It Happens, When It Happens

As I continue to peel away my past traumas in dreams and it meditation, I am also excitedly putting together my partner’s fiancé application. I am still shocked the law finally ruled in our favor based on my life’s experiences, confronting hatred and prejudice. I did not sit around and complain only these last 20+ years, I was still involved and out there. Facing things as they came up in work and life since 18. Perhaps, all this was in the cards when I first saw poor boys playing in a photo book on our family coffee as a young boy. This is one small piece that helped trigger my awareness of others and the world.

Could I be living a life that has already been laid out? I have told many people if I never had my near death and brain injury, I would have never be where I am today with less anger, more awareness and happiness. I really feel I would never get here even at this age, spiraling into disgust with life based on not feeling safe at home or out in the world. My “rebellion” was to find fault in everyone and the world, and graduating for me was doing in a form for a career, and socially in a sarcastic and funny way. Not to paint an entirely messed up life, there were some important people and events along the way allowing me to form relationships. A few people noted it, but nothing was eye-opening enough to totally shift course. 

The main thing that it has been awakening is my upcoming marriage feels like it is way less about me, and more about how to further make my partner’s dreams come true. Although when I bought my house it for the “two of us”, the other being my last relationship that fizzled under the strain of my near death and trying to figure out who I was, post injury. If I can step back whenever things get difficult with my current partner and see it from his eyes and see any displeasure as my expectations getting too grand. He will be coming from a foreign country, to an imaginary place he dreamt about, and this is my chance to see it all anew.  Luckily, he is sensible and we have already spoken about the fact that it may be hard to make it here, even with his masters, we’ve opted to perhaps sell and go somewhere else less expensive. I will try not to add any more burdens to his difficult life, just more opportunities to show my love through my letting go.  There is a great sigh of relief knowing if I die tomorrow he is provided for and I have at least helped one person. I feel I have turned my life around enough to make a difference and this provides a dampening of the whys of existence. We run around all over in ideas, desires and experiences with the hope to feel the contentedness underlying my existence right now. It doesn’t mean that I am free of problems and worries but they probably won’t be based on that old existential fear.

 

Going back to the laid out idea, why did I have a room full of religious paintings if I was not religious at all when I started? I would often say to people that I admired the unsigned paintings done in total devotion for any help they can give in this difficult human life. Not knowing it that it was really a sign that the ‘me’ has dissolved for them and I was nowhere near that when the paintings and I met first. Maybe I ought to attribute my collection as a collection of the ironies of life? Or they were just a time killer waiting for awareness to kick in?

Looking in all the Wrong Places

I often see the damage that self-hating does to one, looking back at my own history and those of some of my friends. Being gay there are few positive role models as you grow up. Often gays are not able to talk to anyone growing up. By the time we come out the damage to our self image is already done. We might jump on the “critical boat” of finding fault in others to make ourselves feel better. Worse yet, the self doubts that can cripple our pursuits in our career. But at the minimum, we have the nagging feeling that we are just not handsome or smart enough. Later we might mature, after having close relationships where that same self doubts play such a big part showing cracks. I am here to say, stop. One spends precious time spinning in circles when you could be out just enjoying life or perfecting your niche. You can never really be pretty or smart enough for others. Most people operate on an advertised ideal person that absolutely no one can every live up to. If we approach loving our partner with the idea that they will make us happy, when in fact, we can’t even make ourselves happy …we will fail. Work on your mind and love yourself first, even when society in most cases does not. Then proceed with a real relationship not based on demands, but instead honestly wishing them love purely. Love not with the attachment of what you will get out of it…that's wisdom. You will be rewarded with long lasting relationships, even if they might break up. They will stand the test of time, because you are wise and accept the changes that invariably happen.

