28 August, 2010

Good Intentions Align

After a long stressful day, I might want to catch up on sleep with a nap. I ate dinner quickly, with the deep-seated wish to sit and hear a dhamma talk. I need those naps, to let my brain recover. Busy all day with fixing my house, just to keep it together, sadly not some glamorous project. More headaches, about other items that need to be done, unveiling themselves in the process on doing the first thing. I have to constantly watch my thinking mind and notice if I feel overwhelmed and desiring to gather up more fictitious worry. Let’s take an unpleasant feeling and ramp it up some to make it totally insurmountable! All of a sudden I want a tiny rental apt, and be working on reading instead of fixing.

So, I finally decide to let go, I have done enough in this day, and you know there will always be more undone in life. I really have to let it go from using it as a gage to feel accomplished and then hopefully happy. Postponing happiness until one thing or another is done. Jeez, that really is a stupid way to lead life. Happiness can be all the time when you accept life as it is. Good or difficult.

I laid down on my couch and looked a my view, closed my eyes for a second or two, but knew the Vihara’s prayers and sit start at 7:30. Thinking, I am tired and should just stay home. This swirled over my tongue like a nice glass of wine. Then I just bolted up and got quickly ready to go as time was approaching. At my core was the knowledge that this path has provided real understanding and wisdom one does not get from a nap. So I gulped some black tea and took off. On the drive there, out of the blue, had memory stick flash about my friend who is much appreciated. No reason for this to come up, but it did generate a fast tear. I mentally said thanks for him and carried on, arriving a bit late. All the cushions were taken and a fellow sangha member quietly gave me one of hers.

I did not want to make too much noise, but not telling her I can do without. So, I just took the cushion with a smile and sat. In meditation, I contemplated the importance of sangha, and her kindness. Relaxing with a smile on my face, but later when I heard her move in discomfort, I quietly took the cushion out and passed back to her. No words said.

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