Your Friends Disappear

Death Valley Junction

Like a 48 hour TV mystery, you’ll find on the spiritual path that most of your “friends” disappear, and it’s not because you are trying to convert them. The real meaningful ones will stick around, but for the most part …the rest won’t be calling you. I think it is mainly caused, in my case, by no longer drinking and being married with my partner, and most conversations would include what I am up to at the moment, which is my spiritual path. Unprompted, A few good friends who stuck around have even mentioned that my change is positive. But the rest don’t want to hear about any exit to the mundane suffering that we all experience.  Two good excuses, “Only you could do this.” or “I should do this,” while they are looking down while playing a game on their IPhone... when I'm speaking to them. This means they will never even attempt to meditate, because it doesn't immediately satisfy. I have mentioned before that I saw the cloud lifting with awareness heightening within my first year of casually meditating.

Mona Caron Mural

Surely, you’ll make new friends who you meet because of your change, and gather new acquaintances familiar with your particular “brand” of path(often called Sangha, in my case). Depending on how far along you are… you will also notice that even these new ones don’t need you so much when their own wisdom blooms creates a relaxed attitude around not clinging. Meaning not clinging to anything including any friends. All this might seem disconcerting at first, but it is positive maturation that will immediately become obvious when you no longer are invited to parties and social events where people drink. It will help you stay on the path, instead of being tempted every weekend to make one giant leap backward….which can easily happen with only a good bottle of red wine and loose lips over a casual dinner.

Luck... Put Into Proper Perspective

In an effort not to pick a hot news topic and effuse my opinion on it, I am posting less and meditating more. Not to mean there is nothing to say, and there are tons of feelings about world events I would like to spout about. I obsessed about the Oregon teen terrorist case, feeling we always have money for law and prisons, but not help to channel harmful intentions into better decisions. I am beginning to understand that wisdom does not morph out of my opinions, no matter how brilliant they sound to me.

I cooked for three hours for a friend, just because it felt fun. A nice hot meal finishing with a fresh acorn squash pie for dessert. I did not tell him what I planned to serve, just called him at work asking him if he is hungry. He said he will stop by for...whatever. Pouring tons of tea, we had spoken a couple of days ago about a mutual friend. I said, “Don’t you know her mom is missing?” He replied, “What?” Then I told him what I know and the mystery surrounding. Doesn’t it all begin to make sense knowing this friend? He was obviously trying to assemble his impressions of her over the years. “It is shame, it has never been answered.”

In our conversations about what we want to accomplish before we expire we covered many of our projects. We also talked about what I feel is a real stumbling block on my path, that is, how I was brought up. It provides me one way to see the world and how I act on it…is often based on the way I was taught. Unlearning is also part of my path, and to do so, might very well take not talking for a month. I dread it, if only not being able to vent my frustrations and a few family phone calls. My life leans away from speaking constantly with my injury, but I am still not silent when out and about. The other day when I mentioned the idea to the Nuns they said, "Please, not now, but how about when we go on retreat in January?"

We again reflected on our friend, and immediately I felt better. I'm able to quickly realize the good luck I have even with this injury that allows me to ‘get over it” in many ways easier than other people. It was all learned just like learning how to meditate and reflect on my actions. And unlearning is reconfiguring myself to access the core integrity I do have and have always had. With that comes the person I would like to be, naturally. I am constantly reassuring other people when confronted by my story, that, “Yes, you would do this the same way.” Try to find a positive outcome and pursue it, ...that is, once you get past the self-pity.

A Hug ...Full of Stories

While preparing dinner, my friend played great jazz, and made a fresh margarita for me. I was I missing my partner, so I said yes to just one glass. We were joking and carrying on about his birthday party last week, he called two friends to join us. When through with the call, he said add that “mojo” spice I used last week on his midnight pizzas to the chard I was cooking. A little tipsy from the margarita, I did not notice that while I unscrewed the top, taking with it the other part , and dumped a hell of a lot in the pan...oops. I said what the hell, what’s a little spice in our life. We laughed. My friend grabbed spoon, and washed several spoonfuls of hot onions under water in the sink and put them back in the hot pan. We got at least half out, but knew it would be a spicy kick that no one would suspect in one of the galettes we were assembling for our dinner. It would lie over the beets and cheese. We were in stitches, and I gave him a quick hug. He said, “What is that for?”

