Sri Lanka Revisited for Plan B

Dana Service cleaning Mihintale

We went to Sri Lanka for a month with everything up in the air about my husband’s green card. One, to visit an old favorite of the two of us, and two to explore options in case our case never was granted in our favor. It gave us time to put it away, and have fun because we had not left the country since he arrived for our marriage. With his extension stamped inside his passport we were off, and got to go up north to Jaffna and circle back along the east coast, two new places within the island we never got to. Trincomalee, was where we first encountered all the trash burning which included plastic bottles right in front of our guest-house. Something I had never been totally aware of any other visit, and ended up playing a key minus when we looked at condos in Kandy(which also had smoky air from the same problem). I knew from recent news before going that a dump near Negombo had collapsed killing several people, but never had encountered the increase in tourists brought so much trash…Everywhere. 

We began to feel responsible by the time we saw more of the same in Mirissa, which was totally developed, compared to the quiet of our visit in 2004. Never-the-less we visited important Buddhist sites to make offerings and to inspire us both. I had big plans to meditate at sites, having signed up for another 30-day Vipassana Meditation November 2017 for April 2018 when I returned. But I never got to, just alone in guest house or hotel each day. We did enjoy the people, even witnessing a Sri Lankan wedding and meeting indigenous Sri Lankans, the veddas.

By the time we left after our month taking off for the Maldives for a quick taste of a local island, we both decided this was our last time sadly for Sri Lanka. On our last week we got the good news from our lawyer that our case ruled in our favor, after a 5 year grueling test our of 17 year relationship ending for now our Plan B pursuits.

A New Clearing

Enjoying the jet lag, combined with my dreams where one can't figure out where one starts and the other one ends. It was interesting for me bringing up a difficult time of the past, and feeling very resolved about it which in turn stimulated a dream of wonder and beauty merging several snippets of my past. I am writing this while my partner sleeps besides me, a gentle symbol of his relaxation that everything will be O.K. with our upcoming marriage and his new life, soon in USA.

Many years ago, I worked in advertising and our group formed a company within a company. I worked hard and long hours and was paid pretty well. It was kind of exciting if you could find a client let us do what we were good at, high concept smart and fun packaging and collateral. My mentor was an interesting man only 10 years my senior, and I thought we bonded. So, I put in a lot of hours, and weekends while having a partner at the time, who was aware of what was happening and said they are just using you up. It wasn't self-serving, but I just didn't listen deeply because we had other problems unrelated.   Since I was doing so well, I decided now was the time to buy a house. I had a small down from my father's early death the year before, and knowing that my job was never permanent I had better get in while I can. This is was a motivation to working so hard.  I looked near and far for the best for my money, adding a commute that was longer than my apt. Once I got my first place I needed more time to spend on fixing it up, since it was kind of raw. I began to leave work at what would be my normal quit time, and not work late nights all the time.

Earlier in the year at work we had a meeting about our little company, and was told we have retirement accruing separate from the main company. That was dangled over me to spur me to work long days and weekends. Well, you can pretty much guess that at about the time I took initiative to work more normal days, we lost a client and I got pulled in to be the sacrificial cow. It lost my job at a weak point when the economy was still struggling after an earthquake and normal malaise, which seems to follow most of my life. There was no retirement I found out, nor bonus for all the hard work, which added to the shock. Here I am struggling to pay a new mortgage, and slim jobs. There is much more to this story, but I will leave them out because it is not part of this signifiant release in my dreams.

Fast forward trying to recover from brain injury with speech being nearly non-existent and motor skills heavily compromised, I had a meeting with my ex-boss from that advertising job and he gave a few small gifts. I was still a bit pathetic, so I would see some interesting reactions. It was early on in my healing process and I was still steeped in anger as to "why me?" Plus, having lost my partner during this time I was raw and trying to find some of my old power. I wrote a letter to that old boss saying these little gifts are a far cry from the retirement promised to me. I wanted someone to blame and share my misery with and he just happened to be in the right place and right time.

