New Time to Learn… Again

With my first bone break of my life, my ankle, I was able to use the new pain and discomfort to learn from. Within a few days after traveling home with it, I was already able to meditate with it propped up. Of course, mind moved to find the pain while scanning the body, but also I could forget it a few times. Since, I sit to meditate on the floor instead of a chair, sometimes the body weight would push too much on the leg, and I had to extend the one leg to continue. I noticed that evenings in bed when the mind is much more aware of the injured part which is typical, but when I would sit and eventually scan, it was busy enough for the pain not to be the sole focus. It was learning from where we put our attention, is what is important.



Along with all this my partner, used the wisdom he had from his poor village as to how they would take care of injuries like this. Which is ice for the first two days, but also introducing hot rags, or put in a bucket of warm water twice a day for day 3 onward. Sure warm water on a huge swollen ankle may seem contrary to western medicine, but it makes the blood flow to the injured part and made it heal faster and provided less pain after it’s out of the water.

I have a few things going for me when healing, I eat well, not overweight and don’t drink alcohol. In general, with the exception of my strokes I don’t have further health complications. Plus, this is where meditation can provide reality when you have pain and discomfort, by seeing it exactly as it is. Complications came into being, when too many people threw caution my way, making me question what I actually was seeing and feeling, which was a real gradual healing progression. When I heeded their warning and saw an Ortho Dr, about my ankle. He walked into the room looking at a two-week-old injury, and said the color is great. He then proceeds to move my foot and note that there is no abnormal movement in the ankle. And again, I should have only listened only those that touched my ankle, rather then listen to those that just conjectured.

The 4th 30-day Vipassana – Wisdom Creeps In

Hardly a mature Vipassana student with my brain injury making concentration difficult for me, I can at least say they are some positive changes that I notice with wisdom more firmly seated. It is important for me to say this wisdom is NOT intellectual knowledge, but experiential and once seated impermanence of everything is apparent.

I am usually out walking a lot after meals or after mind storms, and even using the pagoda stairs as my stair-master, but on day 2, I decided this is all too agitating, if I want to maintain as much concentration as I can. Instead, I would either clean up the men’s dorms, rest or even sit an hour earlier than scheduled full from lunch until I needed rest, 1 ½ hours later. The wisdom signs I noted, were doubts arising and falling way faster, impermanence, Ah ha. I also attributed partly to the fact that if I quit and leave what path will I attempt next? This made it seem like a foolish idea if I reflect how far I have come, since I have already seen personality changes, and a better easier home-life. Other signs were when the mind-storms arise and have some steam, I was able to name them as craving or aversion and thus quietly let the steam out and they would fade out way faster. It did not mean, the mind-storms would necessary not have any kick, but they definitely would end way faster then previous years. I also noted that when I could not resolve them in a sit or a short walk to the bathroom and instead finally lay down, if I did fall asleep I would download one craving or aversion sankara(mental defilement) and then quickly awaken refreshed. That was new for sure and it became more and more obvious what was happening.

The few things that I should do to improve my concentration especially in anapana would be to wear a hoodie, to keep my wandering eyes down(eyes and ears are enhanced since I lost my speech the first few years with my brain injury as a compensation). It may be interesting for you readers that any loss with an injury, the body tries to compensate. Losing my left side and facial sensory nerves, and thus its proprioception lead my eyes to take care of it, instead of it happening in my brain. So this means that in order to walk and not have my left leg or arm hit anything, the eyes determined their location in space. This does not play very well when you are trying keep the mind concentrated watching the breath which in turn allows you to pin-point body sensations while you scan in a sit. I have yet to meet anyone with a simple stroke who I can compare my bi-lateral experience with. Things like focusing on the area below the nose and above the upper lip in anapana when you lost all your facial sensory nerves is very challenging, and yet on day 26 I finally felt “ants crawling” there. This can lead to losing concentration way easier than normal people. I tried writing the AT(teacher) about this, but after awhile even that seemed foolish because what could he do but send metta(loving kindness) my way same as person in the outside world. Impermanence was no longer just a concept, but actual observed reality in many forms. Another thing is being as inconspicuous as one can be, to not disturb others concentration. Awareness takes many forms. Seeing my post sit notes this time over previous 30-day sits, and building on this newly found wisdom. Combined with observed pain and pleasant sensations moving around, with even more concentration than last time. This actually reinforced my devotion and appreciation for the wisdom of Buddha. Thank you again all my dhamma brothers, some of which sat every year with me.

