucky.

Suffering of Others

While at a volunteer luncheon with many people who put far more hours than I do, I was listening to the hospital CEO awarding them. One fellow was his friend and a volunteer for 20 years. I don’t see him in the course of my volunteering, but began to wonder how these two came to be friends. The CEO/Dr is miles away from the volunteer in pay and stature. I also was wondering why his name was the same as the hospital name where my mom had to hire a private nurse to just to make sure I wasn’t inexplicably expired. That brought back a new set of memories. Never the less, when upon completion of the luncheon I ran into the volunteer pro in the washroom. Observing that he had some deficits, my heart suddenly went out to him. I said, Hi and asked him if the CEO was related to the other hospital. He told me they have no connection. In talking it became quickly obvious he is suffering from something, but I don’t sound all that great either. A simple bond. He told me he has early alzheimer's, while walking out. I thanked him for his service in a real show of heart felt appreciation. Spontaneously, I felt compelled to give him a hug, knowing every day must be difficult and trying. And, I felt lucky again, my concerns waned.

Difficulty is mostly a mental experience. If you enjoy what you are doing, even with serious physical ailments subside with the degree of happiness. It falls true with my speech, if I am rested and enjoy the dialogue my speech or helping others it is so much clearer. I look physically well and fit, but once I speak people often assume I am drunk or deaf. So, I have to get past their preconceptions just to order a coffee. It can be frustrating and often friends who are with me cannot believe that I say the right word, but some people can’t figure me out and my friends will blurt out, He said, so and so. This has been a great way to learn patience and acceptance of others, for me. I often laugh at myself, or practice several times before speaking out loud. But basically, we(me included) all say too much as a general rule, so we can’t expect to be great listeners. If you really listen you’ll realize the suffering of others… even in its minor forms of simple discomfort.