The 4th 30-day Vipassana – Wisdom Creeps In

Hardly a mature Vipassana student with my brain injury making concentration difficult for me, I can at least say they are some positive changes that I notice with wisdom more firmly seated. It is important for me to say this wisdom is NOT intellectual knowledge, but experiential and once seated impermanence of everything is apparent.

I am usually out walking a lot after meals or after mind storms, and even using the pagoda stairs as my stair-master, but on day 2, I decided this is all too agitating, if I want to maintain as much concentration as I can. Instead, I would either clean up the men’s dorms, rest or even sit an hour earlier than scheduled full from lunch until I needed rest, 1 ½ hours later. The wisdom signs I noted, were doubts arising and falling way faster, impermanence, Ah ha. I also attributed partly to the fact that if I quit and leave what path will I attempt next? This made it seem like a foolish idea if I reflect how far I have come, since I have already seen personality changes, and a better easier home-life. Other signs were when the mind-storms arise and have some steam, I was able to name them as craving or aversion and thus quietly let the steam out and they would fade out way faster. It did not mean, the mind-storms would necessary not have any kick, but they definitely would end way faster then previous years. I also noted that when I could not resolve them in a sit or a short walk to the bathroom and instead finally lay down, if I did fall asleep I would download one craving or aversion sankara(mental defilement) and then quickly awaken refreshed. That was new for sure and it became more and more obvious what was happening.

The few things that I should do to improve my concentration especially in anapana would be to wear a hoodie, to keep my wandering eyes down(eyes and ears are enhanced since I lost my speech the first few years with my brain injury as a compensation). It may be interesting for you readers that any loss with an injury, the body tries to compensate. Losing my left side and facial sensory nerves, and thus its proprioception lead my eyes to take care of it, instead of it happening in my brain. So this means that in order to walk and not have my left leg or arm hit anything, the eyes determined their location in space. This does not play very well when you are trying keep the mind concentrated watching the breath which in turn allows you to pin-point body sensations while you scan in a sit. I have yet to meet anyone with a simple stroke who I can compare my bi-lateral experience with. Things like focusing on the area below the nose and above the upper lip in anapana when you lost all your facial sensory nerves is very challenging, and yet on day 26 I finally felt “ants crawling” there. This can lead to losing concentration way easier than normal people. I tried writing the AT(teacher) about this, but after awhile even that seemed foolish because what could he do but send metta(loving kindness) my way same as person in the outside world. Impermanence was no longer just a concept, but actual observed reality in many forms. Another thing is being as inconspicuous as one can be, to not disturb others concentration. Awareness takes many forms. Seeing my post sit notes this time over previous 30-day sits, and building on this newly found wisdom. Combined with observed pain and pleasant sensations moving around, with even more concentration than last time. This actually reinforced my devotion and appreciation for the wisdom of Buddha. Thank you again all my dhamma brothers, some of which sat every year with me.

Fruits from my Third 30-day Vipassana

Offerings, give to get idea

After our trip to Sri Lanka, I got a last minute email from being wait-listed for my third 30-day Vipassana. I knew that it would be hard again for my partner, so I sat on the email for 24 hours, asking him when it was a good time to do so. So, when he said Ok, I confirmed and said good-bye for another month, and he stoically said to me, “don’t cry”. It was not like I have done this many times before, but I did not want him to feel that it was done to punish him. Off I went in April, better prepared mentally for what I about to do, more training of the mind.

Things fall into Place

It became pretty obvious, that this being the third time I felt like I could sit through “storms” of the mind, instead of feeling like I had to go walk it off. Most all sleepiness, instead of being laziness was purely a consequence of morning and lunch time digestion falling like clock-work at exactly the same time. Even though I ate lightly. I only missed one sit in 30 days in the hall or my cell, when the weather was stormy and sat in my room, but have always felt like the room sit was far less productive then the cell or the hall. Believe me, the cell is only you with all your mind stuff, the hall less so, but there it has the power of having many others sitting or the knowledge of having sat there in the past.

Real, but artistic rendering

On day 14, I had a worry storm hit my mind and spun on it for several hours, even feeling like I wanted to go. Later in our final sit of the day at 8-9pm, I got into a zone in my cell, and did not hear the final gong. At 9:40 pm a man who was further down in the pagoda, snapped his fingers, as a sign it was time to go. I left and returned to my room and my whole left side which is numb from my brain injury was vibrating amazingly. I just watched it for two hours until I fell asleep, knowing everything is impermanent. This was more a sign of enough brain(what I have left, HA!) concentration to power up the nerves that are still there. But later in the 30-days, when worry mind came up again, I had enough wisdom to recognize and release it immediately. This came from a felt sense that nothing comes from worry except mental distress.

Upon returning, it became obvious to me and my partner that more and more of my anger has subsided. If I do get angry, it doesn’t stay around long. He detailed how much I have changed and yet, I know I am still a work-in-progress. What was really the fruit of this sit, was seeing my partner join me in about one half of my evening sits, without asking or prodding. This was remarkable, because even though Buddha’s wisdom is born into him as a suffering Thai and his history as a monk at age 13 for a year…surprisingly, he has never meditated with me in our 17 years. I still let him decide when to do it, but I continue two hours a day, one hour at 5am, and the other around 7pm.