Sri Lanka Revisited for Plan B

Dana Service cleaning Mihintale

We went to Sri Lanka for a month with everything up in the air about my husband’s green card. One, to visit an old favorite of the two of us, and two to explore options in case our case never was granted in our favor. It gave us time to put it away, and have fun because we had not left the country since he arrived for our marriage. With his extension stamped inside his passport we were off, and got to go up north to Jaffna and circle back along the east coast, two new places within the island we never got to. Trincomalee, was where we first encountered all the trash burning which included plastic bottles right in front of our guest-house. Something I had never been totally aware of any other visit, and ended up playing a key minus when we looked at condos in Kandy(which also had smoky air from the same problem). I knew from recent news before going that a dump near Negombo had collapsed killing several people, but never had encountered the increase in tourists brought so much trash…Everywhere. 

We began to feel responsible by the time we saw more of the same in Mirissa, which was totally developed, compared to the quiet of our visit in 2004. Never-the-less we visited important Buddhist sites to make offerings and to inspire us both. I had big plans to meditate at sites, having signed up for another 30-day Vipassana Meditation November 2017 for April 2018 when I returned. But I never got to, just alone in guest house or hotel each day. We did enjoy the people, even witnessing a Sri Lankan wedding and meeting indigenous Sri Lankans, the veddas.

By the time we left after our month taking off for the Maldives for a quick taste of a local island, we both decided this was our last time sadly for Sri Lanka. On our last week we got the good news from our lawyer that our case ruled in our favor, after a 5 year grueling test our of 17 year relationship ending for now our Plan B pursuits.

A Perfect Example of Not Peace

I wanted peace, and now home with a normal cold I can reflect on the fact I have a little bit. Peace was not something to own, it was something to be in. We are having to run hoops to gather more evidence for our marriage proof for I.N.S. again, it just makes me want to have a plan B. What happens, will happen. What we do know is that we have love and no one will separate us again like it was in the past. This is very comforting to know, that these difficulties do not define or restrict our love. I will continue meditating two hours a day to observe any hurt or pain I still carry around, that may be the cause of some crazy dreams I have occasionally. This is where the morning meditation helps one to go from sleep right into meditation rather straight into any daily activities that automatically puts the sub-conscious on the back burner driving it further away from any insight. Certainly, after a few years of two hours per day meditation, I am far from being fully realized and feel more like I gathered up a few more seconds back in my reaction time. Time that can be perceived as owning my future, where I don’t see it as a problem instead yet another way to push the “I” aside…and to fully relax. Undoing conditioning from a young age is challenging when it is so tightly woven in who you are. 

A perfect example of this, is noticing rain water was running down the wall of my house, and going under a basement door. It was not a matter of house leaning more(as first thought of), I noticed it today while home with this cold, but a plugged roof drain. Of course, I had to try to fix this in the rain, knowing that any pile up of water on the roof or running into the house would soon end up being expensive. My partner just looked at me crazy, as I got the ladder up to go assess the problem. It was a tennis ball from the kids across at school probably lobbed up. A simple fix, with immediate results, not like meditation. Old conditioning made me jump up and fix it, growing up short of funds, which is can be resourceful...but can appear to others as crazy. While I was being handy, my partner made lunch in the dry indoors saying, “Credit you!” A joke that we share, to humor me. 

I know this will a long path to access peace, sitting when you are exhausted or sick, but it gradually leaves you lighter and happier. Please don’t give up, listen to a guided meditation when the mind is jumping, or when it is pacing - just watch your breath. Then one day, when you sit in silence in the dark it will be a seem-less existence. That peace was there always... just waiting for you to notice.

