20 September, 2013

Do I Have to Speak?

Having gone through most of the M.B.L. therapy, removing most of the anger I have from a difficult childhood, now we were are working on improving my speech. This is still difficult with a fallen pallet and aphasia. The therapy moved my hearing to the right, which is closer and faster when it comes to speech, and I got some more mouth sensitivity. At the same time this therapy gave me more happiness, calmness and assertiveness. I combined the therapy with acupuncture and daily meditation to augment it. I am still not over the intense and exhausting dreams, but for the most part moved into the present. They do leave me waking up happy and resolved every day. Ear therapy to strengthen new connections we have made, means reading into my right hand close enough to bounce sound to the right ear. I am also listening to music with the right ear only when using any earphones, and talking on cell only in my right ear.  My speech leaves a lot to be desired, but is functional enough to get by. 

Now, I am faced with my own will after living with this for such a long time.  Of course, being on the short end of any conversation and constantly overlooked for what I have to say gives me a lot of fuel for contemplation about the true worthiness of speech. With real honesty I can say the only important thing I have said in my life is I Love You, with strong conviction.  Because I don’t say this unless it is fully felt, and acted upon. My family and my partner can be my witness and benefactors. With this in mind is more speech really worth my effort? I don’t need any obstacles in my path in the pursuit of wisdom and at times it seems to keep providing a detour. I have much progress in meditating which my M.B.L. therapist says is easy for me to take a route of non-speaking. And I am looking forward to a 20-day sit, to further enhance my awareness. I did say this was not an easy out for speaking, as Vipassana is not really easy and has provided me a lot of clarity and direction. So now I am faced with my own desire, and feel that I should do it mainly for others to speak better. With this I should work on truly embodying the words, “Thank You,” because our life is not our own doing. In the back of my mind I should focus on a goal that has been in the back of my mind to share my experience in life with others, that I discussed last March with a Sikh doctor I met on a train into Bangkok who was there, I found out later to speak.

1 comment:

Was Once said...

Update, this was partially the trauma of speech with this injury and my intubation that still needs to released.

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