The Choice of Suffering

“need new blades”

I post in advance when I go to see the monks once a month for lunar observance, in hopes of finding someone interested enough to come. I have asked many friends, and acquaintances at yoga as well. They say the third time is a charm, and I was contacted by man living a spiritual life(similar to a monk) out of his own choosing. I won’t go into details as to why he chose this path, but it involves some difficult suffering. We talked about the fact that the idea of the suffering is much more difficult than the actual occurrence. It made for an interesting ride there and back, and to watch someone else’s change upon leaving. We both came to the understanding it is not necessary to become a monk for our individual spiritual goals. I added that if I did it would be because my wisdom would naturally dictate I should do it to serve others better. When we arrived early, I wanted to rest, as it is a lot for a brain-injured person to drive 3 hours and talk in a car. But I tried to rest until I heard the gong sound of time to talk to the monks before the evening meditation. I asked in my stilted tongue of the head monk, “Is suffering was the quick path to wisdom?” in a joking manner. The idea came out in our discussions on the way up there. In his answer he pointed out that suffering is not the path, it leads us away from it. Talking about the arrow sutta, where if you were shot with an arrow(physical pain or getting sick, for instance), then the second arrow would be the mental suffering. You can choose to feel only one arrow, the physical pain. If we enjoy the self-created mental turmoil then, we chose to suffer the second arrow. This was one quick way to remind myself how I think about any kind of suffering. After that causal talk then we started the chanting and the evening meditation. Two hours later we were lucky enough to hear the Buddhist nun's individual stories before continuing on until 3:30 am. They are opening a new monastery in San Francisco, which will soon be up and running by the New Year. Curious, I got a chance to talk to one particular nun about her ideas of a sangha for their new monastery. I was, of course tired at 4am, but felt really mentally awake and calm. And whether my company talked to me or slept... I was content.

Finite Reality

My brother said once to me when speaking about his kids he adores, "Not only I have I given them life, but also disappointments, heartache, illness, and death." It was a very aware statement, and not meant as a curse, but these all come with life. Part and parcel. Spinning off this I thought about my finite time on this planet. My family is close, and we talk a lot. My brother and I talk a couple times a year and email a handful a year, unlike my sister who we talk quite frequently. It is understood how busy he is with work and his two adorable kids who take much of his free time away from him. It is not a matter of love, and if I happen to die tomorrow I will do so knowing he loves me as I do him. But what does come to mind, is I can actually count the number left of his calls before I die. It becomes a very finite small number, whereas my sister’s calls seem infinite. Let's say 80 more calls providing I don't die tomorrow for the sake this argument. Then what I should really do is make every conversation we have free of petty worries, and normal bitchiness about my life. It will be difficult, yet mindful awareness on my part. Thinking back to the monks I met last June, they never complain about life, and are always inquisitive about you. It is not about them, so now I will work towards making it about my brother and his kids…for my brother.

Open Door Spirit

I felt a wee bit more relaxed about life after the all night meditation and when I returned a friend who is staying with me even remarked that I seem happier. I joked I am so tired I can’t possibly work up the energy to be bitchy. So, I was thinking it would be best to go again to weekend day I found online at a different venue far from the last monastery I went to last. The same monks from that one will be there and we can feed and help them(dana). I find it remarkably odd that I found this. I can’t seem to let this opportunity just fall by the wayside, regardless of feelings expressed in last post. They opened a door to my spirit, and now I feel an obligation to make it know how much I appreciated this time spent with them. We are all working towards the same goals. Plus, who knows if I end up being in the same robes on day in my life again. I wonder if they yearn for some appreciation of the sacrifice they have made for wisdom and dhamma. These monks where not born into it. So, the decision to leave the householders life had much more importance and only they why they made this move in their life. I know they have some small taste of what they miss from samsara, regardless of all the wisdom they have since gained.  It would not be seen as given towards the monks, but is considered merit. Merit I would earn for all those who have helped me to know love and have love in my life like my Mother. We live our lives by example. So, tomorrow and the next day I’ll cook, and remember the great food I was given when I was a novice.

