Show 'n Tell

I wanted to write for days and have been editing photos, doing a few rounds and found these. Lately, I have been out of sync and would just end up seeing friends and getting other stuff done. Here are photos from Wat Rajsingkorn, where the young novice wanted to show me his tiger teeth and rolled prayer when he found out I had been a novice, too. This came about when I was talking to the mom of these two kids. I thanked him for showing me, and they are probably given to him by his parents and are heirlooms of luck.

A Morning View on Expectations

I was thinking about writing about people’s expectations when I first heard of the shooter, George Sodini’s complaints from the news. Researching it further, he seemed to be very disturbed. It may have built up for years, combined with the family background and life experience. Whether he was expecting too much out of life or not we’ll never know. If I could guess, I bet you he has never traveled outside the U.S. Regardless, I do feel that we, especially in the U.S., don’t really feel we are lucky and privileged. Instead we want more and more and are perfectly happy demanding more. We want all the trimmings we see on TV. There are never any guarantee in life besides our upcoming death. When I was a novice in June, the simplicity of my existence was actually refreshing and liberating, so I can see how I could focus more on mindfulness and cultivating wisdom.

Reflecting upon this, I can still learn a lot about how I deal with my own life. It wasn’t but 24 hours later that I found myself, a bit agitated by the fact that people still don’t fully understand how my injury affects nearly everything I do. I write this, in fact, so I won’t have to speak it in conversation, hoping that someone will take this as a jumping off place to comment on. I will speak to family and they will say you sound good today, if I am standing and walking around because that affects the quality of my voice. If I relax and sit down especially on a couch it leads to a restricted diaphragm and does not help. I will meet new friends will say you just need to speak more, etc. Uggh!

I have a collapsed palate, which causes my air during speech to come out my nose. Combined with being totally numb from the nose to the chin inside and out, it makes for a hard time to physically remember how to say a word. I can scream, and lift it partially, but if I speak quietly it is coming out my nose and totally exhausts me. Kind of like being winded, but all times using a new area of the brain for speech, so “girlfriend” it ain’t pretty. For some words it sounds pretty good out of the blue, maybe because I just heard it, or it accesses some untapped memory of speech. Then quickly it deteriorates; so just let me say learning a new language would be a miracle. But with all this said, it or should I, is not all that bad. I just be more quiet when things are difficult or when others don’t understand. My silence is not because I don’t have anything to say. It may mean that it may be too complex and wordy that I can’t figure out how to whittle it down to simple speech that I can say with ease.


I should not expect people to understand the complexity of speech and what for me now is the miracle that make speech possible. I have seen specialists for surgery who did not recommend a correction that would only introduce complex snoring problems. And I won't go into details about the other side effects of brain injury that also cause speech difficulties. So, don’t worry I will not pull a Sodini. Instead, I can perhaps gather some practical wisdom of not expecting understanding from others that even took me years to grasp. I have quickly realized, I am by no means unhealthy or unable deal whenever I see someone in a wheelchair or crippled. I am rich with love from my partner and family and friends. I am extremely lucky.

Are You In or OUT?

Editing photos and this one came back to me, just as it appeared to me at that time to shoot it. The lonely novice when everybody else is playing. He was a obviously gay novice(kateoy in thai), who was in a cleaner robe most of the time. I used to see him come check out his reflection in the glass widow of the on-site radio station, near my kuti every morning. I once told him that I am his older sister(phee saao in thai) when he brought some iced coffee one day, jokingly. It becomes obvious very quickly when you are gay, even as a young kid that you are not part of the world by societies terms. It was for me, it was for my friends, and it still happens now to kids. Straight people think if they just ignore it… it will go away.

They often assume the perception that we are treated as second class citizens is all in our heads. But there is a certain non-inclusion of us in everyday life, and TV is no help.
Now, we have made great progress, but we still have a long way to go. One of the goals of my blog is to put a face on gay relationships and gay life. That is not always about the party, yet we can have fun. It is about a movement closer to equality. We really share the same problems in life as straights, and are have much more in common than not. Who we love is not a choice, like vanilla or chocolate ice cream. And for all you hiding it, you are actually making life more difficult.

Blossoming Novice Artist

I saw novice, Nam from Mon-pin temple the other day drawing, so I met with him and asked him what he like to have for supplies. He said he did not want to trouble me, but I told him I come from an artist family so for me it makes sense. I had not seen a completed drawing from him yet before I asked him what he needed. So I bought him what he wanted— watercolor paper, watercolor sets, brushes, pallet and watercolor pencils.



