Karma Exposed when Serving

I recently served a 20 day Vipassana course, and it quickly became obvious..under the work load and meditating three separate hours a day…that my karma dictates a sense of abandonment from others that don’t do the same amount of work as I. Before I arrived I had asked for a position running the dishwasher, but when a non-english speaking person came later he was given the job, and I was switched to dining room “manager,” even though it was pretty much a solo position. Which under the circumstances I fully understood, but walking an average of 7 miles a day and working non-stop with a brain injury produced sankaras to rise fast, when a few people were resting or meditating more while I worked with a brain injury. Now, I am not saying everyone else slacked, because several busy people would help me out, but I not quite fully understand internally, why I should just accept the ones who do less. That is my karma. But with a few people who would jump in to help me, also inspired me to work hard for a week in my spare time... not meditating...

but filling the side of a cement walkway that could collapse by trucks driving over it. I shoveled a lot of dirt and rocks, to pack it in and it came out pretty good. So, anger was used constructively about the few who would not help me. Of course, right now you all are laughing at me, when I could have just napped and let go of any ideas I had, but this is me. So, this path is long, and it might take me a lifetime to let go of things, but I am committed. I was lucky to have fun people to help, and two great assistant teachers who shared many of their funny stories of their own path and they knew me. I still refuse to lay around and feel sorry for myself which has led me to greater healing, yet many have no idea of the difficulties I experience.

Anger, the Greatest Imperfection

Anger came rolling in with a too little sleep and too much on my plate, even though I have been meditating one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. Perhaps there is no excuse for anger, but it comes with a brain injury like mine, especially when I don’t nap in the afternoons. It is funny that now when I do nap I fall directly into no dreams sleep and wake up naturally half-hour later. Ironically, the same day this happened, I got an interesting email with a article from Anadi on negativity, titled Purification and Transparent Imperfection. With some hope he says, “If the emotion is not too deeply embedded, there is a good chance of it being dissolved.” But we know when we share our anger, there are many repercussions to follow with those we love. I will go next month to serve a 20-day Vipassana, to work up close and personal on my triggers and learn to stop it in its track with greater awareness or at least diffuse it. I married the right person to not allow anger to be a part of our relationship.

Pick an Emotion!

There are many times that I found myself with anger arisen over a particular unwanted thing happening. I guess the body has some energy that needs to be released and it is often very unskillful. With a little bit of wisdom, I can see the anger, but I notice my ego will quickly find a new angle to access a different emotion all based on the original incident. Feeling like an unlocked backdoor, it is at first... enticing. At least now after seeing this happen again and again, my awareness is slowly stopping these forays into sideline emotions. I am now trying to ease the original displeasure with noting what is happening and with the awareness of breath and where it might take me... which is always away from peace. This might help— with a monkey mind you can flip between now and future outcome (i.e. often more trouble than the original complaint). I can usually access humor when I repeat to myself, Pick an emotion, and just run with it. Seeing it spinning out of control, trying to hold tight to your original emotion and how fast it can move quickly in the opposite direction of peace. At times, I have to beeline to the cushion, to just sit and observe... if at home. I certainly do not carry a cushion with the words embroidered on it, In Case of Anger, but at least this will give you all some idea of my intention.

I know intellectually why anger can be easily accessed for me, but outlining why would only put this further from your own experiences. It can be used with sadness and depression, if this is what you have frequent flier miles in. Those two often appear when one has anger towards yourself. Whatever emotion, just watch what you are doing, even if you can’t stop it immediately… the awareness of how much further you cast peace out of your range will be enlightening.    

Countdown?

I tell my partner, "Go ahead to the pool, I’ll pick up the wet laundry." He replies, “Jai Dee!”, a title I recently gained with my meditation and relaxation into what is. Of course, it is not permanent, and I have to work on it constantly, with my many years of being over-reactive, generously conditioned by growing up with alcoholism.

Earlier today, he started singing near me while watching a youtube concert with headphones on….while I was meditating. I was just 25 minutes in and relaxing in my body. I felt anger arise in my body, but just watched it like it was an enemy of happiness. So, I took this opportunity to have some fun, because it was a subtle sign of him needing attention. He was facing me sitting on the bed, actually enjoying the quiet body near him. Then from a totally silent unmoving body, I just made a scary, “BOOO!” and a wild face. He loved it, although it scared him making his hair stand up on his arms.

