"I want everyone to be healthy"

The man naively said to me, when I asked how his wife is doing post back surgery. He said he was tired of having to bathe her. I guess he forgot his vows, and he was referring to his circle, and it was not a general wish for everyone. I said, "Right now, you are O.K., wouldn't you be pissed if someone said this about you? You know it is just a matter of time, aging hits eveyone of us." This same man complains of his kidney stones, yet won't drink enough water. I suggested aloe vera juice when he complained of reflux. It makes me think about what I do that contrasts my well-being. In fact just writing this seems trite, so I ask forgiveness.
Bicycling to the store the other day, moving quite fast, a woman turned right in front of me across the bike lane to back up in a driveway, she saw me and did not care. I braked hard, and the rear wheel lifted up, but no wreck, I was attentive. Anger rose up fast, but I said to myself ...this where the path is put in motion. Stop it, don't curse her, don't wish harm...she won't change for me. Release the anger, as I rode up to her at the light she got stopped by. The first victim of my anger is me, and as the light turned green rode on, with a smile.

The Things We Lose

I have lost a few loves in my life, lost most of my retirement during the dot com crash, and lost my health and ability with my brain injury. Some things comes and go, like my health returned somewhat, with determination. Now it is apparent to me that this is natural part of life, and to stay on the path of wisdom, you have to roll with life’s punches and learn lessons...sometimes twice. Most certainly as you age you lose more and more abilities, so that by the time you retire you are just about shot! Every insurance companies and the federal government are not betting on your side. So, the path of wisdom is to prepare yourself mentally and this doesn’t mean digging your heels deeper and grabbing on tighter. In this losing process, you don’t have to lose your cool by learning to let go of one’s attachments to things. It is very much an ongoing lesson, so that when death comes, you will be that much more prepared and may even be able to slip into meditation as you pass.

Losing things does not have to be traumatic, it took a couple of days of coming to this conclusion when I lost money, to say, “Money is money, and money is not me!” And, I came to this 10 years ago proving I was on the road earlier than I thought. Perhaps, I knew deep down after surviving my near death that I am much more than the external things that seem to rule our lives. So this path is rediscovering the essence of who you really are. Looking around at what you have in your house that will soon be in someone else’s home or the trash, will help you know instinctually that you are not what you have, regardless of what advertising tells us. And whenever you feel a bit lost, or a bit sad go right outside of yourself and talk to a neighbor, friend or your partner and offer help, because the one thing you never lose is your kindness and connection with others. Your origination was from the kindness of your mother, because if she did not take care of you, you would not be reading this. So we started with kindness, and hopefully we end this fast trip with kindness for our self and others.

Grieving Nature ?

When I read about this it just struck me… a grieving female senator, who’s rich, adventuresome husband died while climbing. Sounds like a new movie. Clifton Maloney, a millionaire invest banker died on a mountain climbing expedition in the Himalayas. Big deal you say? Well, he was happy (quoted by him) and died in his sleep doing something he liked to do. If we could all be so lucky. He could have spent years in a home or intensive care, or living with a stroke praying for death to come knocking. And they said, with some exasperation “but had been in excellent health."

I spent Sunday hearing dhamma by Theravada monks, meditating on a body, getting older every minute. Developing loving kindness for myself while this process is happening. It doesn’t take but a quick look in the mirror in the morning to say, Geez, I am gonna have to get a larger mirror to cover that expanse moving south. That is, if I can still see it! Now, I get it. The reason why our vision goes as we age is so that we don’t have to see this mess so clearly. Oh, you say… just think young! Thinking young doesn’t get me very far when I swim, do yoga, or run in the company of 20-30 somethings.

So, I know I have to work on my mind to accept natural process of aging, illness and the dependency on others. I depended on my family when I had my brain injury, much to my surprise. I had no choice when it happened. I could not even talk enough to say, just leave me alone. How silly would be while intensive care? And if I said to the nurses, well, I just would not be here at all. So, it is beginning to make sense to get as much wisdom by reflecting on the body. Because I don’t buy the 60, is the new 40. It is not a good game plan to count on this. This doesn’t mean we have to give up on taking care of our bodies. Just work on the subtle mind that tells us in so many ways: We won’t die, at least now, so just forget about it and this day will never come. This leads to saying things we regret, acting out or procrastinating on doing things like a trust. Our fear leads us in the wrong direction from wisdom. If we introduce the inevitability of this natural process often, we can make subtle changes in consciousness bringing awareness and acceptance. It will relax our natural tendency to hold on for dear life to something that is constantly changing.


After sitting, we did walking meditation thinking, on one foot: it is the nature of our body to age, and the other foot: It is the nature of our body to get sick while placing them. On the way back we would think, It is nature with one foot and the other, Get used to it. Later in the day, I walked an imaginary path of my lifespan, which I had marked in an area with sun(life, so far) and shade(the unknown future) and I had a slight hesitation walking into the shade each time. It was subtle, but it hinted clearly my fear of what will be next. This whole day of contemplation did not make me feel depressed at all, but instead make me feel happier and lighter. Just what wisdom is supposed to do.

