With a New Mind comes New Mood

I used to be pretty pessimistic, always finding what is wrong in the world. I would scan my surroundings, first finding what is wrong in virtually anything to make me feel better, even to the point of making it a strong point in my career. I learned this from my father who saw the unpleasantness in the world, making his feelings it into art. This never made him happy nor did it work for me. When I kept seeing well-adjusted people content with their lives, even under stress, coming out O.K. I pondered with a puzzled mind if those people were born under a golden moon. Longing, even at early age, for peace and acceptance with whatever comes, instead of taking everything as a personal attack.

So, finally wisdom arrived when I started to meditate many years ago, leading up to my current practice of two hours a day. Currently, with the virus pandemic, I will miss my yearly 30-day Vipassana. But, I can rest easy with all my sessions of NeuraSonic, that I have done in the past and now with his current downloads of easy one hour sessions… I can still peel deeper layers of traumas, some laid down recently with the chaos of the moment, stuck at home, wondering if there will ever be a normal world. With my new mind and an equanimous mood, I look at the beautiful clouds and sky produced by less pollution of cars and planes with wonder and those gentle waves of body chills start.

Healing the Root Cause of Your Misery ...First

While my partner works hard at editing our photo memories of travel to make books, I wanted to talk about the importance of spiritual and emotional healing to allow your body to heal the best it can from anything. Be it a broken ankle, an abusive upbringing, or a brand-new cancer diagnosis. It's in my experience that the more the body/mind is fully open to heal to what ever comes your way, the more you heal in ways that are not always physical and more spiritual(not in any particular named faith). This complete holistic approach, facilitate to the most complete healing of what ails you and making it an ongoing affair...that is no-limits in time.
I went to a therapist after a job loss, one year after I bought my first house alone which brought up all kinds of things. Probably the second time of seeing and talking to the therapist, and reliving the strain of my alcoholic father as a child, who I also lost 2 years before the job loss, some small wisdom starting creeping in. This therapist is going to have to make me feel comfortable with change, either by crying it out or talking it out, but it is ultimately up to me to change.  At first because my wisdom was very weak, what came up first was I will save money and just quit going to see her. I did not know how and I wasn’t cured or had less anger/sadness. Instead, I just plowed through life as best as I could until my near death and bi-lateral strokes which happened just three years after my job loss. After I started my own business to gain my control over my life I later found out that anything you “do”  with any external circumstances, does not bring wisdom internally. I had a ton of traumas to deal with, and certainly no more than anyone else, but it was time.

 

One really has to dig deep to unveil what is your motivation with or during any change.

The payoff can be amazing with wisdom sometimes trickling in slowly even while the path to emotional and spiritual well-being can be quite long. My own path, small meditations and later after my first 10-day Vipassana, II could see I was not wise by any means... I did see the exposure of quite a bit of what I was holding on to and carrying around inside of myself.  This led to my yearly holiday bronchitis attack that I usually suffered through … end just like that.  The beginning of a meditation practice I had started after realizing that doing the same old things and expecting a different outcome was the definition of ignorance. I needed to change something and now, I had someone that it was important to keep.  I saw after a year and half of practice I could see anger arising a few times, and get an extra second in time where I could decide or not whether to explode and figure out what would be a better outcome. This led me to wanting to pursue not healing my medical nightmare but instead healing what can be the root of what is holding me back from healing the body the best that I can. It can take many different methods to facilitate your spiritual and emotional healing and I am in no way saying mine is the best way, but it is an important key to healing this older body. Find the one that best suits your disposition. What do you really want besides healing? Happiness and mature growth, affecting all those around you making you a beacon?

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How the body and mind talk to one another to understand the world

This reprint I found it helps identify why Vipassana works, and how Tomatis helps people. How Vipassana helps you identify anger in the body sensations, way before it expresses itself in words or actions. With Tomatis it helps removes the traumas which are stuck which may throw one into repeated anger or sadness over and over, based on that stuck feeling from way in the past. Seeing the sensations at the root level or even removing traumas altogether, will free one up tremendously from false physical signals, perhaps.— Was Once