Shrine On(with update)

Walking through Bangkok's Chinatown one morning, I came upon a trash pile, and in it was an old Spirit house from some shophouses being remodeled nearby. Usually they take to the country near a tree to dispose of. Obviously whoever put it in the trash was not related to the family who last owned it. I photographed it, and started to walk away, and came back thinking to myself this is an old one and has some charm. Perhaps, I can sell it.  Walking to a nearby store to quickly buy a bamboo brush to clean it up, came back and pulled it aside for the trash heap so I could brush it down. Just in time because the trash truck drove up, and the two men saw me cleaning it off and gave me thumbs up, and one even said it is about 100 years old. I was beginning to feel lucky, the closer I looked at it. Surely at home this would sell for a lot, but here no one would buy it. When done with cleaning it up, I walked it down a street to get a taxi home. The driver even said it is good find. I got it home, took into the shower area and wiped it down fully. I brought it into the room and set it in a corner. 

Later my partner came home from work, and upon seeing it, he bugged out, and said it can't stay here in the room. His upbringing dictated that the old spirits of the family would come here into our room. And ghosts are about the only thing he is scared of, that and angry people. Of course, my first internal reaction from my gut was don't push me into believing what you believe. It is a nice piece and I want to sell it. But he was throwing a fit like I have never seen, being as far away from it as possible. I told him to go out for a run, and I will figure something out. It was becoming a new test for me. I asked the manager of our apartment to allow me to store in their storage place, and when he came home from his run it was gone. They were used to me, and honor the fact I do Vipassana 10-days north of the apartment and were more than happy to store it.  My partner never asked about it, but he was relieved. I put in online to sell, and see what came out of it, but I was beginning to think of it as a test. What is more important how I see the world or adapting to each ever-changing event? I was putting everything on the line over this, if I were as stubborn as he was about it. What if the spirits came and affected our relationship? What would be the worse outcome? Was I putting things over people, and if so, it would inevitably come back to bite me hard. My partner is not about money, and has made this clear numerous times. If I am putting money ahead of his feelings, I am really screwing up.  I left it to sit in storage a bit longer. He never asked where it went.

It never sold, and today was the day to free the spirits out of their temporary room to outside near a tree. Where they move about with ease, and perhaps climb the tree. I carried it out on this beautiful sunny day and found a nice spot for it. Where it can rest undisturbed. Then walking to buy joss stick, candles, and flower garlands for it. I found the two elephants buried nearby and pulled them out to guard it. I lighted the incense and said my apologies to the spirits. I showed him where it was placed off the alley. I saw relief in his eyes. I am very lucky to have someone to care enough about to let the whole thing go, because it was so disrupting to the way he was taught and thus his being. It scared the crap out of him, and I did not make fun at the time, give me some credit. How silly can I be to think that I know better, when I could have asked him what do with it, when he first saw it? Still learning that the things we think we feel lucky to find, are often not the obvious thing we already have in our hand. Yep, thinking happiness lies outside of us ...bit me, again.


Now, it 5 years later and my husband is with me at home...ghosts are idea put in his head by elders in his village.  He exclaims, “There are No Gods and No Ghosts!” with the firm knowledge that he has now as he discovered more truth living outside of his culture. I am proud that he came to this on his own, since he jumped in totally learning English(back to square one in an English speaking country) and the freedom of knowledge he experiences here. One day, he will apologize for putting through hell with my shrine find. But I won't ask for it, and just smile with his new knowledge he arrived at without my help... via news, reading,  school and listening determinedly to podcasts to learn different English dialects. In 3 years with his hard work, he has made incredible progress and it delights his teachers. I just enjoy his unbroken discussions as it flows now almost effortlessly.

Benefits of Sitting Daily

As I continue to sit daily for two hours, I wanted to share some of the benefits I see (and feel). The first thing is that with most conflicts, I am much more apt to just let go, and instead of making a point of being right, I will stop even in mid-anger or dissatisfaction and leave it all alone. Everything has its half-life, and will auto-resolve naturally in a way to please most participants as long as none hold on to what they want(usually held tight in mind).  Perhaps things won’t happen in time frame originally thought, but the outcome for all those involved will have less stress and more freedom.

I also noted that when I most serious about anything, later, it will relax fast when I see it clearly in one of my sits either morning or evening. This seriousness I notice in myself is when I am too invested in the personality… with all its stories. Postponing any idea of happiness in the present. So, I will introduce this freedom/happiness I am looking for, without any seriousness or conditions. One good reason to make this change is the wisdom that we never know when we will leave this life, and the foolishness of not enjoying every moment.

