Gone Fishing for Sankaras: A Second 30 day Vipassana.

Meditating on my second day, I commented to myself that I am amazed that here I am again sitting my second 30 day Vipassana, all the while starting all over again with anapana to start to build a concentrated mind. This is where one will go part by part through the body in an effort to expose deep hidden complexes after 10 days carefully redirecting the mind to just below the nose(anapana or mindfulness of breathing). This is done once you have Sila(the 5 precepts) in place in order not to lay more Sankaras( conditioned formations) down in their place as fast as exposed.

I do remember in 2012 an older fellow meditator was recalling his 45 day Vipassana, and I had never even thought about doing longer than 10 days, but this obviously planted a fruitful seed within me. At this retreat 30-day were combined with a 45-day meditators, and they had to stay on after we left. 45-day goal is set in my head within 2 years, and my teacher said do a few more 30-days, then perhaps.

I experienced a huge Sankara on my 20th day over an normal interview, when I felt dismissed by the teacher in an effort for him to move on to the next person, and this set off an internal alarm. I am not normal with a huge brain loss, and need more time to process and talk, and even meditate with the teacher. This, of course, screwed up all the concentration I had, but did not stop me from meditating, or make me feel the need to walk it off. I asked the teacher how is it best to restart, instead of laying it all out why anger arose and he replied that to watch the palms and soles of the feet, since more sensitive to fine feeling. This allowed me to get back in the flow as anger subsided in about 4 days. This may seem like I was rolling in anger for a long time, but in effect I was mostly unfocused in my meditations and never really discouraged about it. Knowing from years of meditating that there is really no bad meditations, maybe just not so productive. I don't really ask for anything in life to help with my disability, and even stopped telling people on the phone or in person why I speak so weird.

There were many sankara moments, some pronounced and some not, but all in all I was able to stay put and live through them, mimicking how you are supposed to sit: Never moving, never scratching or fidgeting observing body sensations. This showed that the body/mind has learned a few lessons in equanimity, but not enough to be cocky or even appear to be rolling in peace...now. Although people have remarked I look better and more relaxed.

I did see some progress this time where the first 4 days I could stop the mind by re-focusing on the breath and even more relaxed than the past when things fell apart. I could actually feel the mind dumping things, in a way that you could feel more mentally sane on quite a few days. It feels like being more empty, so it may be not having to worry about mundane householders life! This is an experiential path and all based on each one's own sankara's.


So, I am fully aware that this is lifetime of work, and that my partner I love wants to take full credit for the changes he has seen in me so far. This is with his own experience of Sila(morality) and Buddha's teaching that have worked for him that he has tried to pass on to me. I just need my nose rubbed harder on the ground with Vipassana to flip the mind over to passenger mode in order to more compassionate and

kind. I may never see the same results as others with the frustrations I have with my brain injury caused confusion and speech disability, but so far I have seen some small fruits that I am happy with enough to continue this path and never feel discouraged. With the path, I can see my passing all too soon, which presses me to stay put instead of jumping to the next thing in an effort happiness ...out there...where it never really existed in the first place.

Karma Exposed when Serving

I recently served a 20 day Vipassana course, and it quickly became obvious..under the work load and meditating three separate hours a day…that my karma dictates a sense of abandonment from others that don’t do the same amount of work as I. Before I arrived I had asked for a position running the dishwasher, but when a non-english speaking person came later he was given the job, and I was switched to dining room “manager,” even though it was pretty much a solo position. Which under the circumstances I fully understood, but walking an average of 7 miles a day and working non-stop with a brain injury produced sankaras to rise fast, when a few people were resting or meditating more while I worked with a brain injury. Now, I am not saying everyone else slacked, because several busy people would help me out, but I not quite fully understand internally, why I should just accept the ones who do less. That is my karma. But with a few people who would jump in to help me, also inspired me to work hard for a week in my spare time... not meditating...

but filling the side of a cement walkway that could collapse by trucks driving over it. I shoveled a lot of dirt and rocks, to pack it in and it came out pretty good. So, anger was used constructively about the few who would not help me. Of course, right now you all are laughing at me, when I could have just napped and let go of any ideas I had, but this is me. So, this path is long, and it might take me a lifetime to let go of things, but I am committed. I was lucky to have fun people to help, and two great assistant teachers who shared many of their funny stories of their own path and they knew me. I still refuse to lay around and feel sorry for myself which has led me to greater healing, yet many have no idea of the difficulties I experience.

Where Love Shines Through

I had just returned from a quick trip to Myanmar when I became ill from food poisoning. I had given a new Dhamma friend I met there my drugs that I had bought for this, knowing he had further travels, and will probably need them. Luckily it hit me when I got back, when my partner and I were on the way to get him his favorite pie. We had to grab a fast taxi back home to avoid puking on the subway, where I then collapsed for 36 hours to sleep. He would wake me to eat Jok(fish and rice porridge) that he made and take pills. He dropped everything to make sure I get better, even holding me. It was only another confirmation of why we are still together after all these years. 
Earlier in the day, my first trip out was to complete the mission to bring him home the pie he likes. On the way out, I went to buy cookies to give away randomly, and the store owner said, “Oh, here is 20 B you lost last week when you here,” handing it to me. I guess it was pay back from the small purse that I found here in Bangkok at a fruit vendor and gave back to the woman who I correctly guessed had dropped it. The look on her face was similar to mine, today.
Tonight, when my partner and I did a Pali prayer before bed, we burst out laughing, tears coming down our faces from a joke we shared. Love can be that simple.