Buddhist-Ease

I have been waiting for the right idea to expand upon, sorry if I seem to have dropped off. My spider story got some negative feedback like, “Are you bored or have nothing to say?” But you have to give your friends credit when they make you think or push you. Today, I meditated on one of the Lamrim about death and impermanence. If one comes to realization that nothing exists in the same form and everyone will experience death. Overtime, it will bring a more present awareness of life and our place in it. It will ease us out of the thinking that grasping onto things outside of ourself as being a firm constant that once obtained the happiness will flow. I have nicknamed this as “Buddhease.” Finding the awareness and reflection we get with meditation and dhamma that I have seen a distinct lightening of character. And gradually letting go of always wanting it to be my way. I am by no means perfect, but at least by now when I say of do something inappropriate, just know that I reflect on most every action, and make a clear intention to change next time. I have noticed how I now look at things in my house and outside, with a clear knowledge that they are aging like me. It is a definite new way of thinking but becomes obvious once you experience the fact(in meditation) that we have a tendency or trying to hold on and preserve something that is constantly changing all the way down to the cell level….our me! If you get far enough along in meditation you can do object meditation trying to find the “I” that is you that you so fiercely cling to. You will find that your “I” is a mental concept only. This may sound weird in copy, but whether or not you experience this you still can benefit from meditation, if only to calm your busy mind down. This will allow you at least to look at how you deal with life.

Why Did I?

I ventured out, knowing a little Dharma never hurt me and perhaps they need help at temple. Even though I emailed earlier that I was going to stay home sick with a good winter cold. Now most smart people stay in bed on a cold night. I enjoyed the talk and meditation, reinforcing the need to work on my weak points. Missing my bus coming back, and thought it would be smarter to walk than to sit in the cold and wait. About a mile I came to a bus stop, I found a old man hanging on to newspaper racks, obviously having trouble. Nearby were at least 8 people and more walking by. At first I thought he was drunk and I am sure many others did too, but his desperation to hang on to stand up...spelled “help me”. It was the way he was trying(and his intention) and the way his hand got caught in the door. He wasn’t trying to get a paper, he was trying to just get vertical enough to stand. My heart went out immediately. He never said help, but he did need to go home on the bus, that I got it out of him when I approached and talked to him. It is funny how in these situations my speech problem does not get in the way. I saw in his bag he was trying to pick up from the ground contained breakfast cereal and an umbrella. I just let it unfold, being as clueless as the next person. So I helped the guy to get to the stop, then on to the bus, even to sit down. Then I rode with him, trying to ascertain how he makes it, and how the hell did he get there in the first place. He never complained, and mostly what he talked about was feeling sorry for all those people that lost their jobs with this economy. I thought he really needed help, and this was a new problem for him even though he was old. Asking him where his house is, he was alert enough(an obviously not a drunk), so I rode with him to stop near his house past my stop. He did not expect me nor ask because it really caught him off guard. I thought there is no way he will get home, from the bus stop in this condition. He said thanks, we talked about where I live and what music he liked…jazz. I told him I have seen Ella and Sarah decades before when I was a “kid”. He said, “Saw Billie Holiday, and what a voice she had!” Expressing to him, that I could see me in the same place he is, and needing some help. He replied, “Age, creeps up on you fast!”
I felt bad for him while walking alongside him in slow pace, because it was very difficult on him. I supported him as much as he would let me. He was trying to rush to the safety of his own home, obviously. I carried his bag and his arm...carrying most of his weight up to his apt and unlocked his apt building main door that was even for me a difficult heavy door. Thinking he would never make to his room, and collapse in the lobby, so I came in, practically carrying him up two sets of stairs, unlocked his apt with him and led him all the way to his bed. He was very winded, but so was I. He was drooling, his heart racing from trying to make it home, but still ok enough to say, “I don't need help," or don't call anyone for him. I put his pillow under his head, unzipped his coat, got some tissue for his face, and asked him if he wanted water(although water after a stroke is not a good idea). As I took off his hat and laid his head on the pillow, there was a small fresh blood stain. I also asked him if he wanted me to call his lady friend or god daughter he spoke of on the way home. He replied, "No, god bless you and take a pen." Looking around a an apartment looking very spare, I guess it was the only thing he had that he could give away and I was touched. But knowing the weakness and the drooling were quite possibly a sign of a stroke, or head injury, I moved the phone close to him, so he could call, but I just not did feel right leaving him there. Even though he would probably want to die at home. It did not seem he was thinking of dying just yet, maybe his fear of hospitals or his financial status told him to say he was fine.
Walked out, towards home still not feeling good about this. So even before getting home, I called the police while walking and had them come to see me to explain the situation arriving at my home as I walked up. They proceeded to his home after seeing me. Why did I see him and others nearby did not? There were quite a few people walking by him, like I was. Perhaps this is one of the many reasons why I survived my near death to come to help him and others.

The Soft Sell of Botox

I think we are doing a horrible disservice to our young people, by not teaching them about death. It’s mainly a problem in the USA, and not elsewhere. This would entail, showing them the aging process, and maybe a trip to an old folks home. It would be important to show them how beautiful and young they were in their 20’s, to compare to their present state. Combine that teaching with the idea if we age, then we need to save for aging, and not for botox. Years ago my own dermatologist said that botox will make the muscles slowly cease to function and your skin will smooth out. Nope, I actually bought him more time to sell more to me. What you see walking out, is quickly erased in less than two months. Like any junkie you are back for more. I wish I had the money I spent on it back then.

Now, I am paying a hell of price, sitting here with brain damage caused by my pursuit of a flat stomach. Elective surgery is just that, you elect to risk your life all for what? Sure, I got a flat tummy(then) as a side dish, but also a coma and bi-lateral strokes as my main course. No matter how I rationalize this, it was still a foolish move, and I have paid tremendously. Fast forward to now, I have tried as best as I can to turn this around. To learn from my mistake. So what does a wise man faced with extraordinary circumstances do? Become wiser( I would like to say, Become extraordinarily wise!) But that will come later. This came to me, perhaps I should tell my story to ladies or gay clubs? And the sooner you find a partner who accepts you as you are, and is conciously aware of the aging process ...the better. Read my earlier posts below to see I have moved beyond this.