There are quite a few things that are less concrete to write about, but the people around me enjoy the freedom that I think I am allowing me. Many years ago I marveled at people who were like this, as if they had a privileged life. Certainly, others can’t relate to my brain injury's life complications, but being serious about things in life will never enlighten them, it will only burden them creating a sort of “Pig-Pen” cloud around me. Lift the cloud!

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Survival not a Negation

Recently my Mom expressed some displeasure over the fact I don’t celebrate Christmas. I do give gifts for the family, but pretty much have abandoned all the rest of the trappings. This came about first by childhood traumas around the holiday and a two years preceding that, back then, when I got a total kick in teeth rejection from a new Christian youth group I had joined when I told one guy that I was gay. This all formulated a survival instinct by dissing all religions as exclusionary and hateful, so not a negation of my mother or her life. She held the power of love even when things made no sense, and left this to me.  It wasn’t like religion was forced on us, but some circumstances in my life besides that of being gay I had to toughen up to get past them and survive.  Not a wholly unique experience, but it was of course tailor made for my awakening and settling down to meditation and the Buddha’s teachings leading to more compassion. Learning to have compassion for myself, first and then develop it for others. Surviving was at times excruciating painful, producing tons of doubts and sarcasm about life.

Meditating later in life became a way of dissolving many of my delusions. The icing on the cake for surviving (written especially for younger gays) was meeting my husband who has further taught me naturally Buddha’s teachings with his own experience along the way. He also has remarked that few people when they are older… change, but that I have, of course with his love and inspiration. Combined with some powerful intention built out of suffering the outcomes of my former self. Use your mistakes to further your growth on the path, for they are so designed to allow you to fail and find the need to change. Fall down, get up, dust yourself off...and proceed.

Whatever Comes...Goes

A month ago, I wrote a long piece outlining my path as a gay man in hopes it would inspire others on the path. I realized after writing nearly three quarters of my life’s story that it was unique enough, not to inspire but to look more like a car wreck of twisted metal as one speeds down the freeway. So, in a way, the reader would not be able to see how the odds and ends added up to a need for wisdom in life by dragging them through my mud.
Most of the wisdom I have acquired is simply done when I transcend the mind full of worries, pre-conceived ideas, and a lot of anger. In my case, the daily sitting of two hours a day helps to see the anger and sadness built up that would normally surface at odd times usually unrelated to the actual circumstances. Transcending in the sense that you see what your mind is doing instead of reacting to things as they happen. Two hours per day, one hour at 5am and another around 7pm may seem like a lot, but one needs less sleep when you deal with things in the present moment.

The morning is hard one, to rise out of sleep, but it allows one to unload dream traumas, and thus makes the hour afterward when you crawl back in bed... very sound and void of worries. The evening sit disassembles the day’s toils and misunderstandings, which can happen for me with others, since I have a speech disability. The payoffs are not immediate, unless you have subtle recognition, but can be more pronounced after a year. I want to encourage the reader to sit even if it is only if for 10 minutes a day, and feel free to find someone who resonates wisdom for you.

A Little Preview

One of the requirements for a 30-day Vipassana, is to do one more 10-day after you do a 20-day. In a sign that this seems to be going in right direction was the fact that it was in a way far more “productive” in quickly finding sankaras …even as soon a Day 1. In a way, more deeper work was done at the 20-day than I previously thought which ending up being a good preview of the wisdom that comes out of Vipassana sits. And it flew by and I was home again, and signed for a 30-day in a way that was done, not really by me, but out of the wisdom that resides inside of being. That 10-day pulled up deeper sankaras, so when I was home again, I was shaken not stirred and exhibited some more agitation. Born out of training the mind, agitation comes out, because your old foundation of being and the m.o.a. of the old self is exposed. So, the 20-day is a test if this is right path for you. For me, it was.