How do you connect with friends not on a spiritual path? Just enjoy the time spent with them. So, I replied, “just a thank you.”
I could not begin to tell him adequately what happened last Sunday, when I went to the Nun’s vihara for pujas and meditation. After the Pali chant, a meditation, and a reading from a book. We all took a walk on the beach, and the nun, Anandabodhi grabbed a vase full of water from the shrine. She told me that they and others are praying on the water from the ocean and putting it back every few days. I said a great idea and I was amazed I had not heard of it. “Would I like to carry it?” I said, “Sure!” Telling me that when I get to the ocean, to not just dump it back in, but also walk in the water, collect your thoughts, praying for all the people involved and the suffering animals. Holding in your mind the fact that we are 70-75% water and our connection, while the ocean caresses your skin. Then mindfully put in back, wishing it health, and then say a prayer, later picking up some fresh vase full. Picking up some loose seaweed nearby to add, and the nun added a handful of sand to the water. A fellow temple member took the vase from my hands to carry back. We were walking back, me carrying up the rear because I wanted to stop at my car to grab a cloth to wipe the sand from my damp feet. Not wanting to track back it into the vihara.

All of a sudden a woman came out of nowhere towards me. “Can you give me a ride home?” I could smell the alcohol on her breath, so I was a bit perplexed but could tell she was little distressed. She needs me rings in my head. Hearing this Anandabodhi turned around and was watching this. I just said, “Sure,” while thinking this will be weird ending to the evening. With my brain injury and the confusion around, I dropped my key, and was looking for it….using the time to assess what I was getting myself into. I am pretty good with figuring out people’s intentions. The woman was relieved, and then Anandabodhi said to the woman from afar, “That man is upstanding,” giving me the good nuns seal of approval. I was tickled and smiled and said, “Well, Goodbye and thank you.”

I found my key, unlocked her door, and then went around to my side. She was saying thank you to me in the car, as I started it and turned on the heat and got out my ipod. Connecting it, I put on some nice soothing music, new Bakti from Jai Uttal. The woman told me where she lived, and I drove her home, with nice chanting playing, to relax her some, while my passenger sang to the chant. She gradually got relaxed enough to tell me a few things, allowing us to connect like a scene out of Night on Earth. I did not pry and she did not tell why she was down at the ocean at night. I just talked about how important the nuns are, and a spiritual path and telling her said she stop by to say hi. We talked all the way to her house, ending with a hug. That same hug I shared with my friend later.

Really Never Have a Fixed Idea

I was beginning to think I am lucky, when I see some other people going through life’s hurdles. Looking at what part of my ego needs to think this, and maybe it is the comparing mind. Or, it is the part that wants to label something, and put a check mark in my head as been there and lay it aside. If I think it is done, then I will get to more important stuff? What is exactly is that? I am not going to solve the oil spill by worrying about it. Nor or you going to solve a relationship problem by guessing everything that can possibly go through the other person’s head. It is becoming clearer to me that just when you think you know it ...you don’t.

Recalling the dream that woke me up to write this. I helped a friend some 20 years ago burned out of his apartment, by letting him stay with me. There was some attraction involved even before the fire and one night after dinner we got a little hot. I stopped it because I cared enough about him to not to let it go anywhere that would put him in a weird space in my house. So, it transpired into laughter… lighthearted laughter. I honestly cared about him, regardless of the outcome. Is that what we really wanted, that night? Not to get lost in sex to forget life’s great inconsistencies, but instead to laugh it all off. Because we really don’t know anything, like why life puts some people together under odd circumstances and throws others apart. Why a seemingly tragic event to one person, is an awakening to another?