I took off with an older female workmate to Mexico, to relax and heal after I wrote this letter. One evening on the beach, I broke down about what I was left with brain wise. A really good wailing cry with someone I felt I could trust. Looking back these were all things I had to experience to get them out of the way. Anger and despair need to be eliminated so that one could then settle on what you have at the present moment and cement that the past is totally gone. She had understood what were the issues that caused my break-up, and it was done to spare my partner my misery my first year back. It was never understood by him, because it removed him from a role he is used to of taking care of disabled adults. I just wasn’t going to give all my power up in a time of weakness. Some real purging that trip, and came back fresh and ready to get busy with speech. Upon returning, I was driving her car for the first time when I realized that I had so many deficits with my paralysis that left me unable to see to the right. So, I had her drive and we talked about a letter I received from my ex-boss because she worked with him at one time. I was so upset that he said in the letter, "I am not your father!" and didn’t quite understand how much my father factored in to so much of my misery. Also in his letter was a long-winded explanation about the supposed retirement. He had moved on but obviously I hadn’t.

I tore that letter up and threw it over the bridge we were driving over that day with my friend, but it stayed with me until last nights dream when it was all released.  I can’t do justice to how good this felt, but it spurred the next dream woven of past memories.

I went to the corner of a room to drink out of a water fountain. This was from when I was 17 working in an art gallery, which taught art classes in back and had this old water fountain with the handle coated in various colored paints from over the years. This alluded to all the artists in the gallery and were also the teaching staff. I am sure you know the kind of fountain that are square and about 3 ft tall with a stainless steel drain on top and a flip handle in the corner. Near a door opening which opened on to the galley. I saw a wide pictorial view like a wall had been blow out of the gallery that left the walls left and right. There were several artists trying to figure out an inventive way to close it up,  but because it was a beautiful beach, ocean, cloud view they did not want to totally close it up. The view was more or less from my recent trip to Sri Lanka(I’ll include a few in this post). The team had worked into the gallery wall a horizontal window strip top and bottom, so it looked like you could walk on water while seeing clouds above. No readers, I don't have Jesus complex. Then while taking a sip of water from that fountain and talking to the team, who had come up with a way to paint the wall using the same colors in my photograph, and their hands dipped in paint, cotton and sand to give the wall tactile mystery. I am sadly leaving out much more of the dream, but you know how detailed dreams ...seem to be. That is enough to know that what I held on for so many years about my father has been finally dusted in a dream of creativity through a clearing of my held-on traumas. This was the tail end of the fingers woven into my life.

My main point in telling you some of my past is to help others understand there is a natural process when anything really significant happens in your life. I had lost my brain, my house, my job and someone I still love all in the period of a couple of short years. One has to go through disbelief, anger, depression(although not a fan of basking in it), before you can get to acceptance and access your full healing potential. I would often have denial of the pain caused by others rejecting me when I spoke, only using it to spur on more personal work. My recent foray into M.B.L. helped to release any leftover traumas held in my body and helped to facilitate this latest release. This leaves me with less desire to escape by “doing something” to occupy the busy mind.

Unbinding, For a Start

Some Sri Lankan's can't swim. Maybe they never want to leave.

While in the process of healing it became obvious that I had to work on healing the dark parts of my soul, so that I could possibly help others as well as myself. And one good way would be to share my story in a public venue. I tried a little, back when I volunteered with post stroke therapy in a hospital in the process of answering questions of those curious.  A few patients and/or their families were appreciative, but after a while I began to see clients and almost immediately tell who do will do well and who would not.  A mixture of both their ability or inability to accept this new change and who came or did not of their family or caregivers. I quit when it became painful to see. But I did some winners and great families step up like mine did. Meanwhile, I raised my own standards, as more personal flaws became known to me, and set off working on them. 

Just a little history to point me the need to tell my story, and points to interconnectedness of people where a single incident of delight can trigger others.