The Noisemakers

I was meditating in the gym before yoga, and this came to my mind. Some people have the need to make noise. It is kind of like the “I am here!” drop of keys, a mat or a ball. It can be done without thinking, but I think it is done to get attention. I have noticed in Asia people are less likely to do this or be engaged even casually in someone else’s business. I know my partner is so quiet, almost in stealth mode. So, these noisemakers would be considered rude there. I know several times I have groaned while doing exercises, in the hopes of getting some sympathy and perhaps a smile. I just know someone is thinking the same thing, “Why am I here? Of course, I am not immune to these same things just becoming more aware. With my awareness I am saying hello more to strangers, instead of slyly making noise. Changing.

I will be meditating and the person next to me will have a friend who just happens to have some new gossip, and will come talk to them, quite audibly knowing I am quiet near them. I have now gotten used to every noise and refuse to let my brain go there or listen. Or to get bothered. It took time, and even patience with myself to not be engaged in noise or conversation. I can…with intention. I do think that when I die, people will continue to talk and make noise and I won’t party to any of it. Better get used to it.

Finding Clarity

Never to be one to lay down and rest I saw a couple of South Asian films. One was a fun Bollywood film that kept me occupied for nearly 4 hours, even though it was a camp and silly. The one that made its mark was Sankara, a beautiful, slow, Buddhist film from Sri Lanka. It was the kind of slow that one desires when life seems too fast and hectic. It allows you to discover the subtleties of life through a simple story. I find when life moves too fast you feel unable to make clear, thought out and felt decisions. We seem to be much more happy fussing with simple unimportant aspects of life, rather than examining how we think. We can just be lazy, dissatisfied and complain making us feel like we are making decisions. I am trying to quit doing this by being deliberate and changing how I go about seeing problems and difficult decisions. Most importantly I am trying to stop attempting to change others, but instead looking at why I feel like I need to. Looking for that new age of enlightenment about clarity. This will not happen overnight.

A Natural End

I heard a teaching I have heard several times by different teachers on love, attachment and delusions last night. In the teaching he asked, “What happens in every long term relationship?” The first person who answered said, “Boredom”, the second person in the room said, “Death” which is the correct answer. Now I have meditated on my death and death alone, and heard a lot of dharma talks, but this is the first one where a very important point came into my mind. No matter what believe about reincarnation or heaven, death is the ultimate change one experiences. That means that every other change we experience including watching our bodies fall apart as we age pales in comparison. The Ahh-hah moment happened last night, the real hard fact that will propel me hopefully into accepting all other change. That simple, important fact will lessen our need to feel like we are suffering the change of say, a relationship breaking up or someone is late. If we remember the change of death, and embrace the change of everyday experience we will find patience slowly will become our natural wisdom.

Ride Away Anger

Early, yesterday I tried to get some things done around home before seeing a friend later. He cancelled and instead of feeling down about a change of plans, I took off on my bike to see if I could do a ride like I used to 16 years ago. My disability brings certain health things with it to worry about, but also some “devil may care attitude.” Stopping to help two young Dutch women with as map, and talking to them about where they wanted to go next. I told them an easy way down to their destination. I decided to take the hill, feeling like I vampired some of their youth. I did not push too hard and when things seemed bad, I rested and drank water. I pushed a steep hill slowly, barely passing walking people. Within two hours I stood at the peak, on crystal clear day with a view of the Pacific. I asked a tourist with his wife up there for the first time by car to take my photo. We talked briefly about why I spoke poorly, and where he from since he told me they moved away. He said to appreciate it more. I continued on with a sense of relief for making it this far, which meant it was going to a relaxing, beautiful ride home. I got to ride past some places that meant a lot in my past, so it was kind of like memory lane tour. I find it is important to be flexible when things change, as a way to keep anger away. Perhaps, if I keep doing this, anger will find a slippery hold on me…hopefully. Now, that I can this ride I will repeat it again.
Today, after a full day ending with volunteering I answered an ad for a dinner date. When I informed the person I had speech disability, they cut off any conversation and of course the date. This caused no anger because I had little expectations, and feel it is their loss.