The Great Undoing

One of the most significant outcomes of pursing a long retreat meditation path for me has been the gradual undoing of each firmly held idea I had of who or what I thought I was. I started slow, in a temple setting that provided 20 minutes before a teaching, and after a couple years did a 4 day with the same temple gang. Although there was a lot of teaching, and talking and in a casual setting, it pushed me to go further. Now, I am on for a 30 day Vipassana in April this year, after a five year foundation of 10-day Vipassanas. Here is a 6 minute film of the pagoda with cells. So with this practice, I quietly did my own ego busting, at first unknowingly. I had no indention to achieve awakening, but it had been shown to me by a monk's embodied presence, who ordained me in 2009. That there is some kind of internal wisdom one has, knowing that you can't return to the old way of existing, seeking distractions that draws your being to go sit again. The first spark was my brain injury, but it can be any life occurrence that shakes your foundation just enough to look closer.

It was slow, unraveling the stories I had of myself based on life circumstances alternating that with feeling compassion for family and wanting to fix them at first. It was a way of avoiding of really looking at myself. Of course with these ideas came tears in these sits while I was undoing my ideas and any wishes. Seeing anger arise in body sensations and finding its roots. Finally, losing the concept of control of what I thought I had, besides how you react. I can’t change anything outside of myself. 

This did leave me very raw when I returned. My heart was wide open after I grieved the past ideas and experiences, unable to seal it all back in. Who was I? …a man of purely of delusions carrying a heavy load of anger?  Just a few years ago, I had no hope that I would be living with my partner of 15 years, separated by an ocean, although his presence in my life was crucial for desiring some change, some more maturation. I also had it firmly planted in my mind that the most I wanted from life is not to die as a miserable old man wearing a mask of all the disappointments and none of the beauty. As I have stated before enlightenment for me, is the action of letting go…becoming lighter. Letting go that can only happen when you sit alone in a cell in darkness. It is kind of like having your hand in front of your face like a mirror, bouncing back all your bullshit. Looking ugly, you then slowly detach yourself from it in some ways. There is really only you….undoing hopefully arriving back to the place where we began. When I look in a mirror in the morning while shaving, now all I see is the mirror...not me.

When Fruits become Ripe

In a matter of time, all depending on how much you let go and your individual karma, begins to see fruit of your practice. I just sat another 10-day Vipassana, to qualify for my 30-day coming up. This one makes 8 of the 10-days, 3 of the Satipatthana courses, a 20-day with service work as well in the past 5 years. In this sit it quickly dove deeper to uncover more ancient mental formations, kind of deeper than the last 20-day I sat. I see why this is a requirement before a 30-day, one learns to download faster like it did or me on day 1. Appearing abstractly in dreams at night, but also bearing fruit when you are able to have enough equanimity in your sits. Unfolding naturally, especially when I stopped trying to run away in mind, or moving away in discomfort. I am not perfect, so the best I can be is more aware. I also made a firm intention not to plan to walk as much or do yoga to plan some mental icing on the cake for sitting for this 10-day at this time. I am beginning to know my mental tricks to run away from was right happening right now. This provided to allow me much more joy in dreams at night even abstractly based on fears and delusions. One dream, in particular, was my partner joking about my reactions to 4 windows broken out in my imaginary loft in a way in which he coaches me in real life. I laughed in the dream at how he is unaffected by my moods and quickly recovered to a more rational mind space.  I am well aware of how lucky I am in life to be with him. Also one day in my cell meditating, and obviously not occupying my body at this time we had an earthquake, and at first not knowing what it was that “threw” me back into my body, I was kind of disoriented until the aftershock occurred shortly afterward. Then I was thinking should I stay in my cell or not?... being back in the mind of fear, our normal state of me.

Now, this 10-day vipassana was also the clearest one, where I was there still the same person that I am at home. I was not running away, but running to who I am, and the knowledge that my wisdom gained from life and past sits guided me to uncover more or need to.  The residuals show me that me a little more has been retained when back home, but still being a work in progress with bi-lateral strokes and aphasia that makes normal take on a new meaning. Perhaps, I am now finally dropping the idea that anyone else can really know what is like to live in another’s body?

Do You Believe in Your Own Suffering?

