Universe Unfolding Its’ Plan

Having just gone through the sonic birth part of M.B.L., and the resulting exhausting dreams, unloading tons of past experiences… it becomes apparent that the way I got to this point was not really my own doing. I rode a landslide down a hill in one dream, almost like skiing on the rocks, landing upright with a huge boulder resting beside me…spurred to manifest because of a song I heard. People in the dream asked why I went that way, I said, “Because, I had to!”

Sure, we all would like to think in command of it all because of our ego-based consciousness, but it was what the universe had planned for me… even our birth. If you put aside all the strange things that lead me here, and how many hundreds of unrelated (we think) people are involved it was not a very direct path. Taking a helicopter view of my life, certainly, one could never have planned all this... in an effort to save my life. Now, I have to turn it around enough to help other people after they and the universe helped me. It has been a fun journey, if one doesn't take the hard parts personally and fully understand why you're still around. It feels like one is living in the Perplexus of life, the ball is constantly falling off the track, and you have to twist it and start again taking a different and more cautious route. In our pursuit of safety or what we think is known we are forgetting that we can out maneuver what the universe had planned for us.



I was talking with a friend about trying to take ownership of my latest venture, but knowing although it felt like it was the next smart move to find peace, I really did nothing but bump into the next thing. Perhaps, I was in the right place and time, possessing the correct mind space to accept what is present at this very moment. The universe had its’ plan and really all I have to do is just exist, as it will determine my course and even when I die. We falsely believe that we do things, but life lives us not the other way around.

The Worst Assumption...

...that there is always tomorrow. Most of the time we live our lives right up to our last moment assuming that tomorrow we can be happy or at least happier than we are right now.  Meanwhile, our bodies and minds fall apart.  This makes it ever more difficult to change our perspective and we end up banging our heads against a wall. “It worked in the past, so why doesn’t it work now?” or like the old man I found on the street after having experienced a stroke who I helped home said, “Age creeps up on you fast!”

I find myself examining my life and actions now with greater and greater frequency. Trying to move towards lightness, instead of darkness. Sometimes, I am lucky enough to be aware right in the midst of engaging. Then I can fast forward to an outcome beneficial to others and myself, and cut my reactive mind out of the equation. I do find that most all conversation instigated by me is a kind of ego based expression. The equivalent of saying, "Wait, I am here and alive and I matter," rises up. If I remain quiet, I seem to run up against the real fact that I don’t really exist. That this life could very well be a dream, with only one or two important distinctions from the ones experienced when I lay down. I can feel the weight of my body affected by gravity, and tastes are usually more enhanced and detailed. I can usually exist in silence for quite sometime with ease given my difficulty with speech.

Saturday, I went to a Satsang with Bentinho Massaro, and was quiet except during lunch with my friend who accompanied me there. There was one time when he spoke with one woman, guiding her into feeling her own pain which she had mistakenly tied in with feelings for the sufferings of animals …and I felt that what she really needed was a hug. Coming from the loneliness and misplaced anger that was her vegan path. I almost spoke about this, but caught myself. Also she was intelligent and aware enough to see the pain when Bentinho pointed it out. Bentinho was clear and mature enough in awareness to feel her pain but not get swept up in it. The whole exchange was so beautiful to watch and made me appreciate our precious human existence that we often forget.

Before I went to see him, my friend did a brain/bone hearing test from his Mozart Brain lab equipment, and found that my last Vipassana, it left my emotions open and we would have to work to close it back up enough in therapy when his has time. ( it is charted based on frequencies) I do have emotional lability left over from my severe brain damage, that in a good way is liberating, because I cannot keep emotions hidden in my gut, and when I feel emotions I express them at the time the cause manifests. I rarely cry in out bursts that is embarrassing or out of place now. This allows me to be more compassionate and makes my path evolve naturally. I find that when I speak it ties me in to my past ego demands and more old self faster. I find that friends that are more comfortable with my former self, are now pulling away which is natural for them. They are scared of silence, which seems like a mirror of their actions and way of being. The people that are “on board” appreciate the move from my old ways.

Meanwhile, my partner has come to some maturity and self-awareness of his being and the effects on others, just in the past 4 months that has brought him great clarity and joy. It was a natural evolution from seeing where he was creating some of his misery. He has been rewarded at work, and everyone there comments about his change. He is one person that was born into darkness and is moving towards lightness I can model on. And really all he needs is my love and not my advice, so I can be quiet on this front. With one hand touching the earth.


Crying is one of the highest devotional songs. One who knows crying knows spiritual practice. If you can cry with a pure heart, nothing else compares to such prayer. Crying includes all the principles of yoga.

— Swami Kripalvanandji

When Wisdom Slips in the Back Door

I’ll pass this along in hopes that it helps someone else. My partner asked me to go running Monday, and we took a bus to the park and started. Shortly, he was fast ahead of me and I was running alone. I knew he had a goal in mind, but then my “I” started to feel left out. Annoyance crept in while running, I said in my head, “Why ask me to go running with you and then take off, what is the point?” The annoyance stewed into a bit more working its way toward anger. Yes, I will say it to him when we meet at the stretching bars area. So, since I had quite a bit to go, I ran it though my head, I’ll just tell him, I am going home there is no point in me being here. When I said the ‘me’ part, something sounded wrong. Then I thought that any confrontation, or showing my displeasure will throw a wrench into his happiness and bounce back on me. Obviously, this is what he wants to do right now, and again he rarely, if ever does things with any intention to hurt me. He is just setting high goals for himself that’s all, and hey, guess what? I get to enjoy his hard work, too.

