Standing Strong

One of the things that marvel me about my partner of eight years is his ability to not confuse minor disagreements with his or our love for each other.

His firm, unwavering love is brought forth by my love and concern for him. He knows my heart and motives as I know his. For this we are both lucky.

So, when I say it time for us to get our teeth cleaned, he may put up a little resistance thanking he is fine, but if I just direct us to the dental office, and not be angry or ugly…he is fine. And when I need twice as much work as he, redoing old cavities…he doesn’t gloat at his good fortune.

While they were re-drilling my teeth, I was thinking about seeing a Thai crematorium near a temple on Friday, and how it will too soon when all these teeth will be burning up along with my body. The slight pain I perceive to experience now gone up in flames, and it often seems so pointless. Do we do this to further the idea we carry of being immortal? Fix your teeth and you have cheated death?




Anyway, I am also very lucky he is not needy in the sense of reassurance about anything he does or needing to hear how much he is loved. He has that mature sense of himself. I am a better person by loving him, seeing a totally different world through his eyes.


For this and all good fortune that has come to me, I am going to be a novice monk. To get to know my mind even better
unfettered by life’s distractions.






My partner says there is no need for me to be one, but he will let go and let me try. His only fear, joking he said, “ I might like it so much I will stay.”

I say I know so little dharma, even with 5 years of being on the path that the temple will be happy to let go of me. Just kidding. There really are times in life that have to be thankful for what you have, and still be willing to give.

Why Did I?

I ventured out, knowing a little Dharma never hurt me and perhaps they need help at temple. Even though I emailed earlier that I was going to stay home sick with a good winter cold. Now most smart people stay in bed on a cold night. I enjoyed the talk and meditation, reinforcing the need to work on my weak points. Missing my bus coming back, and thought it would be smarter to walk than to sit in the cold and wait. About a mile I came to a bus stop, I found a old man hanging on to newspaper racks, obviously having trouble. Nearby were at least 8 people and more walking by. At first I thought he was drunk and I am sure many others did too, but his desperation to hang on to stand up...spelled “help me”. It was the way he was trying(and his intention) and the way his hand got caught in the door. He wasn’t trying to get a paper, he was trying to just get vertical enough to stand. My heart went out immediately. He never said help, but he did need to go home on the bus, that I got it out of him when I approached and talked to him. It is funny how in these situations my speech problem does not get in the way. I saw in his bag he was trying to pick up from the ground contained breakfast cereal and an umbrella. I just let it unfold, being as clueless as the next person. So I helped the guy to get to the stop, then on to the bus, even to sit down. Then I rode with him, trying to ascertain how he makes it, and how the hell did he get there in the first place. He never complained, and mostly what he talked about was feeling sorry for all those people that lost their jobs with this economy. I thought he really needed help, and this was a new problem for him even though he was old. Asking him where his house is, he was alert enough(an obviously not a drunk), so I rode with him to stop near his house past my stop. He did not expect me nor ask because it really caught him off guard. I thought there is no way he will get home, from the bus stop in this condition. He said thanks, we talked about where I live and what music he liked…jazz. I told him I have seen Ella and Sarah decades before when I was a “kid”. He said, “Saw Billie Holiday, and what a voice she had!” Expressing to him, that I could see me in the same place he is, and needing some help. He replied, “Age, creeps up on you fast!”
I felt bad for him while walking alongside him in slow pace, because it was very difficult on him. I supported him as much as he would let me. He was trying to rush to the safety of his own home, obviously. I carried his bag and his arm...carrying most of his weight up to his apt and unlocked his apt building main door that was even for me a difficult heavy door. Thinking he would never make to his room, and collapse in the lobby, so I came in, practically carrying him up two sets of stairs, unlocked his apt with him and led him all the way to his bed. He was very winded, but so was I. He was drooling, his heart racing from trying to make it home, but still ok enough to say, “I don't need help," or don't call anyone for him. I put his pillow under his head, unzipped his coat, got some tissue for his face, and asked him if he wanted water(although water after a stroke is not a good idea). As I took off his hat and laid his head on the pillow, there was a small fresh blood stain. I also asked him if he wanted me to call his lady friend or god daughter he spoke of on the way home. He replied, "No, god bless you and take a pen." Looking around a an apartment looking very spare, I guess it was the only thing he had that he could give away and I was touched. But knowing the weakness and the drooling were quite possibly a sign of a stroke, or head injury, I moved the phone close to him, so he could call, but I just not did feel right leaving him there. Even though he would probably want to die at home. It did not seem he was thinking of dying just yet, maybe his fear of hospitals or his financial status told him to say he was fine.
Walked out, towards home still not feeling good about this. So even before getting home, I called the police while walking and had them come to see me to explain the situation arriving at my home as I walked up. They proceeded to his home after seeing me. Why did I see him and others nearby did not? There were quite a few people walking by him, like I was. Perhaps this is one of the many reasons why I survived my near death to come to help him and others.

