Do You Believe in Your Own Suffering?

Then sit with it. Looking forward to my first 20-day Vipassana, because I am now a bit more familiar with my mind. For those not familiar with Geonka's Vipassana's they are about 10 hour sitting meditation per day, with no phones, no internet and no contact (besides teachers). One is on your own pretty much, self disciplined for the most part by the time you can qualify for a 20-day. I like my location for it's remoteness and they have a pagoda with individual cells to get deeper faster when there is no body but you inside.



How sadness and anger come and go naturally, and how the body reacts when all other distractions are not available. I will be curious during the latter half, when I totally give up on the planning mind and just be and watch. I know by now, my body usually disappears, especially sitting in a pagoda cell, and I am left with mental awareness. This all happens, as concentration gets stronger. I can spin on whether “I” exist at this moment, and with no contact, whether there was ever a “Was Once.” I do know once I pass from this life in this body, besides the first year of family and partner exhibiting some grief and sadness, it won’t really matter …which will play into the ego’s fear of non-existence. Curious, if that was ever important.

I know a couple of servers who will be there, and they told me that anger usually rears its ugly head with men who sit their first 20 days, and they jokingly said they will move my shoes, or mess with my meals just to see how it will play out. I have learned a lot about myself serving, in fact far faster than sitting a 10 day course, so this all will hopefully give my partner more to marvel at as I dump even more anger. He is has been kind to mention unprompted that he has seen a huge change from when he first met me 14 years ago, which is contrary to most people as they age. Knowing I need more maturation, I have working towards this sit and not to hand a badge on my wall of more suffering. Something inside is driving me which is exciting.

Surrenderfully, Two Stories

When I heard the two words surrenderfully in yoga it made perfect sense and thought I have to use it as the one word it seemed to be. Later, it struck me when prompted by a friend to tell his friend my story why I am like I am, that her first reaction was pity. Then she evoked “God” to bless me which felt like her perception of where she sees herself and me. Then, I detected a felt sense that where the division blossomed was also where the mind closed. If I really sat down and talked to her, I feel that now with her sense of separation, she will never be able to gleam any of the wisdom that branched out of my near death and the sort of resurrection, I experienced. Do we have to follow our own path, tripping along the way, picking yourself up or not? Even though there is no new kind of suffering. It has all happened to someone or is happening right to someone on this great big planet. Perhaps, we don’t learn unless it is tailored individually to our own perception. That is a bit scary, because it signals our doom because we can’t see ourselves as the other and might seal our fate to see the human race(see war cries again in the press). Still it is my own perception, so I drop it and surrenderfully.

A new friend was going on about a new traumatic event that happened when her young neighbor, a single mom overdosed and died leaving her two young kids in limbo and loss. Sure, it was worthy of being upset, but if it weren’t this it would be something else with this friend. It was a pattern of thinking that develops when one feels no control over their own life, seeking outside events to obsess on to avoid your own suffering. I know it first hand too well. So, I used the respect she carried for my partner and I, to get her to sit down for the first time and meditate to a 20-minute guided meditation that I had on my phone. Timing is everything and her mind was so busy that even she wanted a break. We sat down in the gym(of all places) and listened to recording. I used metta(loving kindness) that she would maintain with her eyes closed and remain focused on the words. Which is no small feat for first time meditator, who is also a devout Christian.  I did not open my eyes to check until it was done, so not to throw any guilt feelings her way. When he recording ended, I quietly opened my eyes, noticed her relaxed look, still with eyes closed and waited patiently for her to come back to the room. She had to surrenderfully with the trust she had in me and how she had perceived me in the past. When she did the first thing she said, “This is all a dream!” She was so surprised at how easy it was to change her whole mood and intensity in 20 short minutes.

Contemplate Your Suffering

On the day, we married …upon coming home, we got some beautiful orchid leis from one of my close friends that arrived too late to take with us to wear in the wedding. So, I said we need to give them to my neighbor’s young girls, and we trotted over to give the leis to them. We ended up talking for a while, and also to the neighbor next door to them. Who I later find out at that time that they had just found out that their foreign partner of their roommate, who I know, died quite accidently in the hospital. They did not want to spoil our day by telling us. This other neighbor had a nice life planned out with their partner, and all was going quite well, with a business and plans worked on for over 10 years. A life that was unplanned for the tragedy that unfolded.

Lately, my sister during her honeymoon had her husband pass away, and although a very involved story in a developing country….it was never planned. I never thought that I would see that to realize that my suffering was suddenly inconsequential.

