Oh, thank you for a casual reminder to let go today and yesterday. Customized to me but then again how is one supposed to learn if you're not paying attention? Sorry, I am missing posts this past month with all that has been going this month, but I did up my meditation!
Saturday, I helped a friend choose interior colors for his space with unbelievably dark colors his designer picked. And he kept running to Tahoe to escape the cave the guy put him in...I told him that is why. I gave him 3 versions in each room, even painting them myself, and two more areas that, for me, had pretty particular solutions that narrowed it down more easily. We knew if I get involved we get the ball rolling, so that is why I jumped on doing it for him. On Friday, I had seen a friend at the gym, who asked me about kirtan with Jai Uttal, and told me about her desire to go, I remembered to find a kirtan on Friday evening and book it. I contacted most all friends, and no one wanted to go or had other plans…but I am fine going alone. On Saturday morning, I talked with my yoga teacher and he said he and his friend were going, as well. So, after a strong cup of chai I took off and met them both at the door. We sat down together in the front row and met two more people, We sat around and talked about teaching yoga to regular people with injuries, etc. I conveyed my interest in teaching, but with my voice it would be a problem. But I still think that my story and perseverance would help people when they first start and are awash in what they can’t do. It was so much fun, that I had a hard time sleeping that night with my heart full of vibrations.
Sunday, I started early with a meditation upright in bed, my body told me to chill, when I thought about the all the work I have to do after contractors where here. I started a small part of it, and then did homework, read, napped, taking off for puja with the Nuns. I walked into the Vahara, and one was meditating, so I happily and quietly joined her, and placed my glasses down.
Later, she quietly prostrated 3 times, and thinking we might do puja, I moved from meditation posture to puja (hero’s pose) forgetting my glasses and rolled over them.
We just continued meditating for an hour, and I fought the need to fix the glasses for the first ten minutes. It is what I wanted to meditate more than recite prayers, so it was my wishes answered. I did chuckle internally during meditation about the “fixing mind” which seems like it was tailored to me, growing up with an alcoholic father. I did let go and relax, and I was not tense. In meditation, I did ‘see’ a six year old girl in the room with a parent, not related to me, a vision… and even let her go. The vihara was formally someone's house. I happily drove to pick up my injured friend’s laundry to take home, after the vihara.
I did see someone today even though he pulled up his collar to avoid me seeing him… and let go of the need to say hello because he did not need it at the moment. Again, something I can't fix. As a sick friend said on Saturday… psychic! when I emailed him a spot on guess of what he needed to eat that day. A sign of showing love for himself. And yes, it was what he had.
28 February, 2011
24 February, 2011
15 February, 2011
Today, after class I quietly talked with the Professor. I said, "I can't take much more, the woman next to me, needs to be spoon-fed, won't follow any directions, and interrupts me constantly... Never saying please, calling me by the wrong name. I just can not get anything done or take this with my aphasia." Smiling, She said, "I marveled at your patience, how do you do it? I thought about telling her I am Buddhist, but in this instant it sounded haughty so I kept quiet. "This will be easy, I will move your seat. We always have one like her", the professor said winking.
Very few times in my life people have said I am patient. Besides this one time, the other times when they see how I am treated in public when I speak. Not always, of course...but sometimes it is quite obvious others don't listen. You can't change the world.. only yourself, and I have not snapped at her, only watched how I feel. Looking beyond the immediate moment to a future where I have to deal with this person or someone like her. At least my practice has some fruits bearing in everyday existence.
04 February, 2011
I will tell you something... for the past several years, I rarely look in the mirror, and I am not one to check myself out. It is because when I look into the mirror I don't see me, I see more of the body I inhabit, as strangely as it sounds. This gets me in weird circumstances with food or sun cream on my face, but that is more about my numbness caused by the accident...I can't feel it there, and since I don't check much ....there you have it. I do look people in their eyes, and make a point to connect, but I rarely look into my own eyes. When I "look at myself" it is much deeper than the surface, and in sort of emptiness that never includes me popping around. I spent the better part of my youth worrying about how I look, so I can keep it together almost as second nature, yet it is far less important. Most of the reasons I still do anything at all is not to look like I lost my mind when I lost some brain parts. On second thought maybe I should dress the part, then others might understand.
I found this, months after I wrote this: