26 April, 2011
My vipassana experience pulled my “I” apart from my body awareness. What this did for me is to enable me to drop the attachment to this old aging body. So, when I am tired or my shoulder hurts, it is not “I’m tired, or my shoulder hurts,” and more my body is affected, my awareness is not. I have the same awareness whether or not my body is hurt or tired. My choice now is not attach to anything as unstable as the body. It is not the same one I had 5 years ago, or even just yesterday.
Back when I had my near death, and subsequent hospitalization with brain injury, “I was a little foggy” and yet still had humor, anger and the whole range of emotions…I still was aware. I realized over the span of a year(yes, a slow learner!), that I had to drop any ideas of who I was in the past, the attachment to the “I” that existed before the injury. Sure, I could set unrealistic goals, but I was smart enough not to speak of them, so if I failed no one could call me on it. My core being was not damaged, only my brain…so if I walk funny or talk totally bizarre it is my body. I began to notice hopeful inquisitive people ask, “Where are you from?” If I laughed they would relax as well, as I would. If I tried to protect myself, my “I,” would only turn out badly or even pathetic. Laughter about who the hell "I" was, post my coma and journey to the next life(short-lived, but fun), only foretold the future to a better outcome. Don’t try so hard, everything we are... we learned, you did not have a hard drive filled with software ready to rock. Unlearn..that there is not anything out there that you don’t have inside of yourself.