I have my partner who is well aware of and speaks often about how much I have changed his life in appreciation at unprompted times. So these latest two stories help to show me that my suffering is old hat. That even though my other siblings reflecting on what transpired in my life and my sister saying that they could have never have survived through similar things if they happened to them. But they forget that far worse has happened to others, and that we have all have this innate will to survive that takes over when things get extremely difficult. Few fall into really giving up, because we know what this means to us both mentally and physically. I really would like to skip the pity train, because it sounds like giving up. Often when I speak I have to get into details so people don’t think I am drunk or a new incident happening right before their eyes. I think that I quantify my existence by my suffering. I seemingly have more which can easily leave me unable to move on or to have compassion(in the way I should have normally) for others. I am aware that others suffer, and see that we often don’t even know unless they broadcast on the news. Suffering is not always news worthy, and can be so regular but points to things we can't control. And some of us can’t bear when it involves many people or a whole family. We shut off. But we enjoy a tragedy story with some silver lining, and I guess it’s the hope that the same thing happens when it befalls us. And that is where they take the idea and run with it for news and/or entertainment. This brings me back to why I am on this path, to look closely at suffering in it's minor forms, so that when it barrels in a grand expression ...I won't necessarily be ready, but will be familiar with what my brain does with it, and how my body reacts to it. Hopefully making suffering a inroad to wisdom, because you can't avoid it.

Reminders of Other's Suffering

Sitting in a full plane in a window seat, the gentleman near my age in the middle seat leaned over just after I sat down and said, “Do you live in San Francisco?” I said yes and he told me that all his money and documents were stolen in Hawaii, and he is flying back to go to the German consulate to get passport and a ticket home. So, I asked the guy at aisle seat, since he had an Iphone, to please look up the address to it in the city. That guy later bought him a beer since he had no credit card, but then went back to his movie on his computer with earplugs.

I drew out on paper how to get there in detail once I knew the address. I could sense his anxiety and the need to talk to me. He wasn't overly talkative, and respectful. And over the course of the almost two hour flight he told me bits and pieces of how he arrived at this difficult time in life. I said to him I would show him where to go, and get a better map when we arrived, since I am not a rush to get home. I said it is a waste of money to stay in a hotel, since you are short of cash, just shower here at the airport and grab the BART to the city in the morning when they open.

He proceeded to tell me he got divorced from his wife about two years ago, and she got the house, sparing him the half million mortgage debt. Which I pointed out was one good thing to rest your brain on. But this left him with no home, and lost his job as a horticulturist with the market downturn. He told me he even has a PHD, which I could tell amazed him he ended up in this position. He got unemployment, and it ran out this year, and housing and food being so expensive in Kauai he ended up at friend’s houses, and then the street where he his money and passport were stolen. He said, “This all I have after 10 years in Kauai pointing to a bag under the seat.” I shared my story with him, my losses, etc and it seemed to help.

When we arrived at the airport we walked together so I could show him where to go, and while he went outside to smoke, I went downstairs to get an airport and city map. I found him again and we sat down at a table while he had a beer, and went over the directions and how to get to the embassy and get a ticket home to see his sister and get back on his feet. We talked for over an hour, and he asked me, "How long did it take to get back after your losses?" Choosing not to tell him that I really haven't, because that would make him feel less anxious. I told him instead what I think is positive... that it took me to explore new methods of thinking about me, life and lead me to Buddhism. I said most of the hard part is in your mind, how you perceive your trouble and that is where you should start. He expressed his fear he did not want to end up dead so soon, so he was consciously not taking any drugs or drinking too much, so he was willing to go back and start fresh. He pointed out that he tried anti-depressants and did not finish his first fill and was happy he could spend time with his sister he had not seen in ten years. I said that is where you start, what you like that you have done so far ...what is good in your life and expressed the importance of letting go of the past, what is done is done, and work with going forward now. I gave him a piece of smoked salmon I was bringing home and he lit up. He had one more beer, while we continued talking and he told me that after this one he just go lay down in the airport and sleep. When he finished he walked with me outside, and I said thanks first. He said, “No, I should say thanks for all the help, and if I have any trouble tomorrow I will call me you." I could tell he was somewhat more relaxed than when I first met him. Like I told him earlier, nobody is immune to suffering, and seeing him was my reminder, hence why I said Thanks.

