Finite Reality

My brother said once to me when speaking about his kids he adores, "Not only I have I given them life, but also disappointments, heartache, illness, and death." It was a very aware statement, and not meant as a curse, but these all come with life. Part and parcel. Spinning off this I thought about my finite time on this planet. My family is close, and we talk a lot. My brother and I talk a couple times a year and email a handful a year, unlike my sister who we talk quite frequently. It is understood how busy he is with work and his two adorable kids who take much of his free time away from him. It is not a matter of love, and if I happen to die tomorrow I will do so knowing he loves me as I do him. But what does come to mind, is I can actually count the number left of his calls before I die. It becomes a very finite small number, whereas my sister’s calls seem infinite. Let's say 80 more calls providing I don't die tomorrow for the sake this argument. Then what I should really do is make every conversation we have free of petty worries, and normal bitchiness about my life. It will be difficult, yet mindful awareness on my part. Thinking back to the monks I met last June, they never complain about life, and are always inquisitive about you. It is not about them, so now I will work towards making it about my brother and his kids…for my brother.

My Secret Dream Penthouse

I had a recurring dream I have perhaps once a year, last night. Always, a bit new. It consists of accessing and going to a secret tiny penthouse that I only have the keys. With 360 degrees windows in a small room, that you have to access though a wild set of dark passages, sometimes crawling up through. Now, I have set here trying to figure out where it exists in my memory bank of past experiences, and the best I can come up with is a mish-mash of details. It appears so clear to me at times and especially in my dream that I could spend hours rewinding the mental tape piecing it all together. I have had in the past keys to buildings, some of which had unfinished penthouses. I would go sometimes to get a view at night, at off hours and many times after I quit working, in said building. I have always had grand daydreams as well as those at night. Raw industrial size office buildings while I worked in the floors below. And I have seen some cool lofts made out of old brick buildings that I have gone to parties in. The image that fits the dream that comes close was the rooftop of a tiny studio apartment building I had in my early 20’s with nice views of downtown. I can, now, hours after I am awake, travel back to crawling up passages to show some people what other rooms I have. Knowing that they really don’t exist, and are composed of several other dreams. It amazes me and stops time. The lights are on, and yes, somebody is still home.