Today, my partner said he working hard on his Masters for us.  Getting up late at night after work, with hardly a moment to breathe. That struck me, because most people think of themselves. When I work on myself it helps me but sometimes it can help others. They can share in the lightness of being that I can be at times,  but can also see the possibilities for themselves.  I am still trying to help others with no "what's in for me?" motive. That can be very challenging to do, because at the least you expect a thank you or a smile. But, I am getting better at thinking would I like in this instance... maybe some help or even a little understanding. Understanding of the monks, in this instance and others in life will open many doors.

Suffering Without A Camera Battery

There are times when you leave the mind and body connection and today was just one of those days. After taking the boat to the pier close to some temples I wanted to visit, I walked in the hot sun with the brain still ticking, constantly asking ….how will my stay at a temple change me?

I have already met and talked to a couple of people. Yesterday, while waiting to have my hair cut a monk walked in. He was tired from a bus ride back to Bangkok from Chiang Rai. We talked until it was my time for the chair came up and I offered to him. He said, “You go ahead.” A quick buzz later, and before biding good-bye offered to get him something cool, and again he said, “ No, thank you.” This short encounter showed me some of his wisdom and pure heart. He was friendly and interested in me as an equal …albeit suffering person.

Back to today, I walked to Wat Ratchapradit, just in time to sit and watch and pray with the Monks. They do it all in Pali, but the first prayer of refuge is to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha(Buddham saranam gacchami). That I can join in, knowing it in English, but thinking about next month I’m curious how much Pali I will have to learn. It was just me and older folks in a beautiful painted temple. Oh, wait I am old, I'm one of those, sorry I forgot. I watched the monks when they entered and during the prayers, holding hands in prayer for an hour(difficulty), and few times they would glance at the asperas painted on the wall above. It was hot, even with the fans in the temple, and I saw a couple of older people fight sleeping. But extreme peace came over me and made me separate mind and body. I moved with purpose with this calm.


I did not take photos after my battery needing charging from earlier. It was just as well. I think it would have been rude. Just outside I had a talk with a sangha member, who was in a chair because it hurts too much to sit. I sat down and talked to him, peaceful and attentive to his questions. The number one question I get is, You are not Christian???? Once I get past this, it seems to open a door with everyone including my cab driver later. I am a farang in looks only, but we all bleed the same!

Does it Always Have to be Spoken?

I was at temple discussing a part of Buddha Dharma after a teaching. I was trying to express myself, but like I do quite often, pick words easier for people to understand coming from me than the correct word. We were discussing Buddha’s ultimate truth, which alone is a difficult one for anyone to fully comprehend. I may have said the wrong word, and the person I was talking to probably did not know my intention. But I have somewhat relaxed on being misunderstood as it comes with the territory of my brain injury. Everything is an appearance to our mind. I have noticed in long meditations that I am just what I have in my mind, and the minute I am able to clear it out ...I just exist. In fact, I even sometimes lose the attachment to my breath. But the thing that came to mind was if it is an ultimate truth why does it have to be spoken? If is truly an ultimate truth, then one should be able to be taught, by the pure intention of your teacher or guru. That is providing one in is the correct space both mentally and physically to receive this lesson or any others. In the past I have met realized monks, that at times have felt their pure intention but not being in the correct mental space did fully understand what they were trying to communicate. Nonetheless, I still was changed by the experience of their presence and it was done without any spoken words between us. In one instance years ago, I was blessed by a monk in an ancient Khmer site, and it took me over an hour to get back into my body. I was as empty as space and only now think it might have been a teaching. This helped to start me on my path when I returned. I visited a new friend, who suggested I meditate with him for an hour, having never done it. Surprisingly, I had carried the wish to do so, strongly in my heart and completed it to his and my total amazement. So I have heard that a prayer is a heartfelt wish, so was that monks blessing was a wish or a teaching?