I dropped it off at his temple and first he gave me his best drawing, and later after he saw what I supplies I brought, I got two more in appreciation. I knew from the moment I met him when we went to the hot springs and lake that he had an eye. Few novices would draw rather than swim, like Nam did that day.

Teacher Appreciation Day At Temple School

One of the great things about being in orange and older, the novices tolerate me when I sit around watching them create 3-D displays as gifts for their teachers. But looking at how this may sound to someone considering this program, it is not just a photo opportunity. You can personally connect with the novice, being one and work on personal growth while on the path.
It really seems foolish to me to be interested without being on a buddhist path, you are less likely to understand it all, and so participation will be not have your heart involved leading to pure intention. And Thai's sense this, which will fall back in your face in subtle ways. Sure you will be tolerated, and never confronted. Anyway, this is just my opinion.
First, quite a few novices, go around and outside temple ground to gather flowers and leaves, and find some clay soil. No one bought any art supplies, and they use jostick bamboo sticks or thin wire for support. They have no drawings or photographs to work from and little if any supervision. The novices just do what there are good at and with few disagreements. Sure, some chirp in what or how to do things, and most are working in groups of 5 or more. Some displays are based on old Thai style that are seen in many temples from lay people wanting to earn merit. All this, while the teachers are off for the day.

The Many Perks: Seeing Tat's Life

Saturday, a few in the village came and cooked for us in the morning, there was so much good food and plenty of it. It was again humbling to receive others merit. A few times I have walking around, maybe going to the monks dining sala and have had cooks put down their huge pot of food and prostrate once to me. This along with most experiences here can never be quite put into words, but you can be certain ...I don’t take it lightly.



After that we went a drive to a nearby new temple where novice Tat lives at. He goes to school at our temple. Picked up 4 more novices and went to swim at a hillside lake that’s source is a spring. Because we are monks, we have to swim in our sarong tied up Indian style. It was nice and refreshing, and while the rest of went swimming, Novice Nam drew.


Using our robes, we threw them over our shoulder and proceeded to a hot springs, just in time to see a geyser spout on its schedule. Tat was so proud to show us around, he was all smiles. These are novices who have next to nothing, even not all the necessary vaccinations. Let alone floss and dental care. I just saw a novice, today who came up with small pox. Just by donating to the health fund at this temple, you can make their life better. I trust the abbot intentions and the Blood Foundation link to him. You really find the great service Thai temples provide to their novices. A more complete picture of this is found in the book, Little Angels,” by Phra Peter Pannapadipo.


On the way back home we stopped at Tat’s home and met his father. A small home, he was more than happy to see us and give us water. His family was so poor he had to go the temple to be novice, and he lucky is he is close to his families home. A look at family photo’s of his ordination a year ago, and he has grown a foot in a year! When we left him at his temple, he said the day made him so very happy. The less you have the more you appreciate.

Standing Strong

One of the things that marvel me about my partner of eight years is his ability to not confuse minor disagreements with his or our love for each other.

His firm, unwavering love is brought forth by my love and concern for him. He knows my heart and motives as I know his. For this we are both lucky.

So, when I say it time for us to get our teeth cleaned, he may put up a little resistance thanking he is fine, but if I just direct us to the dental office, and not be angry or ugly…he is fine. And when I need twice as much work as he, redoing old cavities…he doesn’t gloat at his good fortune.

While they were re-drilling my teeth, I was thinking about seeing a Thai crematorium near a temple on Friday, and how it will too soon when all these teeth will be burning up along with my body. The slight pain I perceive to experience now gone up in flames, and it often seems so pointless. Do we do this to further the idea we carry of being immortal? Fix your teeth and you have cheated death?




Anyway, I am also very lucky he is not needy in the sense of reassurance about anything he does or needing to hear how much he is loved. He has that mature sense of himself. I am a better person by loving him, seeing a totally different world through his eyes.


For this and all good fortune that has come to me, I am going to be a novice monk. To get to know my mind even better
unfettered by life’s distractions.






My partner says there is no need for me to be one, but he will let go and let me try. His only fear, joking he said, “ I might like it so much I will stay.”

I say I know so little dharma, even with 5 years of being on the path that the temple will be happy to let go of me. Just kidding. There really are times in life that have to be thankful for what you have, and still be willing to give.