I was in a jovial mood after Sri Lanka(thinking of seeing my partner after a 2nd trip solo) and making connections both with the security and a man who both happened to see my Buddha amulet once I took it from out of my shirt to show that it was no weapon when I was individually patted down. All the security were very happy to find out I am Buddhist(or more correct, I try to follow the Buddhist path), and then I showed them on my phone a photo of me when I ordained in Thailand. Instantly, I felt like I just got accepted into a big family, and everyone came to look. One gentleman who was a witness to this as well, wrote on a card of a monk and temple I need to go and meditate in when I return.  As well, when I arrived there three weeks earlier, the staff of Sri Lankan Airline's offered me a ride in their van to the local bus stop, even though the bus stops there, just a friendly goodwill offering to beat the rain that was soon going to follow. The new airport in Hambantota made me really not want to leave, I guess because more goodwill incidents kept happening.

All these special moments really do make one happier, setting off a chain reaction and thus when I arrived in Bangkok I was caring their good will in my heart. I chatted up one man waiting in the skytrain and he ignored me(possibly language reason), then quickly on to another who was Sikh trying to use a famous voice(Snatam Kaur) as a way to break the ice. There was no wall of separation between us as with most strangers. Yes, of course he had heard of her and seen her sing live. Although she was not needed, this particular gentleman had a clear heart and thus launched us into almost an hour long conversation. And this is how I return to the need to share my story, which we had talked about on the ride. He planted a seed. That it is and was unique enough with my near death. I am guessing he was a Dr, and a speaker who flew there for a talk that he was giving. I said that I am still trying to figure out which points to bring up that would help others grow in their own life. Here a few ideas of what I may discuss in my "broken voice" that will hopefully not convey pity but fearlessness in the near future.

Wewurukannala Vihara Temple

WAS ONCE'S Healing Hints:

— There are no guarantees in life or birthrights for that matter.

— When bad things happen don't compound them by taking on blame or assigning it to others, for that matter. Still working on this one.
— Turn “why me?” to “why not, me?” That took me at least a year!

— Raise your goals. When don't meet them, use them to inspire you for the following day.

— Believe it or not…you may have to use “making others happy” to access your own healing. That will become obvious with time.

—Examine your thinking at every level, even a slight negative mind state will become a cesspool of misery. (This lead me to meditation)

— Relaxing is the greatest skill you could learn in this lifetime.(learned from an ex-monk)

— Fall in love with your illness or disease. If that doesn’t work then fall in love with the wisdom you have gathered from it. I got to that point in a few years, that I now longer wanted my old life back.
— Be grateful for those that reject you, but be forever indebted to those that stick around.

— Admit your failures or laugh at them.(Jump start it by laughing at your past egocentric perfections)

— TRY EVERYTHING, it will eventually trigger the hope energy to blossom, and give you more reasons to continue thus allowing more healing. Let go of things that “should” work, and move on…we are each a unique being with a mish-mash of life experiences.
— Stop comparing yourself to others perceived as “bette” than you and actually see how lucky you are. You obviously are still here because you have more to learn before you die.

— No one will fully understand your suffering, flip it ...try to understand others suffering or just be quiet and observe.

all four photos were shot by my partner, soon to be my husband

Wisdom, Caught Me Blaming

A Galle Sweep

When I wrote Trusting Again ...to Resolve Old Issues, I wove my father’s influence into the story, when in fact the whole experience had nothing to do with the past. It may have made it interesting, but it was made up as far as his influence, but not what occurred. He never came up, and although I learned some of my reactions from him this was about as far removed from anything he said or did. Instead of just living things as they are, and learning from them… I deflected. Of course, one of the precepts addressing false speech combined with my natural wisdom, it began to feel like I need to address this before moving on. Blaming others, will never produce the wisdom I so desire, so this was announcing its ignorance in a kind of achy way. Ironically, that is when I came upon a great Dalai Lama quote, “When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.” Perhaps, I was ready to listen. 