Have you ever been startled by someone suddenly talking to you when you thought you were alone? Even when they apologise for surprising you, your heart goes on pounding in your chest. You are very aware of this sensation. But what kind of experience is it, and what can it tell us about relations between the heart and the brain?
When considering the senses, we tend to think of sight and sound, taste, touch and smell. However, these are classified as exteroceptive senses, that is, they tell us something about the outside world. In contrast, interoception is a sense that informs us about our internal bodily sensations, such as the pounding of our heart, the flutter of butterflies in our stomach or feelings of hunger.
The brain represents, integrates and prioritises interoceptive information from the internal body. These are communicated through a set of distinct neural and humoural (ie, blood-borne) pathways. This sensing of internal states of the body is part of the interplay between body and brain: it maintains homeostasis, the physiological stability necessary for survival; it provides key motivational drivers such as hunger and thirst; it explicitly represents bodily sensations, such as bladder distension. But that is not all, and herein lies the beauty of interoception, as our feelings, thoughts and perceptions are also influenced by the dynamic interaction between body and brain.
The shaping of emotional experience through the body’s internal physiology has long been recognised. The American philosopher William James argued in 1892 that the mental aspects of emotion, the ‘feeling states’, are a product of physiology. He reversed our intuitive causality, arguing that the physiological changes themselves give rise to the emotional state: our heart does not pound because we are afraid; fear arises from our pounding heart. Contemporary experiments demonstrate the neural and mental representation of internal bodily sensations as integral for the experience of emotions; those individuals with heightened interoception tend to experience emotions with greater intensity. The anterior insula is a key brain area, processing both emotions and internal visceral signals, supporting the idea that this area is key in processing internal bodily sensations as a means to inform emotional experience. Individuals with enhanced interoception also have greater activation of the insula during interoceptive processing and enhanced grey-matter density of this area.
So what is enhanced interoception? Some people are more accurate than others at sensing their own internal bodily sensations. While most of us are perhaps aware of our pounding heart when we are startled or have just run for the bus, not everyone can accurately sense their heartbeats when at rest. Interoceptive accuracy can be tested in the lab; we monitor physiological signals and measure how accurately these can be detected. Historically, research has focused on the heart, as these are discrete signals that can easily be quantified. For example, a typical experiment might involve the presentation of a periodic external stimulus (eg, an auditory tone) that is time-locked to the heartbeat, such that each tone (‘beep’) occurs when the heart is beating, or in between heartbeats. Participants state whether this external stimulus is synchronous or asynchronous with their own heart. An individual’s interoceptive accuracy is an index of how well they are able to do this.
It is also possible to measure subjective indices of how accurate people think they are at detecting internal bodily sensations, ascertained via questionnaires and other self-report measures. My work shows that individuals can be interoceptively accurate (ie, good at these heartbeat-perception tests) without being aware that they are. In this way, interoceptive signals can guide and inform without fully penetrating conscious awareness.
Individual differences in interoception can also be investigated using brain-imaging methods, such as through brain representation of afferent signals (eg, heartbeat-evoked potentials expressed in a neural EEG signal). Functional neuroimaging (fMRI) can also be used to investigate which areas of the brain are more active when focusing on an interoceptive signal (eg, the heart) relative to an exteroceptive signal (eg, an auditory tone).
Our hearts do not beat regularly and, while we can identify that our hearts race with fear or exercise, we might not fully appreciate the complexity of the temporal structure underlying our heartbeats. For example, cardiac signatures are also associated with states such as anticipation. Waiting for something to happen can cause our heartrate to slow down: this will happen at traffic lights, when waiting for them to go green. These effects of anticipation, potentially facilitating the body and mind to adopt an action-ready-state, highlight the meaningful composition of internal bodily signals.
Internal bodily signals can be deeply informative, which is why sensing them can provide an extra channel of information to influence decisionmaking. Gut instinct or intuition during a card game can also be guided by interoception. Bodily signatures (heart rate, skin-conductance response) can signal which cards are good (ie, more likely to be associated with a positive outcome) even in the absence of conscious knowledge that a card is good. Thus, the heart ‘knows’ what the mind does not yet realise, and access to this bodily signature can guide intuitive decisionmaking to a better outcome. In a real-world extrapolation of this, I visited the London Stock Exchange to work with high-frequency traders. These traders claimed that their decisions were often driven by gut instinct, when faced with fast-coming information that the conscious brain could not yet fully process. My colleagues and I demonstrated that interoceptive accuracy was enhanced in those traders who were most adept at trading, potentially grounding their intuitive instincts in a capacity to sense informative changes in internal bodily signals.
An appreciation that bodily signals can guide emotion and cognition provides potential interoceptive mechanisms through which these processes can be disrupted. Alexithymia, defined as an impaired ability to detect and identify emotions, is associated with reduced interoceptive accuracy. Autistic individuals, who often have difficulty in understanding emotions, have also been shown to have impaired interoceptive accuracy. Neural representation of bodily signatures are altered in borderline personality disorder (also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder), and interventions designed to focus on the body, such as mindfulness, have been shown to reduce anxiety. Insight into the nature of these embodied mechanisms opens up potential avenues for further understanding and targeted intervention.
As well as telling us about our own emotions, our bodies respond to the joy, pain and sadness of others. Our hearts can race as loved ones experience fear, and our pupils can adopt a physiological signature of sadness in response to the sadness of others. If you pay attention to your heart and bodily responses, they can tell you how you are feeling, and allow you to share in the emotions of others. Interoception can enhance the depth of our own emotions, emotionally bind us to those around us, and guide our intuitive instincts. We are now learning just how much the way we think and feel is shaped by this dynamic interaction between body and brain.
Sarah Garfinkel
This article was originally published at Aeon and has been republished under Creative Commons.