Some takeaways for those contemplating a 10-day for the first time is to just let your base intention be to want a happier life that will guide you through your own rough spots. As each hour, each day and every meditation is slightly different...so go with your flow. Your hindrances are very different than mine, and the great thing is you are teaching yourself through awareness with a path laid out by Buddha.

Everything Falls into Place on the Path — 30 Days

In five short years of doing Vipassana, both serving and sitting …I finally sat a 30-day quicker than I thought. This was after hearing of one by a fellow after we sat a 10-day together in 2012. I guess he just planted a seed in me, and after seeing some gradual changes it arrived almost at my feet in April. It was more like the path chose me instead of the other way around. By the time most people sit a 30-day, they are firmly locked on Vipassana path, but as a Bhikkhuni(who ordained after 3 of the 10-day vipassanas) told me, it is as good as any other as long as it works for you. I am thinking I should stop trying to explain my path, and just sit the 2 hours a day, and continue to serve and sit. It has enabled me to evolve in relationship to become less of the problem when things are difficult, which can happen in any relationship. Time is short, and bouncing around trying to find a path that suits all of your changing needs will leave you empty upon your death. For those that don't know one is training the mind to accept all impermanence with equanimity which brings true happiness.

When I arrived 4 days earlier for my 30 day, to meet the trust that helps to run my center and to later do service work to prep for the course in a last minute chaos.. which is fine, but with my aphasia some residuals can carry for days. On day 3 during my interview with the teacher, he mistakenly attributed it to not sitting enough in preparation for the course(requirements at least 2 years, 2 hours a day). Instead of correcting him on my disability, I knew I would settle and did so in a day, and he was witness to it. Also with disability and total numbness on left side, I was still able to scan that part of my body accessing internal sensations like blood flow and pain in joints, not governed by sensory nerves on the surface of my body which is severely lacking. I can still cut myself on my left side of body, unaware of any pain... even today. For those with a normal body, don't freak...a mind/body can adapt to injury and have a meaningful life!

It was good to be able to sit with Assistant Teachers and older wiser sangha members who all sat in front of me in the hall during the evening sits. We were on our own to sit in the Pagoda cells, Dhamma Hall, or our rooms, and usually by 4:20 am after a thermos of tea, I was parked in my cell. Later in the course, when knees were hurting, I would sit in a chair until the chanting started in the Dhamma Hall, and move quietly to the floor. I was very honored to see Dhamma workers serving the whole course who have not sat a 30-day, so they get 3 hours a day, and usually have to bust their butts to get it all done since being short staffed. With their hard work they get more merit and faster wisdom in my opinion when utilizing dhamma in action in day-to-day life.

I quickly had to drop any concerns with my partner and home life duties in order to get on with accessing deeper sankaras, whether thought based or sensation based. I saw reoccurring thought patterns creating more misery than solving anything at all.What was remarkable to me was the length of the course allowed one to see rising and passing of anger, sadness, doubt, and even happiness with clear distinct breaks of nothingness when the body brought up even deeper held delusions. It, for me, did seem to be an arduous process overall. On Day 23, in the morning sit after breakfast anger came again, I went for my usual walk around between that first sit and second sit after breakfast, running the anger through my mind as a sign as to whether this was the right path for me, which means doubt was following ever so closely. I saw it so clearly, that I found myself laughing and relaxing even further. It was anger in its shortest form of about two hours, and I wasn’t even sure if based on thoughts or body sensations. It did not really matter, but the wisdom held in the “back-forty” of the mind just directed me to continue sitting, never attempting to run away. As stated by Geonka, "Through continued practice of Vipassana, the habit pattern of the mind to react with anger is changed." Right about then is when gratitude for Buddha and his teachings, and others that have helped me on the path were recollected. As I have told friends and fellow sitters that “gratitude tears” were the only ones shed in the whole 30-days. One could see several points where if one was not fully committed to this path, and of not sound mind could crack on past sufferings recounted. I do believe that even but having the minimum requirements for such a serious sit, that one would have burned off any gross delusions much like I have done. I did not totally experience Bhavana, but was being cultivated (the cessation of suffering) which then leads one to Nibbana, but let things happen at their own time, not expecting or demanding. Never disappointed or depressed about the whole experience and in fact was kind of surprised when we could talk again that seemed too fast. I write this to encourage others with serious brain injury, that this can help tremendously although not a quick fix. I use no drugs, nor alcohol and even stopped taking other the counter allergy pills. One does not do Vipassana to run away, but rather to look closely at one's own self-created misery. I know my family has no real idea of what I do or the path, but hopefully they will experience a change in me that I feel.

I am most certainly not a Buddha but am experiencing a lighter and lighter self, an enlightenment of sorts. There has been many payoffs on this path, but it can be subtle at times, but reaffirming enough to keep one meditating. I will, of course, serve more and plan on a 45 day within 2 years, and would definitely sit a 30 day again. It was relaxing in a way, not having a cell phone, internet, etc. ending any self-importance we carry, and when you return you find out that life carries on without you just fine. That alone allows one to concentrate on training the mind to see craving and aversion clearly and thus bringing more equanimity. That same equanimity I used to think was just boredom with all life has to offer, good and bad, since as I was firmly hooked on passion. It really was just wisdom, before I was aware.