Then sit with it. Looking forward to my first 20-day Vipassana, because I am now a bit more familiar with my mind. For those not familiar with Geonka's Vipassana's they are about 10 hour sitting meditation per day, with no phones, no internet and no contact (besides teachers). One is on your own pretty much, self disciplined for the most part by the time you can qualify for a 20-day. I like my location for it's remoteness and they have a pagoda with individual cells to get deeper faster when there is no body but you inside.



How sadness and anger come and go naturally, and how the body reacts when all other distractions are not available. I will be curious during the latter half, when I totally give up on the planning mind and just be and watch. I know by now, my body usually disappears, especially sitting in a pagoda cell, and I am left with mental awareness. This all happens, as concentration gets stronger. I can spin on whether “I” exist at this moment, and with no contact, whether there was ever a “Was Once.” I do know once I pass from this life in this body, besides the first year of family and partner exhibiting some grief and sadness, it won’t really matter …which will play into the ego’s fear of non-existence. Curious, if that was ever important.

I know a couple of servers who will be there, and they told me that anger usually rears its ugly head with men who sit their first 20 days, and they jokingly said they will move my shoes, or mess with my meals just to see how it will play out. I have learned a lot about myself serving, in fact far faster than sitting a 10 day course, so this all will hopefully give my partner more to marvel at as I dump even more anger. He is has been kind to mention unprompted that he has seen a huge change from when he first met me 14 years ago, which is contrary to most people as they age. Knowing I need more maturation, I have working towards this sit and not to hand a badge on my wall of more suffering. Something inside is driving me which is exciting.

Pick an Emotion!

There are many times that I found myself with anger arisen over a particular unwanted thing happening. I guess the body has some energy that needs to be released and it is often very unskillful. With a little bit of wisdom, I can see the anger, but I notice my ego will quickly find a new angle to access a different emotion all based on the original incident. Feeling like an unlocked backdoor, it is at first... enticing. At least now after seeing this happen again and again, my awareness is slowly stopping these forays into sideline emotions. I am now trying to ease the original displeasure with noting what is happening and with the awareness of breath and where it might take me... which is always away from peace. This might help— with a monkey mind you can flip between now and future outcome (i.e. often more trouble than the original complaint). I can usually access humor when I repeat to myself, Pick an emotion, and just run with it. Seeing it spinning out of control, trying to hold tight to your original emotion and how fast it can move quickly in the opposite direction of peace. At times, I have to beeline to the cushion, to just sit and observe... if at home. I certainly do not carry a cushion with the words embroidered on it, In Case of Anger, but at least this will give you all some idea of my intention.

I know intellectually why anger can be easily accessed for me, but outlining why would only put this further from your own experiences. It can be used with sadness and depression, if this is what you have frequent flier miles in. Those two often appear when one has anger towards yourself. Whatever emotion, just watch what you are doing, even if you can’t stop it immediately… the awareness of how much further you cast peace out of your range will be enlightening.    

Surrenderfully, Two Stories

When I heard the two words surrenderfully in yoga it made perfect sense and thought I have to use it as the one word it seemed to be. Later, it struck me when prompted by a friend to tell his friend my story why I am like I am, that her first reaction was pity. Then she evoked “God” to bless me which felt like her perception of where she sees herself and me. Then, I detected a felt sense that where the division blossomed was also where the mind closed. If I really sat down and talked to her, I feel that now with her sense of separation, she will never be able to gleam any of the wisdom that branched out of my near death and the sort of resurrection, I experienced. Do we have to follow our own path, tripping along the way, picking yourself up or not? Even though there is no new kind of suffering. It has all happened to someone or is happening right to someone on this great big planet. Perhaps, we don’t learn unless it is tailored individually to our own perception. That is a bit scary, because it signals our doom because we can’t see ourselves as the other and might seal our fate to see the human race(see war cries again in the press). Still it is my own perception, so I drop it and surrenderfully.