Benefits of Sitting Daily

As I continue to sit daily for two hours, I wanted to share some of the benefits I see (and feel). The first thing is that with most conflicts, I am much more apt to just let go, and instead of making a point of being right, I will stop even in mid-anger or dissatisfaction and leave it all alone. Everything has its half-life, and will auto-resolve naturally in a way to please most participants as long as none hold on to what they want(usually held tight in mind).  Perhaps things won’t happen in time frame originally thought, but the outcome for all those involved will have less stress and more freedom.

I also noted that when I most serious about anything, later, it will relax fast when I see it clearly in one of my sits either morning or evening. This seriousness I notice in myself is when I am too invested in the personality… with all its stories. Postponing any idea of happiness in the present. So, I will introduce this freedom/happiness I am looking for, without any seriousness or conditions. One good reason to make this change is the wisdom that we never know when we will leave this life, and the foolishness of not enjoying every moment.

There are quite a few things that are less concrete to write about, but the people around me enjoy the freedom that I think I am allowing me. Many years ago I marveled at people who were like this, as if they had a privileged life. Certainly, others can’t relate to my brain injury's life complications, but being serious about things in life will never enlighten them, it will only burden them creating a sort of “Pig-Pen” cloud around me. Lift the cloud!

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Whatever Comes...Goes

A month ago, I wrote a long piece outlining my path as a gay man in hopes it would inspire others on the path. I realized after writing nearly three quarters of my life’s story that it was unique enough, not to inspire but to look more like a car wreck of twisted metal as one speeds down the freeway. So, in a way, the reader would not be able to see how the odds and ends added up to a need for wisdom in life by dragging them through my mud.
Most of the wisdom I have acquired is simply done when I transcend the mind full of worries, pre-conceived ideas, and a lot of anger. In my case, the daily sitting of two hours a day helps to see the anger and sadness built up that would normally surface at odd times usually unrelated to the actual circumstances. Transcending in the sense that you see what your mind is doing instead of reacting to things as they happen. Two hours per day, one hour at 5am and another around 7pm may seem like a lot, but one needs less sleep when you deal with things in the present moment.

The morning is hard one, to rise out of sleep, but it allows one to unload dream traumas, and thus makes the hour afterward when you crawl back in bed... very sound and void of worries. The evening sit disassembles the day’s toils and misunderstandings, which can happen for me with others, since I have a speech disability. The payoffs are not immediate, unless you have subtle recognition, but can be more pronounced after a year. I want to encourage the reader to sit even if it is only if for 10 minutes a day, and feel free to find someone who resonates wisdom for you.