My dream consisted of us starting to have sex and instead ending up with us tickling each other. So I woke up laughing. Because laughter between two people is one of the great shared experiences. We might have friends that agree with our view of life(at this current time), but the nuances of what determines this will never make it an ideal shared experience. “You don’t see it like I do!” How many times have we heard this the minute one has doubt in the ways are? To align things with what seems to you to be their place will work one moment and not another. There are too many variables that just point us into taking life as it is. Simple things can truly bind people…like love and caring with a little laughter thrown in. Laughing, because we don’t know what really is next…ever.

Bangkok Stories

Like all Bangkok stories, this will sound familiar. Going with a friend to see another wat on my list that ended up being closed. My friend instead of getting mad or upset he asked me if I had seen Wat Kanlayanamit before. It was near the closed wat. I replied, no meanwhile touring the kutis of the monks on the way out.

I thought I had been to it before, churning the memory wheel…I had, but that was two years ago and there was a huge festival during Chinese New Year, so I only got as far as the two Chinese pagodas out front close to the river. Walking in from the back, after a stroll through narrow lanes between houses, we came first to the small wihan(see photos at bottom) that has redone beautiful murals from King Rama the III, and gilded lacquer doors.

On top of that it has great ceilings outside, too. That was a treat, until I saw the huge Buddha in the subduing mara in the main Wihan, which was a nice surprise. Built as a gift to King Rama III with this huge Buddha similar to one in Autthya. I thought it must be stone it is so large, but in fact was cast on May 18th, 1837 by Chao Phraya Nikornbodin (Toah Kalayanamit) with a donation from King Rama III. There are also nice tiled gables, and a lot has been redone. It looks like they are trying to replace the huge sandstone pavers outside soon.

There is always merit to be earned by supporting the repairs of these temples. Kalayanamit means true friend or good friend and I hope it is the beginning of a good friendship with the friend who took me there.






As a flew back on the plane one moment out of thousands came to mind. One day, I went to 7/11 to get some water and ran into a monk and he started talking to me of all the people there. We jumped into a conversation, quickly right there, once he got past my voice. He had been to US, and California and stayed in…of all places, Las Vegas.
This lead to my obvious question, “Why there?”



He replied it was where my lady friend lived who paid for his trip. She met him there in Bangkok, and paid for a trip to see the west of the states. She has since sent her son to be a novice for two weeks and has turned out to be a good son. He told me that the best we can do as wise people is help our aging parents until they die, so they die in peace.



Our parents had given up a lot to bear us and clean up after us, and this is how we have to pay them back. The merit alone will help make our own death easier. A wise thought, from a monk younger than I.

Remember you can click on any photo to enlarge.

Troll Crossing and Investing in Truth

This past weekend we spent time again with my partner’s close friend in Chinatown for all kinds of great food and a look at the dark market. He is a nice guy from Laos, and I can see why my partner likes him. He is positive and never moody. He has been over several times to eat and workout with us. So, when I finally took notice of his hands, I was shocked I did not see earlier. This is perhaps because he is so happy and positive. He is bigger than his hands, so as to speak. Anyway, his hands have severe enough rheumatism that they cannot bend correctly and are somewhat deformed. I asked why, and my partner said, “Because his parents were exposed to Agent Orange.

All from a country that is supposed to be developed(USA)." My partner is just acknowledging our part, but not confusing me with the cause. Some of the great maturity he possesses. He said further that his friend’s brother is worse off from the dioxin, and that his father has red bumps all over his body. This made me feel helpless, because I know the Vietnam war vets have been trying to expose this for years to help them get compensation and care from their exposure. All the more reason to know war affects a lot more than the supposed enemy. I still thank my father, for talking me in 9th grade and saying do not sign up for social security at school, that is how they find out to draft you. And if they do draft you, we are going to Canada. He was very much against this war, and any war.