Happy Bunny Protector

I feel I have settled down here in Bangkok, which is a good sign. Today, I caught a motorcycle taxi to the BTS and got rained on. I just laughed all the way there, then got on the cold monorail which took me to another part of the city dry and void of any moisture. I was on the hunt for interesting shots, but now a wet mess in the tropical sun. Pulling out my face mask because I so near the traffic and fumes. That combined with my 70 SPF on my skin I felt like a modern warrior ready for battle. I went to a temple near the river, but wearing shorts I knew it was improper to go inside. I was outside photographing a hindu shrine and spirit house when I met a monk. Surprised that I was Buddhist, we talked and then he was convinced I am really a monk in regular clothes. When I said I would like to meditate, he unlocked the gates and led me to above the monks living quarters to where they hold dharma talks for monks and people. The room had inlaid pearl chairs and smaller Buddhas. He opened the windows and turned on a fan. I prostrated first to Buddha, and then sitting on my knees with feet facing away I meditated for an hour, while the monk was busy on the phone. He does all the electrical for the nearby temple. We talked about what he does everyday, which includes singing Pali chants to Buddha 1 hour a day but rarely includes any meditation.
We exchanged numbers and he gave a wax Buddha as a gift, proud to meet a foreign Buddhist. I continued my path through odd streets running into a huge sea of uniformed kids just getting out of school. At least they are far more reserved than U.S. kids, and it was a big school. Since I was close to the river, I took a boat north, then walked to the klong boat which would loop me to the BTS. A long day and when I arrived back at home, I sat and looked the city view. I can see the freeway I took many years ago to leave a tearful partner here the first time we met. I remember the shock, hurt and confusion having to leave someone I loved. I felt so content tonight, knowing my intuition then was correct and led us to this great path we are on now.

Pick or Shoes

I have noticed that we people think we operate in a vacuum, alone and fully independent. So this week I have been entertaining friends and new acquaintances I have made. I do this whenever I feel a bit down on myself, to acknowledge the importance they make in my life. All I have to do is remember, that people and family were there the moment I was in ICU. I continue to try to make new friends whether at work, play, or the gym. This is very hard given my disability, but the minute I begin to lay any perimeters on my life, I lose out tremendously. I need people, you need people and we need them more than we often think. It takes many people to enjoy our cup of coffee, or our power, or to make our shoes. If all these people were on strike we would not be very happy without these things. Today, when I called 411 three times talking as slow and as calmly as I could and asked for a business number and they gave me a new wrong number each time. It was hard to not be mad, because I had driven across town to find a business and wanted to call. So, I instead met a friend and dealt with calling the phone company unrushed when I got home. Because I was calm and nice, they apologized and took the charges off my bill. There was no point in showing with anger to the person who handled my call that this really made an hour more of work and put me behind in what I wanted to accomplish. I just talked about the weather on her end and my end and ended it with a calm note. She in turn will have a much better evening with one less angry person during her shift. Knowing the chain reaction we can often cause, because we are so interconnected.
I want to send prayers to the monks and the people faced with bullets in Myanmar(Burma), just to help their fellow citizens eat. They need us now.

Embarrassment or Enlightenment?

Now, it seems like banks are closing their doors or sub-prime branches bitten with all the new foreclosures. I really don’t feel any pity for lenders who obviously over-looked their client's lack of income to make a buck. These same banks are all calling foul, when they knew from the beginning when they were praying on the poor's desire to have a home. Which brings back to an earlier point that no one will accept personal responsibility in our society. And to make matters worse people think they can profess their innocence loud enough or many times and just absolve themselves of their guilt. Believe it or not, it will come back to haunt you if not later in life…now.
I am proud that the monks in Myanmar have risked their lives in hopes to change their suppressive government. I think they came to the point with Buddhist intention, with death as a given, and that only they can make the change happen in effort to help other poor people. This will only increase their karma by helping to end this suffering. Now, that is the door to enlightenment!