A Little Preview

One of the requirements for a 30-day Vipassana, is to do one more 10-day after you do a 20-day. In a sign that this seems to be going in right direction was the fact that it was in a way far more “productive” in quickly finding sankaras …even as soon a Day 1. In a way, more deeper work was done at the 20-day than I previously thought which ending up being a good preview of the wisdom that comes out of Vipassana sits. And it flew by and I was home again, and signed for a 30-day in a way that was done, not really by me, but out of the wisdom that resides inside of being. That 10-day pulled up deeper sankaras, so when I was home again, I was shaken not stirred and exhibited some more agitation. Born out of training the mind, agitation comes out, because your old foundation of being and the m.o.a. of the old self is exposed. So, the 20-day is a test if this is right path for you. For me, it was.

The Great Undoing

One of the most significant outcomes of pursing a long retreat meditation path for me has been the gradual undoing of each firmly held idea I had of who or what I thought I was. I started slow, in a temple setting that provided 20 minutes before a teaching, and after a couple years did a 4 day with the same temple gang. Although there was a lot of teaching, and talking and in a casual setting, it pushed me to go further. Now, I am on for a 30 day Vipassana in April this year, after a five year foundation of 10-day Vipassanas. Here is a 6 minute film of the pagoda with cells. So with this practice, I quietly did my own ego busting, at first unknowingly. I had no indention to achieve awakening, but it had been shown to me by a monk's embodied presence, who ordained me in 2009. That there is some kind of internal wisdom one has, knowing that you can't return to the old way of existing, seeking distractions that draws your being to go sit again. The first spark was my brain injury, but it can be any life occurrence that shakes your foundation just enough to look closer.

It was slow, unraveling the stories I had of myself based on life circumstances alternating that with feeling compassion for family and wanting to fix them at first. It was a way of avoiding of really looking at myself. Of course with these ideas came tears in these sits while I was undoing my ideas and any wishes. Seeing anger arise in body sensations and finding its roots. Finally, losing the concept of control of what I thought I had, besides how you react. I can’t change anything outside of myself. 

This did leave me very raw when I returned. My heart was wide open after I grieved the past ideas and experiences, unable to seal it all back in. Who was I? …a man of purely of delusions carrying a heavy load of anger?  Just a few years ago, I had no hope that I would be living with my partner of 15 years, separated by an ocean, although his presence in my life was crucial for desiring some change, some more maturation. I also had it firmly planted in my mind that the most I wanted from life is not to die as a miserable old man wearing a mask of all the disappointments and none of the beauty. As I have stated before enlightenment for me, is the action of letting go…becoming lighter. Letting go that can only happen when you sit alone in a cell in darkness. It is kind of like having your hand in front of your face like a mirror, bouncing back all your bullshit. Looking ugly, you then slowly detach yourself from it in some ways. There is really only you….undoing hopefully arriving back to the place where we began. When I look in a mirror in the morning while shaving, now all I see is the mirror...not me.

When Fruits become Ripe

In a matter of time, all depending on how much you let go and your individual karma, begins to see fruit of your practice. I just sat another 10-day Vipassana, to qualify for my 30-day coming up. This one makes 8 of the 10-days, 3 of the Satipatthana courses, a 20-day with service work as well in the past 5 years. In this sit it quickly dove deeper to uncover more ancient mental formations, kind of deeper than the last 20-day I sat. I see why this is a requirement before a 30-day, one learns to download faster like it did or me on day 1. Appearing abstractly in dreams at night, but also bearing fruit when you are able to have enough equanimity in your sits. Unfolding naturally, especially when I stopped trying to run away in mind, or moving away in discomfort. I am not perfect, so the best I can be is more aware. I also made a firm intention not to plan to walk as much or do yoga to plan some mental icing on the cake for sitting for this 10-day at this time. I am beginning to know my mental tricks to run away from was right happening right now. This provided to allow me much more joy in dreams at night even abstractly based on fears and delusions. One dream, in particular, was my partner joking about my reactions to 4 windows broken out in my imaginary loft in a way in which he coaches me in real life. I laughed in the dream at how he is unaffected by my moods and quickly recovered to a more rational mind space.  I am well aware of how lucky I am in life to be with him. Also one day in my cell meditating, and obviously not occupying my body at this time we had an earthquake, and at first not knowing what it was that “threw” me back into my body, I was kind of disoriented until the aftershock occurred shortly afterward. Then I was thinking should I stay in my cell or not?... being back in the mind of fear, our normal state of me.

