Going Un-Buddhist...NOT

I try to make friends at my gym or at least be pleasant and outgoing. I try not to wear an IPOD all the time, which divorces you from human contact. Why listen to the whiney song, “All you need is love,” looking forlorn? Today, I saw I young man with a tattoo that said, IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE WHEN I SEE YOU, THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND MY DISGUST. What an exquisite use of ink, a real work of art and have fun removing it when you wake up. You get the bad with the good....the whole range.

A few years ago, I tried to make friends with this lady who I see a couple times in yoga. I talked to her once, and thought we got past the Stranger, I don’t need to know you phase.

Well, she had broken her leg while dancing, and was right back at the gym. You got to give her credit. I chatted a few times, jumping starting the conversation about her healing and ya-ya’s. And every time I would see her, she would never say hi, in general, unless really pressed.

Things heal, and time passes and she back at it, and broke it again…same leg. So, she knows I meditate in the room before yoga and she asks me to help her get a spot and an exercise ball to use, by calling me on my cell phone. I oblige a few times, but still think it is a little much for someone who is so sour. I humor her, but then I am gone for three months, and she is on her own. I come back and she has no cast, and still no change in her character. Surprise, Surprise!

Wouldn’t you know it she breaks it again, same leg. I am meditating one day, and her crutches come lumbering up, and she taps my mat with her crutches to open my eyes and she wants me to help again. I do it without any attitude, set her up with stuff and before I can get back to meditating she asks me if I can save her spot and help her again by calling me each day. All contact with her is void of any smiles or pleasantry. Then I decided to do something so Un-Buddhist. I replied, I am not sure when I am back again, saying I’m sorry and walked back to my mat. I put my foot down thinking that for someone who has no appreciation for what I have done in the past ….or any common courtesy for my attempts to be friendly. So, I will just get out of the way. Not really feeling good about it, and knowing that in all the Buddhist Teachings I have heard you are NOT supposed to expect anything when you do something good because it leads to grasping. I did not explain to her why this transpired and thought about it, but dropped it. I think I will just leave it to some other nice person to do the job, I can no longer stomach.

A Morning View on Expectations

I was thinking about writing about people’s expectations when I first heard of the shooter, George Sodini’s complaints from the news. Researching it further, he seemed to be very disturbed. It may have built up for years, combined with the family background and life experience. Whether he was expecting too much out of life or not we’ll never know. If I could guess, I bet you he has never traveled outside the U.S. Regardless, I do feel that we, especially in the U.S., don’t really feel we are lucky and privileged. Instead we want more and more and are perfectly happy demanding more. We want all the trimmings we see on TV. There are never any guarantee in life besides our upcoming death. When I was a novice in June, the simplicity of my existence was actually refreshing and liberating, so I can see how I could focus more on mindfulness and cultivating wisdom.

Reflecting upon this, I can still learn a lot about how I deal with my own life. It wasn’t but 24 hours later that I found myself, a bit agitated by the fact that people still don’t fully understand how my injury affects nearly everything I do. I write this, in fact, so I won’t have to speak it in conversation, hoping that someone will take this as a jumping off place to comment on. I will speak to family and they will say you sound good today, if I am standing and walking around because that affects the quality of my voice. If I relax and sit down especially on a couch it leads to a restricted diaphragm and does not help. I will meet new friends will say you just need to speak more, etc. Uggh!

I have a collapsed palate, which causes my air during speech to come out my nose. Combined with being totally numb from the nose to the chin inside and out, it makes for a hard time to physically remember how to say a word. I can scream, and lift it partially, but if I speak quietly it is coming out my nose and totally exhausts me. Kind of like being winded, but all times using a new area of the brain for speech, so “girlfriend” it ain’t pretty. For some words it sounds pretty good out of the blue, maybe because I just heard it, or it accesses some untapped memory of speech. Then quickly it deteriorates; so just let me say learning a new language would be a miracle. But with all this said, it or should I, is not all that bad. I just be more quiet when things are difficult or when others don’t understand. My silence is not because I don’t have anything to say. It may mean that it may be too complex and wordy that I can’t figure out how to whittle it down to simple speech that I can say with ease.


I should not expect people to understand the complexity of speech and what for me now is the miracle that make speech possible. I have seen specialists for surgery who did not recommend a correction that would only introduce complex snoring problems. And I won't go into details about the other side effects of brain injury that also cause speech difficulties. So, don’t worry I will not pull a Sodini. Instead, I can perhaps gather some practical wisdom of not expecting understanding from others that even took me years to grasp. I have quickly realized, I am by no means unhealthy or unable deal whenever I see someone in a wheelchair or crippled. I am rich with love from my partner and family and friends. I am extremely lucky.

A Peaceful Talk

A friend asked me to go to another organization’s Dharma talk and meditation that fit better in his busy schedule. Of course, I said yes, but watched quietly on my internal chatter. In that space between my ears, I heard myself debating whether it would be as good as my current teacher who has 30 years experience direct from a well-respected Tibetan monk. I fought quietly my dismissals of pre-conceived ideas of how it would be, and forced myself to go openhearted. I knew the organization's stature in the community and heard of them for years. We arrived early thinking there would be some Chi gong warm-ups first. The church that held these talks, also houses and feeds homeless so we walked in just as they were entering for the night and settling down. After a quick look around we found out the warm-ups were cancelled, so I said lets meditate until they start the session.

Sitting down in the back of an old, cold, gothic church, I pulled my hood over my head, since I have short hair to keep it warm. Starting to meditate, using the idea of relaxing expectations, so in the 40 minutes it took to start the session, I was fully relaxed. In a poof of smoke most all of my reservations left, so I could easily settle in for their mediation before the talk. People quietly entered and some sat in pews, and a few sat on the floor. I know people get attached to “their” spot wherever it might lie, so I watched and let most everyone settle in, then took a space left in the side aisle. Another 40 minutes breezed by, without me every having to move, primed from my earlier meditation with hardly a thought coming to mind, but the chill of the church. When they broke the meditation, I moved to a pew totally focused on whatever this new dharma teacher had to say, taken by his calmness and forethought that was maintained throughout the teaching . He spoke on one of Buddha’s teachings to monks about letting it be, and just watching every feeling that arises. Whatever it may be. I was happy knowing that if just one person is helped then it really doesn't matter who the teacher is. The teacher never misspoke or guessed, and upon completion answered questions from people. I watched when three different members asked questions and looking around it became quite obvious the suffering aura the room carried with it. I am not saying I above suffering by no means, more of the awareness of the commonalities we all share living this human life. Perhaps, I am just lucky to see at this instance to see my suffering takes a seat behind all others.

My new quote that I hope has never been expressed anywhere:
“If you are no longer a man of your word,
how can you maintain the belief in yourself?”