I ran my course, got some water, and in effect let my annoyance go by looking at I really want. We met at the bars, and in a short time he and I were done stretching, and we walked back happily and I never said a thing. I was not just keeping a lid on it, I, instead fully examined my anger and let go of the “me” quotient. We walked to get dinner items with joy and then he bought me a sports drink. When home, he prepared dinner and laid it out, no questions. He was tired and happy. After dinner he gave me a kiss and laid his head in my still sweaty lap. He was showing his appreciation for me, and I gave him a kiss and said, “Let me shower, Na!”


The following day we went running in the park again, and without a blink… he ran only at my pace, sometimes inspiring me to run faster. This was all done without me saying what I wanted the previous day. I told him thanks, and he said, “I will run one lap with you and then workout and let you run a bit further.” By the time I ran my share and got to the bars he was ready to go, with ease and great timing. We arrived home again and I said you go shower I’ll prepare dinner, and I did laundry. He was very thankful I did it all, he had a hard day at work. Two days of bliss that I would have missed if I started my Monday with a needy demand. I felt so lucky to have some wisdom come to me during my cool down. Or perhaps it was my own words from when in the past, I've said, “I really want to make his life easier,” slipped in the back door to greet me with open arms.

Love Means....

This is more than done, so I thought I would write about this, in the hopes it will help others. Even after 8 years there are still some things we can butt heads on. Yes, love between my partner and I is firmly entrenched... but, of course, we still get wake up calls when things get a little spooky. Moods play a huge role, and with one mood from either one us we can set the world afire. One day, meeting after his school he was a bit moody and was curt with me, and I decided to take offense at it, by calling him on it. It was the wrong move, because he likes to indulge in his moods, letting them run their course until he tires of it. It has nothing to do with me or us. I have to really give up on the idea of him understanding that his moods can affect us, because it goes both ways. I know he is stubborn beyond my limits, so I just joke with him and tell him “Love means never having to say you’re ugly.” I should know by now that with his master’s and work he is just over it, and it is hard to turn off that drive when through. I applaud him for going this far. FWUMP! upside da head. Changing the world, does not apply to boyfriends. Soon enough it becomes a joke between us, if ... I just let go.

Without Drugs? and Giving Thanks

I am thinking of aging and dieing without major long-term pharma-ceuticals use. This might sound great now, when I have no major illness to maintain or control. But when I was just out of ICU, I quickly convinced the doctor to take me off of blood thinners. Later when they prescribed anti-depressants to help my speech(they did somewhat), I hated the feeling and quickly got off.

I have seen so many older folks end up taking so many pills, that they have no idea of how they combine and react over the long term. Or one drug made for one symptom could easily cause another. Just read the fine print, which I am quickly finding is too damn small for me. Plus, Dr’s in USA are pill crazy, no preventive answers. We all know that aging make your blood vessels smaller and many times ends up with high blood pressure naturally. I posed this in a forum, and one person said my view is provocative and could easily agree. But he was worried about illegal drugs, and the ease of legal drugs and often they are consumed. He did confess he was on High Blood pressure drugs and a statin for cholesterol. Further he said that feels to be in good shape, yet says he doesn’t exercise enough. Signs that he like me could keep on top of our own health better as always.


We all have seen Grandma or Grandpa with their daily pills regime, often times taking multiple pills with nothing but water or juice. Just imagine what your stomach and upper intestines look like. My polyp in my upper intestine was caused by vitamins over the years, lying there dissolving in mass, oftentimes without enough food to absorb. Later, in his further replies were more about addressing life and thinking death is not imminent. Yet, we do not know ever, how soon it will come knocking.

We all probably know someone who died when it wasn’t there time and the shock experienced with this. But, hello …the shock was even more pronounced with the person thus described. Unresolved feelings and appreciations for all life has brought so far. This is why I am going to be a novice monk next month. It will allow such a space to really contemplate life and to give appreciation and thanks to my mother and all my friends, and especially those that stuck by me after my injury. In the midst of life’s total upheavals, I have been fortunate to have love and heart felt concern for my wellbeing. I could only repay this by helping others and making it my life focus. It is good that the money I give to the temple and the foundation attached to be a monk, help disadvantaged Thai and Burmese in schooling and income generating projects.




Next, I will try to convince and pay for my partner to go get his first eye exam at age 30 this weekend, and get his teeth cleaned which he now does every year with my suggestion. Wink. I finally had to get glasses to read outside of home, because it became hard to compose photographs in camera. Oh, well little signs of my stubbornness. We were made for each other.

Finding Clarity

Never to be one to lay down and rest I saw a couple of South Asian films. One was a fun Bollywood film that kept me occupied for nearly 4 hours, even though it was a camp and silly. The one that made its mark was Sankara, a beautiful, slow, Buddhist film from Sri Lanka. It was the kind of slow that one desires when life seems too fast and hectic. It allows you to discover the subtleties of life through a simple story. I find when life moves too fast you feel unable to make clear, thought out and felt decisions. We seem to be much more happy fussing with simple unimportant aspects of life, rather than examining how we think. We can just be lazy, dissatisfied and complain making us feel like we are making decisions. I am trying to quit doing this by being deliberate and changing how I go about seeing problems and difficult decisions. Most importantly I am trying to stop attempting to change others, but instead looking at why I feel like I need to. Looking for that new age of enlightenment about clarity. This will not happen overnight.