I smiled and said, “It must be time to eat!” He motioned with his hands near his eyes, like horse blinders, “Gin Kao.” It was an inside joke, that I created when I noticed when he wants food, he wants it now, not 5 minutes nor a half-hour later.

If I am committed to our happiness, it can not be only a passive observation, and it has to be flexible and bend around every new obstacle. Even if is self-created. It can be as simple as relaxing and dropping any expectations. It is often observed as difficult at the moment, and believe me I still can beat myself up over this, but I'm learning and re-learning through observation. This is a great fast forward into the difficulties of aging happening all the time regardless of which age you are. To be sure I write about this mainly to remind myself, and if it helps others that is a plus.

Last night we walked up to the roof to see the year end fireworks, it felt like a foreign experience...a sober observation of others joys. I wondered if the others on the roof celebrating could see our causal relaxed interactions that have took over a decade of commitment to develop?

"I want everyone to be healthy"

The man naively said to me, when I asked how his wife is doing post back surgery. He said he was tired of having to bathe her. I guess he forgot his vows, and he was referring to his circle, and it was not a general wish for everyone. I said, "Right now, you are O.K., wouldn't you be pissed if someone said this about you? You know it is just a matter of time, aging hits eveyone of us." This same man complains of his kidney stones, yet won't drink enough water. I suggested aloe vera juice when he complained of reflux. It makes me think about what I do that contrasts my well-being. In fact just writing this seems trite, so I ask forgiveness.
Bicycling to the store the other day, moving quite fast, a woman turned right in front of me across the bike lane to back up in a driveway, she saw me and did not care. I braked hard, and the rear wheel lifted up, but no wreck, I was attentive. Anger rose up fast, but I said to myself ...this where the path is put in motion. Stop it, don't curse her, don't wish harm...she won't change for me. Release the anger, as I rode up to her at the light she got stopped by. The first victim of my anger is me, and as the light turned green rode on, with a smile.

When Being Right is Wrong

On this wisdom path, some things just tickle you like seeing a sweet humming bird. A week ago at yoga, the teacher walked in a tiny bit late but full of piss and vinegar. The subway was slow and subjected him to an evil abusive man and his female prey/conjugate. He said, that he knew she was being abused, but without direct proof there while riding in the subway, he felt powerless. It bugged him, added on top of it the train was late.

He tired his best to make it into a lesson for the class, but his internal temperature and tone was not very good. So, like a tornado he brought the bad energy into class, and we all felt it. I even found myself irritated and I even had just finished a half hour meditation before it started. I continued pushing past the first half hour where I felt like walking out and I could see how it was affecting my poses. Anger is like this, I say. Thinking, he is human and has feelings and to be compassionate I will use this as practice to maintain a cool heart. I have brought bad energy to situations myself, now I can see first hand how it affects people.

Several friends said after class, “I don’t think I will ever attend his class again.” I said, “I felt this same way and it wasn’t professional, of course… but he is young and still a good teacher.” His intent was not to make us as irritated as he was. This week in class he did not mention it, and nor did I...so we were seemlessly back on track. I could have said something to him and stormed out of that class making a scene. Thus, doing so would only prove what a friend said about me years ago, “You have the ability to piss off all the right people.” Being right in this instance is raising my temperature and mood to meet him head on. With an ego mind, I would look to myself as hero, but to everyone else a fool. But, I am everyone else so the fool precedes the hero.



Meditation allows me to see this, to look beyond the immediate moment, often called “Being Right,” to what do I really want to see as a final outcome. If I want happiness... then, I have to be happiness even when I don’t get it all my way. Today, I went to the same teacher’s hour and half yoga clinic, and we sat talking about leg positions when sitting like old friends. The future you want can suddenly be right here, reminding you of the work you did do to casually open the door to let the happiness back in.

What Ego?

Many times I will encounter a new person not familiar with me, and upon speaking they will get very uneasy, because I don’t have any real obvious signs of physical signs of brain injury. And then if receptive they immediately wish me well, like I am dying or getting sicker. I really can't win. I just laugh knowing, I was a sicker bitch before the brain injury and they don’t know how lucky they really are.

