10 May, 2017

Gone Fishing for Sankaras:
A Second 30 day Vipassana.

Meditating on my second day, I commented to myself that I am amazed that here I am again sitting my second 30 day Vipassana, all the while starting all over again with anapana to start to build a concentrated mind. This is where one will go part by part through the body in an effort to expose deep hidden complexes after 10 days carefully redirecting the mind to just below the nose(anapana or mindfulness of breathing). This is done once you have Sila(the 5 precepts) in place in order not to lay more Sankaras( conditioned formations) down in their place as fast as exposed.

I do remember in 2012 an older fellow meditator was recalling his 45 day Vipassana, and I had never even thought about doing longer than 10 days, but this obviously planted a fruitful seed within me. At this retreat 30-day were combined with a 45-day meditators, and they had to stay on after we left. 45-day goal is set in my head within 2 years, and my teacher said do a few more 30-days, then perhaps.

I experienced a huge Sankara on my 20th day over an normal interview, when I felt dismissed by the teacher in an effort for him to move on to the next person, and this set off an internal alarm. I am not normal with a huge brain loss, and need more time to process and talk, and even meditate with the teacher. This, of course, screwed up all the concentration I had, but did not stop me from meditating, or make me feel the need to walk it off. I asked the teacher how is it best to restart, instead of laying it all out why anger arose and he replied that to watch the palms and soles of the feet, since more sensitive to fine feeling. This allowed me to get back in the flow as anger subsided in about 4 days. This may seem like I was rolling in anger for a long time, but in effect I was mostly unfocused in my meditations and never really discouraged about it. Knowing from years of meditating that there is really no bad meditations, maybe just not so productive. I don't really ask for anything in life to help with my disability, and even stopped telling people on the phone or in person why I speak so weird.

There were many sankara moments, some pronounced and some not, but all in all I was able to stay put and live through them, mimicking how you are supposed to sit: Never moving, never scratching or fidgeting observing body sensations. This showed that the body/mind has learned a few lessons in equanimity, but not enough to be cocky or even appear to be rolling in peace...now. Although people have remarked I look better and more relaxed.

I did see some progress this time where the first 4 days I could stop the mind by re-focusing on the breath and even more relaxed than the past when things fell apart. I could actually feel the mind dumping things, in a way that you could feel more mentally sane on quite a few days. It feels like being more empty, so it may be not having to worry about mundane householders life! This is an experiential path and all based on each one's own sankara's.

So, I am fully aware that this is lifetime of work, and that my partner I love wants to take full credit for the changes he has seen in me so far. This is with his own experience of Sila(morality) and Buddha's teaching that have worked for him that he has tried to pass on to me. I just need my nose rubbed harder on the ground with Vipassana to flip the mind over to passenger mode in order to more compassionate and

kind. I may never see the same results as others with the frustrations I have with my brain injury caused confusion and speech disability, but so far I have seen some small fruits that I am happy with enough to continue this path and never feel discouraged. With the path, I can see my passing all too soon, which presses me to stay put instead of jumping to the next thing in an effort happiness ...out there...where it never really existed in the first place.

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