A new friend was going on about a new traumatic event that happened when her young neighbor, a single mom overdosed and died leaving her two young kids in limbo and loss. Sure, it was worthy of being upset, but if it weren’t this it would be something else with this friend. It was a pattern of thinking that develops when one feels no control over their own life, seeking outside events to obsess on to avoid your own suffering. I know it first hand too well. So, I used the respect she carried for my partner and I, to get her to sit down for the first time and meditate to a 20-minute guided meditation that I had on my phone. Timing is everything and her mind was so busy that even she wanted a break. We sat down in the gym(of all places) and listened to recording. I used metta(loving kindness) that she would maintain with her eyes closed and remain focused on the words. Which is no small feat for first time meditator, who is also a devout Christian.  I did not open my eyes to check until it was done, so not to throw any guilt feelings her way. When he recording ended, I quietly opened my eyes, noticed her relaxed look, still with eyes closed and waited patiently for her to come back to the room. She had to surrenderfully with the trust she had in me and how she had perceived me in the past. When she did the first thing she said, “This is all a dream!” She was so surprised at how easy it was to change her whole mood and intensity in 20 short minutes.

The Quiet Will Fix Me

Having just completed my 10^th Vipassana of 10 days, focusing on lifting any expectations and any residual deep-seated problems that could get in the way with my upcoming marriage to my partner. The issues that could come up are more based on my brain injury trauma, and my own unique way of dealing with life in the past, combined with it. Between my partner and I, there is little difficulty with our long history providing I don’t add my daily frustrations of dealing with this disability. We have clear intention not to hurt the other and a natural love that is mature after 13 years.

So, I found another person to join me on the ride there and back and we both were excited about sitting again, talking all the way there. Feeling that we both needed it for our own separate reasons... it all seemed natural. We flowed into the course and moving into silence and the first day I was given my meditation cell number as old student. So I know that it is best for me to work hard and sit in the hall during the mandatory sits and the rest of the time in the cell never returning to my room with the distractions of door closings and the tempting way naps spring up on you. Of course, by Day 2 morning sit, where I tried to make it to the cushion at 4:10 am, I had hit my first hurdle. “Why am I here torturing myself, again,” given that my last course was in October 2013. I worked through that one by the time breakfast bell rang and subsequent sits were moving into settling down into routine by fine-tuning the mind with anapana. 

Resistance is with us even when we have a taste of wisdom with our natural laziness of not wanting to accept any change. It is a scary realization that even doing something we intend to do, we want no doubts to ever show up because they were not invited. So doubts are always present at least for me because I don’t know about you. Onward to day 3 which began to show the knee pain slight bit amplified with the mind do it’s natural jumping around, but day 4 which is Vipassana day was probably the easiest one I have ever experienced, which is not really easy to sit for two hours as you move into body scanning. It is more the mental energy change that bring up your first insight into the deep stuff that is hidden in your subconscious. Day 5 brought me some craving when one is really settled into routine. I like the early wake-up and the walk to the pagoda with the big dipper laid out in my path. I had brought some yerbe matte tea to have and look at the stars just before I walk inside, hoping for the great shooting star I had seen my first 10 day sit there in 2554(2011). When a few of us saw it the same 4th day, and remarked later on the 10th day when we could talk. My craving brought up some sex and closeness I wanted, but my body sensation that day in the 2:30-3:30 sit in the hall showed a relaxation and painless natural flow. I almost felt cocky as my body cracked with ease during what I call the “pee” break.

Day 6 night dreams were interesting as I was knee deep in clear ocean with manta rays coming up from the sand around me, allowing me to grab on to one huge one as he leapt from the bottom out of the water up to the sky to save me from sharks coming near. But then we crashed through the windows in my bedroom at home landing on that bed. That was interesting and because it seemed to have happened just before waking to go for my 4 a.m. meditation.
I could write a lot more about how once you are settled into routine, that one perceives the sound of silence constantly, and even one often hears two pitches of the vibration of the universe. My craving would be shown when I would hear the gong sound not when it was sounded, because the body would want to hear it above the sound of silence. The gong would sound during breaks and meals, so it was hard not to crave it, it was beautiful and a “reward” making one feel much like Pavlov's dog.

But if you all know Vipassana, it all changes and it can be as fast as a heart beat, so then I became more aware of the man directly behind me in he hall who had a frequent habit of swallowing and clearing his throat in a voiced way. He became a constant reminder of what I have to work on, the inability to control others. With my brain injury, I do have an enhanced link to any one’s felt nervousness that my body automatically picks up. That is why I can’t get in line to order like in a coffee shop, because when it comes to speaking with people waiting behind me it makes me lose the balance of the mind leaving me speechless or full of errors. I usually let people pass me until there is a break. It is just one of the few frustrations I encounter every day with this injury. 