Losing a little touch with my ego, that fragile house of cards gradually has brought some lightness of being this past year. I can’t tell you how many times I caught myself trying to whip up some bitch about something to prove how smart I really am. It doesn’t mean that I am 100% successful in letting go, but it is a process rewarded with laughter. When I am my aware of when I experiencing the dis-ease with life and catch it before it transforms into anger, or dissatisfaction. It feels, at first, like I am denying myself the right to be angry – the ego is that powerful. If by chance, I am right this time, what do I really stand to gain? We often get angry and don’t think beyond this instant to the aftermath of the tornado. But now with daily meditation I have downloaded somewhat, each day, the myriad of worries and stuff that we file to use at a later date. This gives me the 2 seconds I need to take a better path. For instance I see the object of my anger(often times someone else) walking away unscathed and unaware of my metal turmoil, by laughing at myself. Not always out loud, but at least loosing the belt a notch, a little sigh and big smile. My father got me hooked on being right as a means to live and make your self seem better than others. But being right is tightly wrapped around your ego, that same ego that if looked closely at it, it is a mental construct held by you only, not the world.
DISCLAIMER: I got plenty more ego where that came from, this is to inspire me and recognize I am on the right path. I know I will never become ego-less, but I would settle for half of its current power.

Wisdom Blooming

With the work it takes on my mind, so I don’t end up being a grumpy old man ...I sometimes see my progress. This week one day, I went to yoga and arrived early to meditate a 40 minutes prior to the class starting. I had my eyes closed, so I did not see that my normal teacher was not present, and a substitute started class. This is how I usually come out of meditation, and hearing music I was unfamiliar with I knew it was another teacher. I assumed she was trying to get her IPOD list for class, but it was really what she was playing. The music was not a “death jam, ” but it was still did not go with yoga, actually fighting the relaxing flow normally associated with it. I tried to deal with it as best as possible, but with my brain injury could not figure out what was going on. It was bugging me, so I put on my own IPOD thinking that I could do it visually …but again too much input for my brain. I thought should I tell her the music sucks? I decided I would not, because it is arrogant and most likely someone else would. I looked around at several students that I know to see if they looked unhappy. I stopped doing yoga, and tried to just be still, but I was bothered. My eyes while closed were buzzing, showing me how much anger affects the body. I was doing my best not to get angry, but still? I am not happy? No, I thought. Or is just the wrong music? Yes, and it could easily be fixed by leaving. So I quietly put my shoes on and left, without making a scene or a face. The old me, would have walked up to her and told her the music is not appropriate. But not now, thinking of the other members of the class, they would have felt my vibe and it would have rubbed off on them. I would be spreading my anger and really it was just one hour, and I could do something else. So, I hopped on stairmaster until the class ended. Later three of my friends came up to me and said the music was awful, and they complained to the teacher. She said, “It is my playlist.” And one friend even went to the management and complained.
My friend later said, “You left.” I did not say to her that complaining does make one happy, but thought of it in relation to me. The process of letting go of trying to control the outside world is one I have to practice every day. I have to also reflect on my errors while in meditation, because I will forget often. But this one instance showed signs of anger slipping and wisdom’s potential.

Start Small

Well, they have found that rats laugh when you tickle them or when they wrestle with each other. It is a high pitch sound that takes a special bat listening device to translate the sound into one we as human can hear. All this is on radiolab.org. So that throws all our ideas out about a being a more evolved species, because we can laugh. Closer to god, I think not! I hope this will propel more people into caring a little bit more about our environment and all the animals included. You might not like rats, just as much as I don’t like sweaty football payers but that doesn’t mean you or I have to kill all of them. They deserve as much right to be on this planet as you and I. Consequently, there is so much in our world we find displeasure in and yet we try to destroy it or get angry at it. It is so foolish and is they cause of our wars and violence that permeates our everyday life. It can be as simple as changing how we perceive the upset of not getting that parking space someone just beat us to. We have a much bigger world and much bigger problems that need to be looked a much simpler and easier to understand approach way first and then work bigger. Start small like killing rats or that to die for parking space and we can change the big problems we really do face in life.