The Choice of Suffering

“need new blades”

I post in advance when I go to see the monks once a month for lunar observance, in hopes of finding someone interested enough to come. I have asked many friends, and acquaintances at yoga as well. They say the third time is a charm, and I was contacted by man living a spiritual life(similar to a monk) out of his own choosing. I won’t go into details as to why he chose this path, but it involves some difficult suffering. We talked about the fact that the idea of the suffering is much more difficult than the actual occurrence. It made for an interesting ride there and back, and to watch someone else’s change upon leaving. We both came to the understanding it is not necessary to become a monk for our individual spiritual goals. I added that if I did it would be because my wisdom would naturally dictate I should do it to serve others better. When we arrived early, I wanted to rest, as it is a lot for a brain-injured person to drive 3 hours and talk in a car. But I tried to rest until I heard the gong sound of time to talk to the monks before the evening meditation. I asked in my stilted tongue of the head monk, “Is suffering was the quick path to wisdom?” in a joking manner. The idea came out in our discussions on the way up there. In his answer he pointed out that suffering is not the path, it leads us away from it. Talking about the arrow sutta, where if you were shot with an arrow(physical pain or getting sick, for instance), then the second arrow would be the mental suffering. You can choose to feel only one arrow, the physical pain. If we enjoy the self-created mental turmoil then, we chose to suffer the second arrow. This was one quick way to remind myself how I think about any kind of suffering. After that causal talk then we started the chanting and the evening meditation. Two hours later we were lucky enough to hear the Buddhist nun's individual stories before continuing on until 3:30 am. They are opening a new monastery in San Francisco, which will soon be up and running by the New Year. Curious, I got a chance to talk to one particular nun about her ideas of a sangha for their new monastery. I was, of course tired at 4am, but felt really mentally awake and calm. And whether my company talked to me or slept... I was content.

Gold Buddha's New Home and Tara Appears

I was talking to my sister about being here, living in my brain most of the time, because most have no idea of the extent of my brain injury. It makes me physically tired to deal with others, especially when trying to communicate. I know that my sufferings are minor compared to what others deal with on a day to day, just trying to find money to eat for example. Perhaps this negates my suffering, because it only dwells within the confines of my mind.This alone is one good reason to pursue Buddhist Dharma, to get of the self-concern I sometimes have.



On a brighter note, I went to view the progress on Wat Traimut’s new temple to give the proper glory to the solid gold 5.5 ton Buddha. It is marvelous, and almost done and it looks they are shooting for dedication on the King’s birthday they missed last year. I was hoping to find a CD of the moving of the Buddha to the new location by crane. It was a crane accident many years ago that exposed the plaster to view gold underneath. I can’t really express how impressive it is and I have not even walked up the steps. I can easily understand the delays in finishing, and I could see in some workers eyes their honor in working on this while laying marble stone at the base .





















Later much to my amusement I ran into a Chinese Mahayana Avalokiteshvara temple, she is known in Tibet as Tara and in China as Guan Yin. I was involved in a Tara empowerment before I left home and she found me here. I missed this in previous trips here, so maybe she is seeking me to remind me that my suffering is meaningless and have more compassion for others.





I was given impromptu, a Guan Yin cast statue by friends of my aunt and uncle last year as well. While I am posting this I was listening to "Drala, Child of Illusion," and for the first time I realized that they chant in the song, Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha. I replayed it to make sure, because this is too weird. So, I guess she working hard to find me.

Suffering of Others

While at a volunteer luncheon with many people who put far more hours than I do, I was listening to the hospital CEO awarding them. One fellow was his friend and a volunteer for 20 years. I don’t see him in the course of my volunteering, but began to wonder how these two came to be friends. The CEO/Dr is miles away from the volunteer in pay and stature. I also was wondering why his name was the same as the hospital name where my mom had to hire a private nurse to just to make sure I wasn’t inexplicably expired. That brought back a new set of memories. Never the less, when upon completion of the luncheon I ran into the volunteer pro in the washroom. Observing that he had some deficits, my heart suddenly went out to him. I said, Hi and asked him if the CEO was related to the other hospital. He told me they have no connection. In talking it became quickly obvious he is suffering from something, but I don’t sound all that great either. A simple bond. He told me he has early alzheimer's, while walking out. I thanked him for his service in a real show of heart felt appreciation. Spontaneously, I felt compelled to give him a hug, knowing every day must be difficult and trying. And, I felt lucky again, my concerns waned.

Difficulty is mostly a mental experience. If you enjoy what you are doing, even with serious physical ailments subside with the degree of happiness. It falls true with my speech, if I am rested and enjoy the dialogue my speech or helping others it is so much clearer. I look physically well and fit, but once I speak people often assume I am drunk or deaf. So, I have to get past their preconceptions just to order a coffee. It can be frustrating and often friends who are with me cannot believe that I say the right word, but some people can’t figure me out and my friends will blurt out, He said, so and so. This has been a great way to learn patience and acceptance of others, for me. I often laugh at myself, or practice several times before speaking out loud. But basically, we(me included) all say too much as a general rule, so we can’t expect to be great listeners. If you really listen you’ll realize the suffering of others… even in its minor forms of simple discomfort.

