01 January, 2014


I tell my partner, "Go ahead to the pool, I’ll pick up the wet laundry." He replies, “Jai Dee!”, a title I recently gained with my meditation and relaxation into what is. Of course, it is not permanent, and I have to work on it constantly, with my many years of being over-reactive, generously conditioned by growing up with alcoholism.

Earlier today, he started singing near me while watching a youtube concert with headphones on….while I was meditating. I was just 25 minutes in and relaxing in my body. I felt anger arise in my body, but just watched it like it was an enemy of happiness. So, I took this opportunity to have some fun, because it was a subtle sign of him needing attention. He was facing me sitting on the bed, actually enjoying the quiet body near him. Then from a totally silent unmoving body, I just made a scary, “BOOO!” and a wild face. He loved it, although it scared him making his hair stand up on his arms.

I smiled and said, “It must be time to eat!” He motioned with his hands near his eyes, like horse blinders, “Gin Kao.” It was an inside joke, that I created when I noticed when he wants food, he wants it now, not 5 minutes nor a half-hour later.

If I am committed to our happiness, it can not be only a passive observation, and it has to be flexible and bend around every new obstacle. Even if is self-created. It can be as simple as relaxing and dropping any expectations. It is often observed as difficult at the moment, and believe me I still can beat myself up over this, but I'm learning and re-learning through observation. This is a great fast forward into the difficulties of aging happening all the time regardless of which age you are. To be sure I write about this mainly to remind myself, and if it helps others that is a plus.

Last night we walked up to the roof to see the year end fireworks, it felt like a foreign experience...a sober observation of others joys. I wondered if the others on the roof celebrating could see our causal relaxed interactions that have took over a decade of commitment to develop?

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