Just yesterday an older friend over coffee was trying to coach me how to speak. I showed her how tapping helps slow down my speech, affected by the inability to control air flow. She said that was clear! But I said it only works while tapping right hand in left, and it destroys all thought, so spontaneous speech is out, plus who has two hands free? And if that does not get some weird looks that actually distract from any point I am trying to get across especially in public. Which comes down to carrying a pad and pen all the time, which I don’t do because it makes any speech practice less and less, and any ability to improve with rewiring.This leads me into day 7 morning sit in my cell, almost bouncing off the walls in total frustration. This was when my heartbeat becomes too prominent a focus to scan or pierce and leads me to use it as a metronome. Moving to new spot with each beat.  It annoys me, and the teacher said to avoid the heart area and center of your body when that happens. I have to relax back in anapana while trying to quiet the mind down. My frustrations came out which is good and the reason I was there, but it was no fun. Subsequent sits were easier and with more wisdom, just with more body pain.

Meanwhile, the 7^th and 8^th day night dreams were of gasping for air relating to my anoxia in the hospital years ago, as it pulled up from my subconscious. I can imagine I have more with intubation to come. By day 8, I was having more parts of my body in flow showing me the vibration of atoms that we really are composed of. I was still making into my cell by 4:10 by waking at 3:45 for tea and a quick wash of my face with cold water. But then anger came out that morning, and seeing the need to fix others because I can’t possibly fix me. A insightful look at where my anger leads to, and again it was resolved by the time breakfast bell rang with tears of appreciation for my Mom and others. That was really a fast work through that would have taken several days in the past in Vipassana sits. Although one is never totally fixed as you delve deeper into the hidden treasures of the subconscious each time you do one of these. And in the hall sits my neighbor who sat behind me was amping up his noise and anxiousness with each sit, almost wanting me to discuss with the management, but I never did knowing it was more my sankhara than his. 

By the 10th day when we spoke I quickly had an understanding with the his tremendous creative energy recounting his dreams and aspirations. He was quick to voice his appreciation for my firm sits that inspired him, and I often got through times when it seemed unbearable to me, by knowing that I could inspire him, by being a good example. So that turned out to be another touch of wisdom in this long path. Another more weighty gentleman talking to me afterward giving me several suggestions like more physical activity to help speech without asking me first what I have done. Again a clue as to what inspires my frustration when other assume my injury is my own health negligence and not a hospital error that I have slowly made significant gains way beyond what anyone imagined. A neurologist friend I have said that I am the most severe he has seem walking around and has used me as an example when he taught medical students about the human potential to heal as one can never assume outlook. My encounter with that fellow sitter leads me to understanding where my need to fix others root is based.

I Know Who I Am, Because I Know I Am Not

I’m not a terribly optimistic person, I have a lot of major bad things happen to me. But that is not unique to me, many others have too, and this awareness was my first lightbulb moment to speed my healing. I am not a blameless clean slate either, but most all of it was not done to hurt others. So I have been lucky with a few long-term relationships and have a few close friends and family. I don’t seem to carry it around with me anymore in either a grumpy manner or too much negativity. I am instead more of a realist, with a smidgeon of compassion mixed with good intentions. I have overcome a lot, so one might be surprised that I am not a more a kind of whatever person. I see through people’s bullshit pretty easy, and despise being thought of as being stupid. This happens more often now with a speech disability than you could imagine. I wish I could laugh when people pull stuff like this, but to me it is never laughable because it is built on valuing the other less.

More often now, do some nice things for people or strangers as a kind of surprise when they least expect it. Someone might call it paying forward, and it is never done for others to feel indebted to me. I just remember that whenever someone surprises me with something unexpected, that I like the feeling of time stopped by it when the realization we are all one.

So when I sit down to meditate I am working the “me” apart from the ego and inching it towards just “I am.” Just being. This profound intimacy I have with the self, in meditation, only seems to provide with more relaxed feeling about who I am. This translates to less need to compare one to others, our paths are so unique that there is no way …I could be you. I know who I am, finally ...because I know who I am not.