Now, this 10-day vipassana was also the clearest one, where I was there still the same person that I am at home. I was not running away, but running to who I am, and the knowledge that my wisdom gained from life and past sits guided me to uncover more or need to.  The residuals show me that me a little more has been retained when back home, but still being a work in progress with bi-lateral strokes and aphasia that makes normal take on a new meaning. Perhaps, I am now finally dropping the idea that anyone else can really know what is like to live in another’s body?

Often a Solitary Path

I went with my husband for coffee, and walking to the place I saw a homeless man, bent over his possessions digging looking for something. I could not see his face, but I used my gut instinct and I called him by name. He stood up and said, “How did you know it was me?” I have not seen him in 3 or 4 months, and introduced him to my husband for the first time and bought us all coffee. He said, “I wanted to go sit a 10-day like we talked about, I actually came back to see you, even though I was not planning on returning to the city.” I replied, you are in luck, since I am scheduled for one in February, and looked at the site to see if still open for men… it was. I thought while we are here I might as well give my cell instead of sending him to the library to register, and he did while we talked. I told him about my sister, and we talked about his sister who has cancer. I showed him her last post on FB, to let him know that as hard it was, she was in control of this exit plan, unlike most of her life living with schizophrenia. Later on, letting read him read a long, 13-page, wisdom piece by Anadi that I got by email that I find clear.

I am well aware that this will be a stretch if he gets it together and leaves on time with me, so it just may become another sign that one’s path is solitary. But, I still offered the ride to get him there and he knows I am dependable. When were talking, I said the reason I knew it was you, was because we all have an aura bigger than our physical form, and I did not have a “stranger” gut feeling when I walked by him, denoting it must be a friend even though he wore nothing I could have recognized him by. I “know” what every meeting has felt like with him, my body chronicles and knows way faster than my mind.

Traveling Grandparents See Snow

Tonight, I was making a cup of tea, and went to grab a chocolate, I could taste mint in the kitchen, even before I grabbed a piece that ended up to be mint from a huge box of mixed unmarked chocolates. I don’t what this means, especially since I have not had one that was mint since we opened the box a few days ago. But don't worry I won't take this as wisdom. What I do know is that... this path... I cannot even discuss most of it with my husband nor my family and friends. How that, even I am surprised about how I ended up on these long sits, looking back? Surely, my partner’s own Buddhist taught and lived wisdom helps reinforce my own knowledge, but this all a felt sense I have to experience with my own Kamma. The closest we can come is when we do Salutation to the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha together at bedtime or help others together, and that is why he never batted an eye when I introduced him to a homeless friend out of blue. He just “waiied” him.

20 days of Meditation: It was what it was.

You can watch people’s hair grow! You forget your passwords. But before I try to tell about my experience I need first to tell you, it will nothing like yours or mine... my next time. It all depends on the day, your karma, your body and your own life experiences. If I do it again, and yes, I will… it will be totally different, and yet, not unfamiliar. Now planning on a 30-day in the next two years(came sooner, April 2016!). I went eager hoping to deepen my practice, and maybe experience the jaunas while pulling up deeper hidden sankaras. I had just heard my sister committed suicide and watched a friend who was dying in hospice of hepatitis B cancer pass with little wisdom or insight the week before. All of this was unexpected, but that it with most of life. A 20-day Vipassana meditation is only old students, so it is very quiet, and nice with responsible meditators cleaning up the dorms daily with no laziness one normally sees with new students. Basically, for those unfamiliar, you are training the mind to accept that all life is impermanent, starting with sensations where all misery originates. I started in, able to meditate most of the day wherever we wanted, except the evening sits from 6-9 pm which were held in dhamma hall which included a detailed one hour talk about what one is doing. Starting with 7 days of anapana, watching the feeling of the breath just at the entrance of the nose in an effort to make the mind concentrated. This gives one the unique ability to pull up deeper previous hidden sankaras, when you do start scanning Day 8. I used only the dhamma hall and the pagoda cells alternating sometimes with a walk outside if the mind was hooked on something. One issue that kept reappearing in my head was something when I returned never materialized, so I was making misery unfounded. I rarely found it to have traumatic hooks on things, but more like an endless loop playing in my head that I could not seem to drop. Although Geonka, said to disregard dreams as subconscious helplessness,  Day 9 night dreams to me exhibited an issue, I thought mentally was gone, but obviously the body held a different idea. It woke me up, I replayed the whole dream and it all fell into place and I went to my pagoda cell early that morning, awake with happy release. The brain will have learned that this process is good for you and then just pulls to do it more. 

