Unbinding, For a Start

Some Sri Lankan's can't swim. Maybe they never want to leave.

While in the process of healing it became obvious that I had to work on healing the dark parts of my soul, so that I could possibly help others as well as myself. And one good way would be to share my story in a public venue. I tried a little, back when I volunteered with post stroke therapy in a hospital in the process of answering questions of those curious.  A few patients and/or their families were appreciative, but after a while I began to see clients and almost immediately tell who do will do well and who would not.  A mixture of both their ability or inability to accept this new change and who came or did not of their family or caregivers. I quit when it became painful to see. But I did some winners and great families step up like mine did. Meanwhile, I raised my own standards, as more personal flaws became known to me, and set off working on them. 

Just a little history to point me the need to tell my story, and points to interconnectedness of people where a single incident of delight can trigger others.

I was in a jovial mood after Sri Lanka(thinking of seeing my partner after a 2nd trip solo) and making connections both with the security and a man who both happened to see my Buddha amulet once I took it from out of my shirt to show that it was no weapon when I was individually patted down. All the security were very happy to find out I am Buddhist(or more correct, I try to follow the Buddhist path), and then I showed them on my phone a photo of me when I ordained in Thailand. Instantly, I felt like I just got accepted into a big family, and everyone came to look. One gentleman who was a witness to this as well, wrote on a card of a monk and temple I need to go and meditate in when I return.  As well, when I arrived there three weeks earlier, the staff of Sri Lankan Airline's offered me a ride in their van to the local bus stop, even though the bus stops there, just a friendly goodwill offering to beat the rain that was soon going to follow. The new airport in Hambantota made me really not want to leave, I guess because more goodwill incidents kept happening.

All these special moments really do make one happier, setting off a chain reaction and thus when I arrived in Bangkok I was caring their good will in my heart. I chatted up one man waiting in the skytrain and he ignored me(possibly language reason), then quickly on to another who was Sikh trying to use a famous voice(Snatam Kaur) as a way to break the ice. There was no wall of separation between us as with most strangers. Yes, of course he had heard of her and seen her sing live. Although she was not needed, this particular gentleman had a clear heart and thus launched us into almost an hour long conversation. And this is how I return to the need to share my story, which we had talked about on the ride. He planted a seed. That it is and was unique enough with my near death. I am guessing he was a Dr, and a speaker who flew there for a talk that he was giving. I said that I am still trying to figure out which points to bring up that would help others grow in their own life. Here a few ideas of what I may discuss in my "broken voice" that will hopefully not convey pity but fearlessness in the near future.

Wewurukannala Vihara Temple

WAS ONCE'S Healing Hints:

— There are no guarantees in life or birthrights for that matter.

— When bad things happen don't compound them by taking on blame or assigning it to others, for that matter. Still working on this one.
— Turn “why me?” to “why not, me?” That took me at least a year!

— Raise your goals. When don't meet them, use them to inspire you for the following day.

— Believe it or not…you may have to use “making others happy” to access your own healing. That will become obvious with time.

—Examine your thinking at every level, even a slight negative mind state will become a cesspool of misery. (This lead me to meditation)

— Relaxing is the greatest skill you could learn in this lifetime.(learned from an ex-monk)

— Fall in love with your illness or disease. If that doesn’t work then fall in love with the wisdom you have gathered from it. I got to that point in a few years, that I now longer wanted my old life back.
— Be grateful for those that reject you, but be forever indebted to those that stick around.

— Admit your failures or laugh at them.(Jump start it by laughing at your past egocentric perfections)

— TRY EVERYTHING, it will eventually trigger the hope energy to blossom, and give you more reasons to continue thus allowing more healing. Let go of things that “should” work, and move on…we are each a unique being with a mish-mash of life experiences.
— Stop comparing yourself to others perceived as “bette” than you and actually see how lucky you are. You obviously are still here because you have more to learn before you die.

— No one will fully understand your suffering, flip it ...try to understand others suffering or just be quiet and observe.

all four photos were shot by my partner, soon to be my husband

It Was Never About You

A boy patiently waits until I finish an hour of
meditation in the hopes of money

My friend in Tangalle,
puts his niece to sleep with music

School boy proudly shows his whites
had made it through a school day

This trip was another good learning lesson. It is to easy to feel like a victim when the scams are numerous, and everyone has their hand out, some blatantly, others very sly so much so they catch off you off guard. It was not that I was an easy target, but instead about the potential I represented for more income. Everyone is struggling to cope with rising costs, and to think that you are the only one is ridiculous. Fuel is higher price there than in Thailand. At times it did become more one thing to deal with when a brain injury can be enough. 

Stopped to give all the kids pens in Uva province

I did not shy away from giving dana at temples and taking interest in others and trying not to turn off, even when it became overwhelming. A couple of funny instances, like when the boy waited for me to finish meditation, only to offer himself at a price. After which it was the furthest from my mind, so I might have appeared puzzled to him yet showed some interest since I had just photographed him, but such is life.