Siddharta
shows me his Yoga moves

 Hopefully, I can now proceed with the wisdom that everything that I encounter and thus experience is my own doing. In the case of that Tuk-Tuk driver, I ignored early signs that he was not truthful hoping for a local connection while there that could help me with my decision to buy or not. He did serve a purpose to steer me away from buying there and for this I am grateful, but it certainly was not his intention. As we travel through life regardless of how many family members and friends we have we are really solo... and at times it can be more pronounced. So, I ought to use that time to really feel things out and let the wisdom naturally come to the surface. Any sadness I had about the outcome was first built around pity for him and then feeling alone again with my decision. This probably led me to blame. Still running for that wisdom bus.

Bambi Bus

Sri Lanka Photos of Fire

Buddha Contemplating Stages of the Body

A Fiery Sri Lankan Sunset

Land of Many Beeps, Ceylon

Buddha In Sri Lanka, Dickwela, Wewurukannala Vihara temple

 Spending a month in Sri Lanka, with few plans bordering around an old desire to find a house and live here. We know that dreams are meant to be broken, and after careful consideration of what is now available, and with law changes it looks like for me this would be foolish.I also had a firm talking to by a Sri Lankan friend, plus met a couple who's friend lost the house she owned for ten years to a Sri Lankan renter, plus all her lawyer fees here.  Surely I could rent here cheaply and walk away with less a stake. As a walking ATM unless I lived in a secluded place, I would be subjected to friendly inquiries constantly with the hopes of gathering some loose money I had. This proved to be a difficult harassment for a damaged brain with aphasia. I could smile and be fun too only for about 4 hours or less hours a day, then it became overwhelming input. If I rest and nap daily I could manage all day, but it took it all out of me.

 Large Buddha at Wewurukannala Vihara temple

My partner came here for 8 days leave to join me, and when He started back, I amended plans to see less, and settle in a southern, nearly empty beach resort to rest before coming back to our condo in Bangkok. I could stay another month here to explore, but it seems selfish to my partner, who likes to have me around for the illusion of safety. I can return next trip here, but the island is changing like all things, and with their new airport in the south, this empty place off season will be full of Europeans on less expensive Emirates flights. This resort is in the middle of construction, some parts show tsunami damage, coconut palm trees severed or laying down nearly flat and still growing. I canoed yesterday late afternoon in a long sea fed lagoon as the sole person, far away I saw a local  fisherman, I avoided his nets and let him be.

I have explored nearby, and might hop on a bus to see a bit further away, a quiet beach-port with a famous temple near the sea built to mark where a ancient queen came ashore after being cast to the sea. Great time to see now that it is off season, and with more peace of my damaged brain. Still when explained what happened to my speech, no one has the faintest idea how difficult input is to me, especially mass input that you can filter easily to wanted vs. unwanted. I would cease all speech and write, but it is hard to so on buses and dealing with getting things done with many things in hand.

Dreams Across Oceans

What happens when you have a late dinner of home made curry, and go to sleep less than two hours later? Dreams that consist of a fantastic muddling of things experienced and wanted. I even fell back to sleep twice to continue the journey, and it was not difficult to resume the same “film.” Often I am able to do this, with a strong intent. I generally have interesting dreams, and a couple of them reappear to entertain me. One is going to a far away town on the water with handsome colonial style architecture, and I can see the island a mile off shore I want to go to again. Often I hike to the grassy knoll and say with a sense of relief, “There it is!” like I am trying to show somebody. Now I know this is a combination of Trinidad and Tobago and Sri Lanka places I have been before, but like all dreams it is a mismatch of ideas and feelings. It never appears to me to be unattainable or frustrating, but a true expression of what I know and want. There is a sense of love and understanding, and I wish I could write better about this. I would like to spin these dreams into a short story. Like the time I had a old right hand wheel jeep with a friend tooling around Tobago, and it the middle of nowhere in the rain and mud we got stuck. We made it out later, by just being calm and trying everything we knew of, just in time to watch a sunset on the opposite side of the island. So I have plenty of experiences to pull dreams from, places seen, love found and lost, full of hope and expectations to be met.