I had another dream that seemed to be a self-guided warning that my anger will kill me if continued. Scary in dream form, but once awake I easily analyzed it. Generally, with my knee pain my samadi was not as usual, but with learned equanimity, I felt no remorse at where I was at any time. This was really a first real sign of being equanimous, where I could later tell looking back why under pain I did not want to run away, instead solve the problem as best as I could at that given moment, so I could continue moving part by part observing sensations. My body/mind knew wisdom could be found there, which also pulls you back to sit more. I just adjusted my sitting posture, trying kneeling, moving my right leg higher to undo the cause of years of sitting improperly and knowing chairs are available, if it was worse than imagined. At no point was masochism involved in this wisdom. The comparing mind was never involved, one took things as they are which is pretty much how one should treat life. As far as eating, one eats less and less because it only affects the quality of meditation, and you are way past the idea with food as an answer to pleasure if you are dealing with feeling the digestion of each meal, daily. Sleep too, begins to be less and you don’t feel the need to run to bed to escape what you doing with mind and body. In the whole 20 days, I only missed three hours of meditation because of a little more sleep or walking to break a thought pattern, making to sit down at the latest 4:30 am until 9pm, with the normal breaks. And the bonus of seeing your own death as a reality that you can't run away from. I recommend highly to take a 10-day to see all the self-created dukkha.

The Quiet Will Fix Me

Having just completed my 10^th Vipassana of 10 days, focusing on lifting any expectations and any residual deep-seated problems that could get in the way with my upcoming marriage to my partner. The issues that could come up are more based on my brain injury trauma, and my own unique way of dealing with life in the past, combined with it. Between my partner and I, there is little difficulty with our long history providing I don’t add my daily frustrations of dealing with this disability. We have clear intention not to hurt the other and a natural love that is mature after 13 years.

So, I found another person to join me on the ride there and back and we both were excited about sitting again, talking all the way there. Feeling that we both needed it for our own separate reasons... it all seemed natural. We flowed into the course and moving into silence and the first day I was given my meditation cell number as old student. So I know that it is best for me to work hard and sit in the hall during the mandatory sits and the rest of the time in the cell never returning to my room with the distractions of door closings and the tempting way naps spring up on you. Of course, by Day 2 morning sit, where I tried to make it to the cushion at 4:10 am, I had hit my first hurdle. “Why am I here torturing myself, again,” given that my last course was in October 2013. I worked through that one by the time breakfast bell rang and subsequent sits were moving into settling down into routine by fine-tuning the mind with anapana. 

Resistance is with us even when we have a taste of wisdom with our natural laziness of not wanting to accept any change. It is a scary realization that even doing something we intend to do, we want no doubts to ever show up because they were not invited. So doubts are always present at least for me because I don’t know about you. Onward to day 3 which began to show the knee pain slight bit amplified with the mind do it’s natural jumping around, but day 4 which is Vipassana day was probably the easiest one I have ever experienced, which is not really easy to sit for two hours as you move into body scanning. It is more the mental energy change that bring up your first insight into the deep stuff that is hidden in your subconscious. Day 5 brought me some craving when one is really settled into routine. I like the early wake-up and the walk to the pagoda with the big dipper laid out in my path. I had brought some yerbe matte tea to have and look at the stars just before I walk inside, hoping for the great shooting star I had seen my first 10 day sit there in 2554(2011). When a few of us saw it the same 4th day, and remarked later on the 10th day when we could talk. My craving brought up some sex and closeness I wanted, but my body sensation that day in the 2:30-3:30 sit in the hall showed a relaxation and painless natural flow. I almost felt cocky as my body cracked with ease during what I call the “pee” break.

Day 6 night dreams were interesting as I was knee deep in clear ocean with manta rays coming up from the sand around me, allowing me to grab on to one huge one as he leapt from the bottom out of the water up to the sky to save me from sharks coming near. But then we crashed through the windows in my bedroom at home landing on that bed. That was interesting and because it seemed to have happened just before waking to go for my 4 a.m. meditation.
I could write a lot more about how once you are settled into routine, that one perceives the sound of silence constantly, and even one often hears two pitches of the vibration of the universe. My craving would be shown when I would hear the gong sound not when it was sounded, because the body would want to hear it above the sound of silence. The gong would sound during breaks and meals, so it was hard not to crave it, it was beautiful and a “reward” making one feel much like Pavlov's dog.

