04 February, 2011

I Don't See ME


I will tell you something... for the past several years, I rarely look in the mirror, and I am not one to check myself out. It is because when I look into the mirror I don't see me, I see more of the body I inhabit, as strangely as it sounds. This gets me in weird circumstances with food or sun cream on my face, but that is more about my numbness caused by the accident...I can't feel it there, and since I don't check much ....there you have it. I do look people in their eyes, and make a point to connect, but I rarely look into my own eyes. When I "look at myself" it is much deeper than the surface, and in sort of emptiness that never includes me popping around. I spent the better part of my youth worrying about how I look, so I can keep it together almost as second nature, yet it is far less important. Most of the reasons I still do anything at all is not to look like I lost my mind when I lost some brain parts. On second thought maybe I should dress the part, then others might understand.
I found this, months after I wrote this:

3 comments:

G said...

Great post!

In truth, I've never seen me. Not all of me, anyway. I've seen my legs, arms, torso and a few other bits and pieces, but I've never seen my living, fleshly face, just reflections and photographs of it. It's impossible for me to see my face. When I look at another person, I see a face, but, when I look here, I see nothing filled with whatever is in front of me.

This void that's where others see my face is an awake emptiness, that nevertheless, is full of the world. Moreover, even the thoughts, feelings, and memories that arise here occur in this emptiness, including the sense of being a separate self. On investigation, however, these various mind objects do not constitute a self, merely the disparate processes that produce the false sense of self. So, "I don't see me" is ultimately true here, too!

Was Once said...

Gary,
I was thinking about that fact, too...that ocean of awareness, that at times seems black(but not in a dark way), the core of "me" is just filled with feelings and thoughts. Taking it further, in observation, that the only trouble I really have is when the ego tries to make a dam or channel those thoughts and feelings some other way....unnaturally.
On rare occasion, sadly( working on it), I can be the pure expression of compassion. When this happens, I get to see what comes up to disturb it.

oneditorial said...

As you get older, you will become more philosophical about many things, including your appearance. In some ways, it might just be a sign of accepting the reality of your age. People keep changing all the time. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you will see the old you, but from a slightly different angle.

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