The Light is On, and This Time Someone is Home!

In process of living with a broken computer, and doing everything in my power to not let it bother me. If it stopped working, I would try to do something else, until I was able to ascertain the cause. I even bumped up my meditation practice, and tried to smile more often to more people or help them. I was trying to keep the repairs reasonable, so that happened to hurt me in time. But how can one see the future? On one hand not turning it over to Apple to repair, cost me a week without it. My alternative was to give it to a local repair shop with a great reputation. Who would know it would not repeat the same error and sleep a lot for them? I just laughed. In the one day it was ok, I was able to run a disc repair program quickly before it failed that told me what was the error code that caused this, which jived with what the help at Apple genius bar had said. So I took it back to the same place after emailing him my results. I kept the emails cordial, trying to hide my frustration. Then they, lucky for me, replaced the part and did not charge me the labor, since I paid the first visit when it was never fixed. I maintained my cool, because this whole process took me over a month without full use of it. I really have to praise them for being honest and fair which sadly is now a rarity in the U.S. That really is the point of telling you the boring details, as well as to remind myself. By being cool headed and trying to understand both sides, I actually ended up happier by not getting upset about things you can’t control. These are a just a few of great things that happen when you change your mind. It is not so much a religion but more a practical way to live your life. My idea is to hopefully become that wise soul that people come to for help and ideas, and to die peacefully not holding on to my existence in this body. I will only expose them to the Dharma …nothing new.

Ringing in Dharma

I find that my sense of what I consider the world expands with my learning Buddha Dharma. In other words, my world expanded much beyond what I would have normally considered important to me. You know attractive people, and things I desired or care about before. It started just after traumatic brain injury when the natural evolution healing process caused me to look at everything in life. Assign importance to things, and change perspective on other things I would have in the past tossed aside. One important huge mental shift was seeing that others suffer, and sometimes much more than you in the present moment. Of course it meant having to stop comparing yourself to people much more beautiful and better off. This mental shift was instrumental in my healing process, and it did come to me like in a light bulb moment. I had to put aside my self-pity, which was so easy to fall into when ever I encountered exhaustion and still does now, but rarely. This is not to say that I was careless about our world as I was still active politically and socially, in the past. But now I see and feel more people I care about who I see and perhaps encounter in life. My actual caring circle expanded nearly doubling. I find myself talking to others when I think I can be of some help to them. I am not perfect, but I try to engage others when appropriate. I saw a new person at yoga that I could tell was struggling with the flexibility. He was a huge man, in both muscles and size. I told him you have to relax your ideas of being able to do it all right now, rest and relax and it will also help you dealing with life. Perfect the poses that come natural to you. Then I told him that before I even did yoga I used to sit on the floor and work on the stretches. Then when I started which was nine years ago and I still cannot do a lot of complex ones. I said it is great for getting your mind ready for meditation and will save your life in ways you never would have thought. My discussion with him included a note about how far I have come, from limping to my present good balance. And with my speech disability that gave it some real gravity to him. He said thank you and he was worried about his blood pressure so maybe I helped launch him in a new way of thinking.