I did get my partner to get a Tetanus shot, and this first Hepatitis A shot(next one in 6 months), which the Thai Dr said you don’t die from, but do you have B? He told him yes, and it should be in his chart. I had him do this shot years ago. I said Hep A and B are common in the developing world and he can’t afford exposure with his Thalassemia.

Two shots were enough for him, even though I have had four vaccinations in a day, before coming here last year. I am happy to pay to keep him healthy and on track for his masters.


Sunday night, we talk as we lay in bed talking about our collective history and the fact that is our longest lasting relationship for both of us. I tell him that he is my best investment, jokingly, but it is really the truth.

In Reflection: Tossing Out Mental Unease

I’m on my 7th month of meditating a minimum of 30 minutes per day, and yesterday did 45 minutes at the gym before yoga. I have been meditating for years, but not as regularly as this in my life. I have moved way past being annoyed by people talking, banging weights, jump roping, etc near me. At first I would hone in on the disturbance, but months into this practice I realized that whatever happened, even mundane gossip near me was not worth my mind going there…it was all empty. I can easily get relaxed after quickly “downloading” any currents fears and worries. And after six months have been able to on many occasions getting to a place where my mind seems like a blank, black canvas seeing the space between thoughts or no thought. It has actually helped me in yoga, to synchronize my breathing in yoga, holding poses with a more relaxed breath. It also can laugh at myself more, and while sitting in front near a mirror laughed at this old guy(me) doing these poses. My mediation practice brought me closer to the others in the room, and allowed me to more connections and friends. I’m more consciously aware of others suffering, even being minor frustrations. In listening to their breathing, or sharing some common bonds with them.

After class, a fellow classmate and I bumped into each other in the locker-room, I joking made it more pronounced, and he turned around and gave me a hug. It was not at all sexual in nature, but much more just a friendly way of saying, You’re OK, and I don’t feel threatened by you. We have talked over the last three years, so we friendly in the gym and share a few friends in class. I do hope that as time goes on, and my practice gets deeper that I connect more with people in such a way. I have had more people come to me, or warm up to me since I have been meditating. A sign that I have reduced my self-concern, and worked out some of my mental unease kinks that would normally have shown up in body language. I become more and more aware of what was once a path to help myself is now allowing me to more beneficial to those around me. By quietly thinking about how I think and react to life, analyzing my mistakes and successes. Lately, what has become more profound is really how can anyone think that no one else suffers? From life’s little inconveniences to the grand question mark of our upcoming death…regardless of how much money they have.

Ringing in Dharma

I find that my sense of what I consider the world expands with my learning Buddha Dharma. In other words, my world expanded much beyond what I would have normally considered important to me. You know attractive people, and things I desired or care about before. It started just after traumatic brain injury when the natural evolution healing process caused me to look at everything in life. Assign importance to things, and change perspective on other things I would have in the past tossed aside. One important huge mental shift was seeing that others suffer, and sometimes much more than you in the present moment. Of course it meant having to stop comparing yourself to people much more beautiful and better off. This mental shift was instrumental in my healing process, and it did come to me like in a light bulb moment. I had to put aside my self-pity, which was so easy to fall into when ever I encountered exhaustion and still does now, but rarely. This is not to say that I was careless about our world as I was still active politically and socially, in the past. But now I see and feel more people I care about who I see and perhaps encounter in life. My actual caring circle expanded nearly doubling. I find myself talking to others when I think I can be of some help to them. I am not perfect, but I try to engage others when appropriate. I saw a new person at yoga that I could tell was struggling with the flexibility. He was a huge man, in both muscles and size. I told him you have to relax your ideas of being able to do it all right now, rest and relax and it will also help you dealing with life. Perfect the poses that come natural to you. Then I told him that before I even did yoga I used to sit on the floor and work on the stretches. Then when I started which was nine years ago and I still cannot do a lot of complex ones. I said it is great for getting your mind ready for meditation and will save your life in ways you never would have thought. My discussion with him included a note about how far I have come, from limping to my present good balance. And with my speech disability that gave it some real gravity to him. He said thank you and he was worried about his blood pressure so maybe I helped launch him in a new way of thinking.