But if you all know Vipassana, it all changes and it can be as fast as a heart beat, so then I became more aware of the man directly behind me in he hall who had a frequent habit of swallowing and clearing his throat in a voiced way. He became a constant reminder of what I have to work on, the inability to control others. With my brain injury, I do have an enhanced link to any one’s felt nervousness that my body automatically picks up. That is why I can’t get in line to order like in a coffee shop, because when it comes to speaking with people waiting behind me it makes me lose the balance of the mind leaving me speechless or full of errors. I usually let people pass me until there is a break. It is just one of the few frustrations I encounter every day with this injury. 

Just yesterday an older friend over coffee was trying to coach me how to speak. I showed her how tapping helps slow down my speech, affected by the inability to control air flow. She said that was clear! But I said it only works while tapping right hand in left, and it destroys all thought, so spontaneous speech is out, plus who has two hands free? And if that does not get some weird looks that actually distract from any point I am trying to get across especially in public. Which comes down to carrying a pad and pen all the time, which I don’t do because it makes any speech practice less and less, and any ability to improve with rewiring.This leads me into day 7 morning sit in my cell, almost bouncing off the walls in total frustration. This was when my heartbeat becomes too prominent a focus to scan or pierce and leads me to use it as a metronome. Moving to new spot with each beat.  It annoys me, and the teacher said to avoid the heart area and center of your body when that happens. I have to relax back in anapana while trying to quiet the mind down. My frustrations came out which is good and the reason I was there, but it was no fun. Subsequent sits were easier and with more wisdom, just with more body pain.

Meanwhile, the 7^th and 8^th day night dreams were of gasping for air relating to my anoxia in the hospital years ago, as it pulled up from my subconscious. I can imagine I have more with intubation to come. By day 8, I was having more parts of my body in flow showing me the vibration of atoms that we really are composed of. I was still making into my cell by 4:10 by waking at 3:45 for tea and a quick wash of my face with cold water. But then anger came out that morning, and seeing the need to fix others because I can’t possibly fix me. A insightful look at where my anger leads to, and again it was resolved by the time breakfast bell rang with tears of appreciation for my Mom and others. That was really a fast work through that would have taken several days in the past in Vipassana sits. Although one is never totally fixed as you delve deeper into the hidden treasures of the subconscious each time you do one of these. And in the hall sits my neighbor who sat behind me was amping up his noise and anxiousness with each sit, almost wanting me to discuss with the management, but I never did knowing it was more my sankhara than his. 

By the 10th day when we spoke I quickly had an understanding with the his tremendous creative energy recounting his dreams and aspirations. He was quick to voice his appreciation for my firm sits that inspired him, and I often got through times when it seemed unbearable to me, by knowing that I could inspire him, by being a good example. So that turned out to be another touch of wisdom in this long path. Another more weighty gentleman talking to me afterward giving me several suggestions like more physical activity to help speech without asking me first what I have done. Again a clue as to what inspires my frustration when other assume my injury is my own health negligence and not a hospital error that I have slowly made significant gains way beyond what anyone imagined. A neurologist friend I have said that I am the most severe he has seem walking around and has used me as an example when he taught medical students about the human potential to heal as one can never assume outlook. My encounter with that fellow sitter leads me to understanding where my need to fix others root is based.

Not a Path, Nor a Choice

A year and half ago, it was beginning to look like I would go on my spiritual journey, and maybe in the process I would figure out a good way to bring my partner and I together, naturally. We do fine apart, which has actually helped us grow gradually and more soundly than most. He has a good job, and asked me to move to Asia to be with him. But, I felt that we needed to somehow seal our relationship that would allow an easier passing of the torch, when I die. Sure, I have a will and trust, but as a married couple it would be more financially wise. Plus he has never got a chance to see my life with no visa.