Village Moms sell me kola kanda drink
 

Another time, when I gave dana at The Temple of The Tooth, and talked to the help, I got lots of privileges once they found out that I am Buddhist. I went behind the ropes to pay respect to Buddha. I got a special showing of a deck overlooking the lake, and when the man asked me if I am married…I told the truth about having a friend, and he then offered himself which became awkward, with his naiveté about gay life and commitment. But such is the truth, and a well meaning smile defused the situation, so as not to offend.

It became obvious more and more that when I felt put upon to immediately think of others, buying mass quantities of pens for school kids, and chocolate to give along the road and train tracks. Yes, villagers come to watch the once a day train in the hills. Many people were interested in me as a foreigner, and curiosity was not always based on need for money.  I would take the time with people along my travels to tell me about their life and family.  I would keep my spirits up by planning on giving gifts of dhamma books in Sinhalese and people then opened up further. I tried not to take my goals as first and foremost, and ended up missing things to be with people, which made the trip more real.

My 3 wheel driver took me to see his kids playing soccer

A donation at Nun's Vihara near Tangalle

A king coconut vendor daughter
enjoys the chocolate I gave her

When a tuk-tuk driver I met in Tangalle, took a liking to me based on my face being similar to cricket star and we bonded under these odd circumstances. When at times, I tired to clarify me and what were my desires or fears…. it became an instant wake up about this theme…it was never about you. What is in my mind has absolutely nothing to do about others perceive you. Some people may offer something different from what you desired, but it is what they needed. In many instances it is done with innocence or plain old curiosity. And even some might be just be a clever way to get you to part with your money, as can expected. My partner said something important to me after we got charged double for dinner, “So what? It is just money, and does not justify a bad mood.” My perceived suffering at any given moment is never worthy to be shared, and I would at times have enough sense to put it away and to think of others.

This was the same driver upon getting to know me, took me to a small Buddhist Nun’s Vihara just in time to see a van full of villagers bringing dana and their meal at 11 am.  And later cooked a dinner for me, things that would have been missed if I had my armor on as I used to do.

Siddhartha shows off his
Yoga knowledge

At the beach the waiters out of boredom would come talk to me, and I would it turn engage and share my knowledge about dhamma. So it was about their needs, and not about my need to just chill out, after going for three weeks moving around. The help would rarely engage in guests, unless the guests engage with them, so I had a new group of friends telling me about the lives and dreams. And I feel we can create our present reality even with suffering, awakening in the process(that took me awhile). I do see a huge change in my responses this time as opposed to the person that visited 10 years ago. I am by no means perfect, and yet can see the gifts of really being present with emotions even with an unseen brain injury.

A store owner in Haputale proudly stands by his wares

Land of Many Beeps, Ceylon

Buddha In Sri Lanka, Dickwela, Wewurukannala Vihara temple

 Spending a month in Sri Lanka, with few plans bordering around an old desire to find a house and live here. We know that dreams are meant to be broken, and after careful consideration of what is now available, and with law changes it looks like for me this would be foolish.I also had a firm talking to by a Sri Lankan friend, plus met a couple who's friend lost the house she owned for ten years to a Sri Lankan renter, plus all her lawyer fees here.  Surely I could rent here cheaply and walk away with less a stake. As a walking ATM unless I lived in a secluded place, I would be subjected to friendly inquiries constantly with the hopes of gathering some loose money I had. This proved to be a difficult harassment for a damaged brain with aphasia. I could smile and be fun too only for about 4 hours or less hours a day, then it became overwhelming input. If I rest and nap daily I could manage all day, but it took it all out of me.

 Large Buddha at Wewurukannala Vihara temple

My partner came here for 8 days leave to join me, and when He started back, I amended plans to see less, and settle in a southern, nearly empty beach resort to rest before coming back to our condo in Bangkok. I could stay another month here to explore, but it seems selfish to my partner, who likes to have me around for the illusion of safety. I can return next trip here, but the island is changing like all things, and with their new airport in the south, this empty place off season will be full of Europeans on less expensive Emirates flights. This resort is in the middle of construction, some parts show tsunami damage, coconut palm trees severed or laying down nearly flat and still growing. I canoed yesterday late afternoon in a long sea fed lagoon as the sole person, far away I saw a local  fisherman, I avoided his nets and let him be.

I have explored nearby, and might hop on a bus to see a bit further away, a quiet beach-port with a famous temple near the sea built to mark where a ancient queen came ashore after being cast to the sea. Great time to see now that it is off season, and with more peace of my damaged brain. Still when explained what happened to my speech, no one has the faintest idea how difficult input is to me, especially mass input that you can filter easily to wanted vs. unwanted. I would cease all speech and write, but it is hard to so on buses and dealing with getting things done with many things in hand.