Wait Not, Want Not

I was out on Sunday, deciding to go out with friends while waiting for my guest to arrive. I did not have a firm time from him, and I was not going to waste a beautiful day waiting around. So I went to Open studios in Marin Headlands by bus which is a hell of a lot cheaper than a car and better for our planet. Walking with my friends to see artist’s studios. I got fascinated by Walter Kitundu both playing and talking about his work and thoughts(see link posted). Stayed there about an hour and lost my friends, but it was all good. It left me with hope, dreams, admiration and it slowed down my fast paced existence. When he talked about watching and photographing birds and that they will let you know what they are doing. He also spoke about how standing or sitting quietly in the park the police were called many times on him. It got so bad, he had to put a sign by him that explained what he was doing. I was outraged and ashamed, but not surprised. Bringing me back to the idea that we are missing so much of what is good in life, by defining life by what we already know or fear. We think that we have it all figured out. In our little “me” world, where we originate the idea that the world happens to us, Defined by what we like or dislike. But if we just it go and view life with equanimity we will be happily surprised at how much less painful it appears to be. I rushed back to dinner with my friend, who in waiting at a bar close to my house, had met the owner of a restaurant. The owner had invited him and me to have dinner at his restaurant. Three hours of eating and drinking wine all on him! I tipped the wait staff and once home wrote a nice Thank you card, an often forgotten courtesy.
"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives"-Albert Einstein

My Bailout

Walking home, I came across two trash cans that where blown out into the street and picked them up and put them back on the sidewalk braced by a pole. A car drove by and the man inside driving it yelled out, “You’re a good man!” Flattered and surprised, I said, “Thank you” and continued walking. I made me think, not about me, but whom in my life I could say that to. Immediately, four friends came to mind. This is not discounting my partner who to me is a firmly placed as exceptional, so I can put him aside in my thought wonderings. I have at least four good friends who without ever saying it always project an intention to love and care about me. I have more good people in my life, but these shine. They can be miles away, and I still know where their intention lies. This known intention allows me to have strength when the chips are down or when hard decisions have to be made. They are part of my bailout, which also includes mediating, that I use to combat any self-pity or worry. My bailout does not repackage old fears and mistakes and resell them to my friends.

Prisoner of Our Own Thoughts

I was recalling Monday all day Tuesday. Mainly, because it was an important event whenever you see a friend that still loves you. Well, on the way home transferring buses, I ran into a guy who is homeless that I see ever so often. He looks kind of Cro-magnon, and carries himself like dangerous person. When I first saw him years ago, I would avoid him to the point of walking across the street. At that time I figured he was mentally ill, and a bit violent. In reflection it is probably self-preservation on the street. Later in time, with the things I learned with Buddha’s teaching I had relaxed enough to say “Hi” whenever I saw him. Regardless what mood he is in. Well, guess who walked up to me while waiting for the bus with two books in his hands? Him. One book he had was a hard cover literary horror book with great well-known illustrations. He was showing me the book, and even liked the high quality work. He did not want to sell it to me, but he wanted to give it to me. I was not present in the moment, and said why don’t you sell it to get money? He kept showing the book and again offered it to me unconditionally. Sure I did not need it, but his intent was honest and good…and I was being an idiot in my own world wanting to get home quick. A day later I said to myself I would be doing the best for him by just taking the book and honoring his pure intent. I know now I owe him an apology when I see him next, my wisdom was playing hooky that day. Love does not always come in the form we expect especially when we are guarded. Tonight, I took more sealed lunches (left for me by my crossing guard angel) that I heated down to people I found hungry on the street. It was easy to find hungry guys not too far away. The oil painting is done by my friend mentioned in Monday's post. Dedicated to Michele, a homeless advocate.