A Reminder of Other's Greatness

Today, I sat down in the park after buying a card for my sister, and I took my wallet out to not sit on it. Forgetting, I placed it beside my numb side, and thought I picked up with the card, but instead walked off leaving in the park. Not more than 2 minutes later I got a call on my cell phone by the man who found it. I rushed back to meet him, and he would take no money for it.

Thank you so much....you knew that the good deed or karma would come back to you. For you from me:
Translated from the end of the Twenty Eight Buddha's Protection (Atanatiya Paritta in Pali):

May all calamities be avoided, may all illness pass away,
May no dangers threaten you, may you be happy and long-lived,
Greeted kindly and welcome everywhere.
May four things accrue to you:
long life, beauty, bliss, and strength.




On Tuesday, we said our Good-byes to Ajahn Amaro when he left for Amaravati Monastery. Ajahn Anandabodhi of Aloka Vihara had the brilliant idea of throwing rose petals on him while chanting blessings. As well as cleaning up before we left the airport. I arrived early enough to meet him when he arrived in the garage with dark chocolate for his long flight. He saw me, and said to the others, "This is no random stranger, but a friend."

Impending Doom or Opportunity?

My computer is on its last legs and while it is in the shop quietly deciding its own fate, I use this time to learn patience, yet again. Hey, maybe some wisdom would be great, as well. Pretty please? With sugar on top, if you don't mind. I will continue to analyze my faults, hopefully to access my compassionate heart buried deep underneath. I have noticed that when things are good and you are feeling ok, deep down, you know it will end suddenly. So, one has the tendency while things are fine to not even enjoy them with this threat of the never ending question, "What is next?"

This probably comes to most people like it does for me, after you have a some personal history of failings(we all do - like a breakup, job loss, etc) or some kind of surprise drama like my near death. Or it might come to you, when your upcoming death rears its ugly head like some police sobriety test while you are drunkenly cruising through life. But in all seriousness, if you don't work on yourself when things are good or even just satisfactory you'll find that you are suddenly injured or even on your deathbed and you no longer have any time or patience left. Yes, life goes by this damn fast. We really do have no idea what is next. You can save, dream of some far off place to relax and plan ahead for retirement and it will never put a dent into the clear understanding that things change and often do so with no logic or reason. Out of the blue.

I think I have come to an understanding that those little discontentments I have about life, all the way to the supreme life changing event of my brain injury are a result of my ripening karma. Whether from this life or not really doesn't matter. What does matter ...is I now have the time to invest on developing my compassionate heart while things are fine. This will insure a future of more positive karma and might even result in a peaceful passing. So, you say you don't believe in karma? OK, fine then, but at least once you have probably experienced someone in your life – that their entire being or character is positive and loving and it rubbed off on you, the day you encountered them. I want to be that person, and one can't just wake up and be that.... even if you won the damn lottery. It takes a clear and thorough understanding of the way life really is.

This means working on putting to bed delusions and dissatisfactions based on ignorance. Delusions like anger(yes, even in most subtle forms), jealousy, pride, ego, laziness and others. If I truly want wisdom I have to look at my faults that are fear based, like my death, of course. And how I deal with others. Like today when given a compliment, instead of saying thanks... I try to whittle down my value. You know, people who say, "Not me, I hardly did anything." This is not a wise person, who does not show respect for himself when he downplays a compassionate thank you. You cannot offer wisdom and be truly happy without some real work. What you say, how you act and your body language says a whole lot  about what is in your mind. A calm mind is a product of wisdom and compassion built out of meditation. I can see the kind of compassionate person I want to be,  and I am finally aware of the personal work involved...with or without my computer. But the clearer I get, the more superficial my things appear to me.

Pondering the Death of Common Courtesy

Do you ever find yourself with a friend, talking and then they start to text or call someone else? Making other plans. It would be tolerable if they excuse themselves before they do it. Or they appointment you for something like lunch, and call you at 2PM? I don’t care if there is a change of plans, but you owe the other person a simple text or phone call in advance. Unless, of course, you are in the hospital dying or something else. What about going ahead with a date, and you are too tired to give a damn about anything? Boy, that makes you feel like it was really worth it. That lets all the air out of any meeting. What happened to common courtesy? Just have the balls to say I am not up to it today, that is if you value others, otherwise this will happen to you. Life has a way of telling you this is not cool, by happening to you at another time, with someone who is far more important, to you, than me. I can take this, but have a stainless memory…and it will provide me with fuel to understand the potential for growth in a friendship. Or, not. Luckily, I won’t have to ponder next time.