In Reflection: Tossing Out Mental Unease

I’m on my 7th month of meditating a minimum of 30 minutes per day, and yesterday did 45 minutes at the gym before yoga. I have been meditating for years, but not as regularly as this in my life. I have moved way past being annoyed by people talking, banging weights, jump roping, etc near me. At first I would hone in on the disturbance, but months into this practice I realized that whatever happened, even mundane gossip near me was not worth my mind going there…it was all empty. I can easily get relaxed after quickly “downloading” any currents fears and worries. And after six months have been able to on many occasions getting to a place where my mind seems like a blank, black canvas seeing the space between thoughts or no thought. It has actually helped me in yoga, to synchronize my breathing in yoga, holding poses with a more relaxed breath. It also can laugh at myself more, and while sitting in front near a mirror laughed at this old guy(me) doing these poses. My mediation practice brought me closer to the others in the room, and allowed me to more connections and friends. I’m more consciously aware of others suffering, even being minor frustrations. In listening to their breathing, or sharing some common bonds with them.

After class, a fellow classmate and I bumped into each other in the locker-room, I joking made it more pronounced, and he turned around and gave me a hug. It was not at all sexual in nature, but much more just a friendly way of saying, You’re OK, and I don’t feel threatened by you. We have talked over the last three years, so we friendly in the gym and share a few friends in class. I do hope that as time goes on, and my practice gets deeper that I connect more with people in such a way. I have had more people come to me, or warm up to me since I have been meditating. A sign that I have reduced my self-concern, and worked out some of my mental unease kinks that would normally have shown up in body language. I become more and more aware of what was once a path to help myself is now allowing me to more beneficial to those around me. By quietly thinking about how I think and react to life, analyzing my mistakes and successes. Lately, what has become more profound is really how can anyone think that no one else suffers? From life’s little inconveniences to the grand question mark of our upcoming death…regardless of how much money they have.

Making Use of Our Precious Human Life

If you are going to take the wisdom out and practice, the first thing you do is start with an open heart. As simple as an intention, is it not necessarily easy to pull smile when the whole world seems like it is collapsing. But your own worries should not placed on others, knowing they too suffer. Walking down to temple, I encountered a guy in his PJ’s and his new puppy. Instead of walking by ignoring both, I kept my heart open and a wish to not show any displeasure. Mr PJ’s was not into talking to anyone, but his dog was saying howdy in a big way. I said to him, “Hi, how are you? And what dog is this, he is so cute?” while petting him. The puppy showed his excitement by pissing on my shoes and pants. The man said,”Oops!” I looked down at the puppy, and made no facial remark to compliment his spray of enthusiasm. What is done is done, I thought to myself… that is a new way of dealing for me. If I show any displeasure it will not undo what has been done, nor “make it right.” I said, “Oh, well…what mix is he?” Brushing right over what happened. The owner told me and I said good-bye walking onward to my temple. I ran into a friend, who told me about a break-up, leaving me to think about he fact that I find it much easier to access sadness than happiness and thought about why that is? Perhaps, this is a sign that we all suffer even in its minor forms, but more importantly this awareness alone will allow me to provide more happiness to others. I can change this dynamic just simply by being aware and taking care to show a happy face even when things get difficult, because there is no guarantee for anyone that life will be like they wanted, me included. We have the opportunity living where we do to make important changes with our precious human life. We often forget how lucky we really are. Photo by my partner from a border town in Cambodia, a poor boy who doesn’t beg and instead works hard. You can help these kids by clicking on and supporting Street Friends on the upper right.

The World Does Not Stand Still

Often you think you have the right answer to help someone or shed some light. But more often, others do not align themselves to your individual progress or wisdom. I find it difficult, but know it is best in most circumstances to just be quiet, instead of “helpful” when it is not wanted or does not seen to be the right time. It is energy not wasted, it is way better spent on those that ask honestly or just need some help. The world does stand still for us, ever evolving… with each on their own path. Paths cross when two people happen see the commonality we all share.

That ours is a life of suffering, from minor inconveniences like sore feet to our individual expiration date. It happens that we die alone, regardless of how the movies show it. We know this deep down and avoid this realization, and continue to hurt people in our quest to think we are better. Wise friends will show up or call when I need them, offering their ideas only when prompted. Can I be as wise to others? A few times I have and been told so. But I feel it was the natural thing to do. Could it be that wisdom and compassion exists in us untapped? Do we have to suffer to understand kindness? My idea is to take suffering and transform it into Buddhist wisdom.