A Great Closing

Monday, I was busy seeing a friend from out of town. Running around town, seeing museums. When we stopped at my house I leaned down to pick up 5 small lunches and soup left for me by my local crossing guard. My friend said, “What’s that?” Thinking I ordered it. I mentioned this in an earlier post. I did not need the extra food, and it would foolish to see it being thrown away. At least I could not do it. So I heated them up wrapped in a towel, and took off to find homeless to give them to. Within three miles I found people living on the street to give to. They were happy when I asked them. I rarely throw food away unless it is bad, knowing there are people going without all over the world. I have seen people while traveling without food. It was a carryover from when I was a child. It made for a nice night-cap to a great day, so I can sleep easier in my skin.

The World Does Not Stand Still

Often you think you have the right answer to help someone or shed some light. But more often, others do not align themselves to your individual progress or wisdom. I find it difficult, but know it is best in most circumstances to just be quiet, instead of “helpful” when it is not wanted or does not seen to be the right time. It is energy not wasted, it is way better spent on those that ask honestly or just need some help. The world does stand still for us, ever evolving… with each on their own path. Paths cross when two people happen see the commonality we all share.

That ours is a life of suffering, from minor inconveniences like sore feet to our individual expiration date. It happens that we die alone, regardless of how the movies show it. We know this deep down and avoid this realization, and continue to hurt people in our quest to think we are better. Wise friends will show up or call when I need them, offering their ideas only when prompted. Can I be as wise to others? A few times I have and been told so. But I feel it was the natural thing to do. Could it be that wisdom and compassion exists in us untapped? Do we have to suffer to understand kindness? My idea is to take suffering and transform it into Buddhist wisdom.

Photo Nostalgia

I know that my old photographs of people, especially my friends and ex-lovers are stored in boxes. The idea, I guess, was to save them for when I am old so I could look at them and stroke those memories. It is coming to my mind that it would be more realistic to give them to the people who are in them. I have done that with one friend. Holding on to them does not give me any more spiritual connection to them. But, deep down maybe that is why I still hold to them? Even if they are still my friends, they are not same person when the photo was taken. Nor am I. It would free me from holding on to the past and make some moves I need to.

Fixing Things

I had friends over for dinner Friday, and I just sat back and let them talk, as it so difficult for me. They were both very entertaining, so it was easy to sit back and cook and make this happen. I like to get two friends from different circles to meet, as it is a reflection of my diversity. The following day, I drove to the beach to cliff overlooking it to meditate for two hours. It was a beautiful calm day, so it was not too cold. I would break every so often to drink tea. In the middle of one meditation a furry puppy just jumped into my lap content knowing I was so peaceful. I was not shocked or surprised, I opened my eyes to his female owner yelling, “NO!” I opened my eyes and said, “he is just a puppy and yet he knows I won’t hurt him, give him a break.” He stayed around, making sure he was safely under my arm. When the owner relaxed, then the puppy left easily. When I was done with my two hours, I felt so much more relaxed. I have quite a few things on my mind, and they were just released from the worry mode. I was lucky enough to have friend over that night for dinner, and he was so kind as to show some techniques to photoshop my photos to look as good as they do on the camera. The sky on this shot was this spectacular that night, just before a cold front came in.

Patience, an all-day affair

I was doing some things around home and a friend asked me to go to a book sale. I said sure, and drove there. Not knowing it would be all day affair as he looked for books for his classes where he teaches developmentally disabled kids. So, I quickly put my own self aside and helped him. Every time I wanted to leave and get back to doing my own things I reminded myself that my time for both my friend and his kids was more important than what I had to do. I used this as a test to see how patient I could be, and in turn helped him try to find good books. At the end of the day, I even offered to take his books to his school directly, a long way away. Knowing that two people carrying them would be easier. Then we came back home and I let him nap while I cooked dinner for us both. This was really not in my plans for a nice beautiful sunny day, but as an ex-lover once said to me: “People are not things, and are therefore much more important. Yes, some wise things said to you do somehow stick with you!