Waiting for Sunset

I have been reflective, cleaning my house to new music I bought. In addition helping at my temple, and painting for them. I got to brighten up the entry, using colors I found on one of our Buddhist books. This helps to keep the look consistent and upbeat. I have managed also to meditate and see friends and exercise. I am trying to plan a trip that will give more to write about and to photograph. I often hear similar Buddhist teachings over the years, and most often I take something new out of every one. I really enjoy when I hear someone say to our teacher that this lesson was just made for them at this moment. Meaning that it rang true, and helped them cope in a difficult time. When I see them deep in conversation I brought them both tea, and made myself scarce.
Meanwhile, I have to keep my cool during the election cycle and praying for a good change. Involved enough to help, but not so much to lessen my anger quotient. My windows have Obama posters on them, in the hope that some real change is happening after 8 years of Bush lies.

Chose The Big Picture

I’ve often said that we chose the things that bother us and those that don’t. It is so funny that we will waste time getting angry about being 5 minutes late and blame innocent drivers in front of us. To the point of getting red-faced and cursing their mother. Just look in your view mirror, and you will probably see the driver behind doing it to you. Just like the “C” I got in High School English that nobody cared about, no one is going to remember you being 5 minutes late for anything. Or care. And when I was near death in the hospital years ago, no one talked to me about being late or my grades, as they chose to worry about the big picture. How was I going to survive this and would I ever have a brain left? If I only had a brain! Just their choice to focus on me getting better gave me the life force to accomplish the impossible. I picked up the pieces and ran with it. So, go ahead and chose something with some meaning like helping others instead of focusing on the things we can’t really change. When I started examining myself, I was amazed how easy it is to be bothered by small unchangeable stuff. It is not all gone, but I am working on it in almost every instance. I am happy with who I am and the wisdom I have. And the wisdom I can work to obtain. Happy Holidays!

Night Moves Me

This is about as much as I can say when I meditate. But, today while meditating, I have come to realize that any anger or displeasure I have managed to lose through awareness and teachings is filled with compassion. This was a new revelation...a light bulb moment. So, changing of my anger even in most innocent forms only increases my compassion. But I can't rest here, I am a work in progress.

Ride Away Anger

Early, yesterday I tried to get some things done around home before seeing a friend later. He cancelled and instead of feeling down about a change of plans, I took off on my bike to see if I could do a ride like I used to 16 years ago. My disability brings certain health things with it to worry about, but also some “devil may care attitude.” Stopping to help two young Dutch women with as map, and talking to them about where they wanted to go next. I told them an easy way down to their destination. I decided to take the hill, feeling like I vampired some of their youth. I did not push too hard and when things seemed bad, I rested and drank water. I pushed a steep hill slowly, barely passing walking people. Within two hours I stood at the peak, on crystal clear day with a view of the Pacific. I asked a tourist with his wife up there for the first time by car to take my photo. We talked briefly about why I spoke poorly, and where he from since he told me they moved away. He said to appreciate it more. I continued on with a sense of relief for making it this far, which meant it was going to a relaxing, beautiful ride home. I got to ride past some places that meant a lot in my past, so it was kind of like memory lane tour. I find it is important to be flexible when things change, as a way to keep anger away. Perhaps, if I keep doing this, anger will find a slippery hold on me…hopefully. Now, that I can this ride I will repeat it again.
Today, after a full day ending with volunteering I answered an ad for a dinner date. When I informed the person I had speech disability, they cut off any conversation and of course the date. This caused no anger because I had little expectations, and feel it is their loss.

A New Moon

Sorry, it has been many moons since I wrote, while getting my home ready for winter. Supervising work and doing some myself from 7 am until 4 pm. So physically exhausting I had to nap, before going to bed at night. I got a lot done in a one-week time span, and of course now I have to pay for it. One of my neighbors joking calls me Mr. Perfect, because I maintain my house, instead of letting it fall apart like some people do with their body. I maintain my house and my car, doing work before it becomes a huge problem. These are important investments, so I can be assured that they will continue to be safe and working. During this time there were several instances where I was able to put my mindfulness to work when dealing with the workers and running for supplies. I saw a few times when anger could surface and I would smile and never show my displeasure. It made people even more friendly and relaxed. This brought others and myself some calmness in the rush to get things before an announced rain…which, of course never happened.