Two Slices of Pie

It is evening, I stare out the window of the plane and I catch my reflection since the cabin lights were on. I look thin and ragged, and I can see the homemade bib I have on to absorb the drool because it is white. It ain't pretty, but it is something, so I laugh. I recall being confused the first week of rehab as to why do I drool a lot more. What really happened? No one really told me thinking I would give up on the spot, I guess. But, they don't really know me. We “stole” the towels from the hospital, when the Dr. frowned at me walking around drooling by the front desk. Putting two holes in them and used a shoelace to tie it on, making several. It served a dual purpose, I could tie my stomach tube to it to keep it high, so I don’t lose all my precious liquid “dinner” on the road.  Am no longer embarrassed wearing it. I have lost 30 lbs in a way I could never imagine, and I am coming home from the hospital. My partner, at the time, will pick my brother and I up from the airport. It feels very awkward, knowing that my brother needs on get on with his life. My whole world has been turned upside down, and we know time moves forward whether you are on board or not.... it has now been 8 weeks and I still can’t talk or even eat. Walking sort of Charlie Chaplin like, hitting things with my left side. Luckily, I can't feel it.

A limo driver is waiting for us, and I am so embarrassed. Is it because I look like hell?  No, It is more about the waste of money.  The same money that I gave him and is never worth it but my partner arranged for this. I should be happy it is done out of love, but it reminded me of being nursed to death. It points to what is wrong in our relationship, and this seems a continuation of drama of us seeing the world in different ways. But I can’t even pop the champagne they had in the car. I did not know yet, that I could pour alcohol down my stomach tube …that would come later. I would have been happier just grabbing a bus and rail back home, it would feel like more progress.

Ten years pass…

A jet is landing in Bangkok, raining like hell, lightening seen through the streaked windows with the landing gear lights on, we are landing after an exciting three weeks in Sri Lanka. This is our second trip. My life partner and I are talking about what we liked this trip, trying to gloss over the fact that I will continue on upon landing, parting yet again.  Luckily we don’t cry when we kiss and say goodbye in private, knowing polite Thai society.  Our “honeymoon” was in Hong Kong, two years previously and it had really cemented our relationship. I am just beginning to learn from him. We were working towards common goals, even separated by a huge ocean. That was his first international flight, to start to fill his passport with stamps. He so wisely applied for it just before we met solely with dreams of travel. The plane is almost ready to touch ground when suddenly it is jerked severely up to the sky again in what feels like 30°, warning announcements are heard on the PA and we are close enough to hear the cockpit warning beeps. This is bad, too many factors are involved.  Worriedly, my partner looks at me with which is unlike him, and I reassure him that this is normal procedure and probably a plane was on our landing strip. I am trying to hide my fear to make him feel better, but this rapid ascent is way beyond anything I have ever experienced. The passengers are all quiet, but if they would scream we would hardly hear them as the engine sounds are so deafening. Thinking, we might die now, and never have to say goodbye. That’s a plus…. and then the plane banks left and levels out. I exhale and think, not yet...we had plans.

The Hidden Buddha

The day after a full day of meditation that brings the Buddha out of you. I was much more calm and even tempered and quite relaxed. I am always reminded in a good way to keep doing it, seeing slight progress nearly every time. Today, I answered a posting by a woman who wanted to know what to do with her life and was open to suggestions. I told her about a Japanese woman I met with my partner while traveling. She was alone traveling all over S.E. Asia writing a blog and getting financial support by Japanese men at home to timid to do what she did as a woman. It brings me to the point that we have a lot more freedom to do whatever we want in life and often feel hampered by our own mind. Is it the fear of change? Or, trying to be so safe we often miss out on the fun and exciting things this world has to offer. The simple fact of leaving our own little world is very liberating. I used to joke, looking at the carpet in someone's house..."No, I'll just follow the path!"

House of Dreams

If I am lucky, some nights I have a long sleep full of dreams. Filled with versions of my real life, both past and present. Traveling to places I have been or want to go to, or even a house I want to live in. I find myself laughing or being amazed while participating in the dream. Waking up, I try to figure out where I am and what was real. The act of putting your feet on the floor solidifies reality and then I go to make coffee. Your mind created this and the waking world can be just like this, too. I meditated at the gym before a yoga class, in a room full of noise and activity. That helps me to get better. Stopping as soon as the class started. Opening my eyes, I saw the teacher. Who would ever believe it was taught by a show tunes/modern dancer substitute? Why be upset the regular teacher was not there? I just continued the dream while being present in every move. Of course, he knows how to stretch from dancing days, so it was based mostly on this. It was very different experience, ending up in Savasana(corpse pose) on the floor, hearing some wailing show tune. But it beats sitting at home, wondering if you had enough coffee or not.