Recently my Mom expressed some displeasure over the fact I
don’t celebrate Christmas. I do give gifts for the family, but pretty much have
abandoned all the rest of the trappings. This came about first by childhood
traumas around the holiday and a two years preceding that, back then, when I got a total
kick in teeth rejection from a new Christian youth group I had joined when I
told one guy that I was gay. This all formulated a survival instinct by dissing
all religions as exclusionary and hateful, so not a negation of my mother or
her life. She held the power of love even when things made no sense, and left
this to me. It wasn’t like
religion was forced on us, but some circumstances in my life besides that of
being gay I had to toughen up to get past them and survive. Not a wholly unique experience, but it
was of course tailor made for my awakening and settling down to meditation and
the Buddha’s teachings leading to more compassion. Learning to have compassion for myself, first and then develop it for others. Surviving was at times
excruciating painful, producing tons of doubts and sarcasm about life.
Meditating later in life became a way of dissolving many of my delusions. The
icing on the cake for surviving (written especially for younger gays) was
meeting my husband who has further taught me naturally Buddha’s teachings with
his own experience along the way. He also has remarked that few people when
they are older… change, but that I have, of course with his love and inspiration. Combined with
some powerful intention built out of suffering the outcomes of my former
self. Use your mistakes to further your growth on the path, for they are so designed to allow you to fail and find the need to change. Fall down, get up, dust yourself off...and proceed.
Recently my Mom expressed some displeasure over the fact I
don’t celebrate Christmas. I do give gifts for the family, but pretty much have
abandoned all the rest of the trappings. This came about first by childhood
traumas around the holiday and a two years preceding that, back then, when I got a total
kick in teeth rejection from a new Christian youth group I had joined when I
told one guy that I was gay. This all formulated a survival instinct by dissing
all religions as exclusionary and hateful, so not a negation of my mother or
her life. She held the power of love even when things made no sense, and left
this to me. It wasn’t like
religion was forced on us, but some circumstances in my life besides that of
being gay I had to toughen up to get past them and survive. Not a wholly unique experience, but it
was of course tailor made for my awakening and settling down to meditation and
the Buddha’s teachings leading to more compassion. Learning to have compassion for myself, first and then develop it for others. Surviving was at times
excruciating painful, producing tons of doubts and sarcasm about life.
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