Ocean of Memories

I have been watching Ken Burns WWII film series. After the first night was done, I laid awake thinking before falling asleep. One person came to mind was my friend, M whom I dated one night back in 1982. Although he was young he was still forward enough to tell me he liked me but not “that way.” We instead, graduated as friends, and he moved in with me for a few months, after he had a blow up with his parents. He had great plans in life and we often spoke of this. I always thought he was very smart. Later when he moved out, and I became friends with his Mom, running with her on long distance loops. It was less than a year he became very ill in at the hospital. Diagnosed with something unknown combined with pneumonia. He prevented me from seeing him a few times when he was getting his lungs suctioned. One night I drove out to see him, and ended up not being able to see him and in the fog I sat crying. I had talked to his Mom earlier, and I got the feeling he was not going to pull out of it. He died soon after, without me being able say good-bye at the young age of 18, of what we later found out was a new disease, AIDS. This was 1984, and it was all too new to us. Our friendship, although it was a brief two years was rewarding and special. Today, I remain friends with his parents and shortly after his death gave them all the photos I had of him. M, you go on living in me and your parents so don’t worry. I am sending you good thoughts. Cheers!

You Are Going Wrong Way

People reading my thoughts must think I am a very serious person. On one aspect I am, brought about by my near death experience and disability. On the other hand I find that to write fluff, it would be a waste of my time. So, if you want fun try “The Onion” or “Comedy Central Blog” and come back here for a slice of reality. But rest assured I laugh and smile at stupid stuff, even of my own doing.
I find it interesting that a $315 million powerball winner laments his loss of friends. He also endured his grand-daughter’s death from drugs and his wife leaving him. The article goes much more in depth, but money is not everything and he regrets ever winning. We cannot hold on to it, nor use it to control people. I have to constantly remind myself of this fact while paying for my partner’s college. It is his life, and my input should be only to show I care and inspire. I have my own relative’s story about money and trying to hold on to it that I may tell later. Just remember this when you put money ahead of family and friends or in the pursuit of ‘so-called happiness,” as there is no-turning back.

Effects or Expectations?

The effect we have on others is often forgotten. Last night my past lover and now a close friend called. He has been busy and I have not heard from him in awhile so when he called I felt relieved. Hearing his voice, I cannot undo the memories of the time we spent together. We, of course have skillfully moved into a rewarding friendship. I won’t say this was easy but necessary because there was still love…maybe in a different form. Thinking, it is something everyone should do when they breakup. This happens when you have solidly developed a friendship when you are partners. I have two other past relationships, besides this one that have evolved into close friendships. Now, they are going on 10 and 20 years. I know it hard to be mature when a relationship breaks up, and feelings are raw. But look to the future and what you want to keep that you still find valuable. Looking at my photo, my father would often forget how the effect he had on me. What mistakes he made or where I would go in my career and when. Luckily, towards the latter part of his life, he tried much harder to be understanding, and compassionate. Sadly, it could not fully undo the damage he caused when I was a boy. But, I had matured in my expectations in the years after his death.

Flowers of Love

Remaining in a calm state the day proved rewarding. I made brunch for a friend to save us both money Later, helped a client for free, to show that I care about my referrals. She wanted a darker stain on her lamp parts, and I did it while talking with their family. Instead of charging her and being firm, it was easier to just do it for free. Her husband gave me a beer while I worked on them in their living room, so it was like working for old friends.
I would like to dedicate this day to my partner who has brought me great joy for over 6 years. Hence the two flowers photo. I find it difficult to be apart, but you know the difficulties placed on us gay people and the rights we are missing to marry or get a civil union. This would allow us the same rights as heterosexuals. But, I at least have been instrumental in forwarding our rights the past 20 years, and see progress with acceptance. So, I try to remain positive knowing change takes time confident it does not change our love.