Continuing as we have while exploring how best to link us easier, like a making a home here in Asia, closer than the U.S. to him. With my brain injury, it is damn near impossible with the damage to speech and tone areas of my brain to facilitate learning a language. Jeez, it took my 5 years to get to the lousy English I speak now, stunted and truncated. I speak like I have been drinking, a lot, and even one time a police officer in my own business accused me of drinking when I called them for a theft. That is another story. So, with this in mind last trip I explored other English speaking places to live. I went home last time here, unsettled with no clear answer what or where to go next. I felt a couple of times I acted out my frustration of no clear answer. My spiritual path was a turning into a kind of avoidance in some ways.

While home I did another 10-day Vipassana last May, and upon completion the news was coming out that gay marriage was winning in the courts. DOMA was struck down, and Bill Clinton is still trying redeeming himself of his connection to this discriminatory law. I worked on this for over 20 years, protesting, writing emails, joining campaigns…and here it was.

There was a now a choice, and now I can chose to run with it or not.  The decision to marry would take my original intention further to a new level of giving my partner more opportunities. Because he has shined with everything, when I have helped ...and been very appreciative. It was never a hand out, it was more like a hand up. And beneath all my flaws, he saw a good heart.  If I did not marry him, and chose my own spiritual path over him, than I have not learned anything at all. The choosing mirage was disappearing.

My mother gives all for her children, and if I take after her, I should at give all to my partner. So, I hired a lawyer and got on with a fiancé visa, a month after the news. All along the process, I have given him an out, and still do if this is not for him, but at least he can try life in my house. It was a year’s process and it was never easy, and at the last minute they asked for another document.

It will be huge change for him and at times, he acted like it was not serious. Which would confuse me. It seemed now… looking back, his background of being abandoned by his parents at birth, made him able to cope with life’s drive-by's by not putting it all in one basket, so if his visa passed... he would prepare mentally, then. He thought it would never happen, so he postponed any feelings attached. Now, that it is concrete, and his ticket booked, and marriage planned he has relaxed being while being excited. We get to experience a whole new level of appreciation of each other, even after 13 years. Naturally bonded. To think we talked about this for years and exchanged rings in 2008. Now, I am only scared of crying at my own wedding.

Do We Always Have to Sell Ourselves to Others?

I was talking to a stranger in a coffee shop, lately and came to the realization I was trying to sell myself…early in the conversation. Trying to get him to find something interesting enough in me, to continue talking. This was not a beauty contest nor was he a love interest that would spin this into a whole separate problem. I just wanted to give him a teaser as to the man behind the fucked up voice. At least the fact that he was a Vipassana meditator made it a whole lot easier. I was thinking while talking to him, that what we all really need is to shut up and feel each other’s intent coming from our heart. Our heart will tell us where to go with this anyway. Let’s all let the silence not disarm us but instead inform us as to the full capabilities of the mind/body spirit.  Perhaps a satisfaction beyond what anything most of us has experienced in the past. You can recall a child before he was told what everything, and fed with tons of fears would get a glow of intense curiosity just seeing a new person. 

Most of us walk into every situation with a face forward, one-dimensional approach throwing away ¾ of the feedback our mind/body is able to perceive all around us.  With check-list of everything we require at the moment, which is so specially targeted to our moods and past disappointments in life. This sets up a high potential to fail instantaneously if any expression or word is not to our liking. It is desire that screws everything up, first and foremost.

That will mean that we almost have to shut-up or least I think I should more often. You are your own master. Maybe that alone will naturally let compassion flow easier once we open all avenues for feedback that we are capable of. Truly, get to understand the world and our connection with others.

Beauty Found in Observing

I will sit again in a ten-day Vipassana soon, and often people ask me what is my goal, “This time?” The people that ask this are not meditators, so I often don’t know how to answer in a way they can understand. I really enjoy not doing, and the relaxation of all that tempts you to not to be quiet.

Just observe my photos for a few seconds.

What do they first trigger in your brain before a story hits…a feeling? …a memory? ...a desire, perhaps? These photos only represent to you, what you deem is important. Then come up with a guess about the story around each one, if you like. You are your own master. You know the first thing that comes up as a feeling will probably determine the story.

Just like when I meditate I observe any feeling, thought or image while my body can give feedback as to the value I place on each, at that time. The brain/body connection can its work their magic when I either present a relaxation or tightening around each. I don’t have to do anything but observe, 

like you are doing now(double-click to enlarge).