21 January, 2013

Get Out ...Self

Lying down to sleep in the guesthouse, I collapse faster than normal. Rushing to a far off town to hear a speaker, I am away from my partner. The bed is a bit bouncy and soft not exactly the ideal bed for me, but it is what it is. Later, awakened by high heels clacking on the tile floors in the hall and the sound, not first identified as such jars me awake. Once fully conscious, I detect the quiet sound of older men with these women.  Quiet, because it is probably their last effort to find a mate at an advanced age. They can't fuck this up this time. These are not young men full of bravado whooping it up. I look at the time it is 2:30 am. I know too much now, and instead of letting my mind fill in more details decide to put on an ipod to hear a guided meditation by Mooji, to relax back into sleep.

Skating between consciousness for quite some time, mostly based on the bed’s poor state. Faintly, I hear a snoring.  It is my snoring, and I am leaving my body going towards the left in the room. I toss and turn as my mind wants to know what is going on. Noticing towards the right, in the direction of the door, I see ghosts moving. At first it scares me, but not conscious enough to move, I am forced to look hard, as my body is asleep.
It feels like the time when I came out of surgery, and could not wake up  out of anesthesia for over 12 hours. Who are they? Are they the ghosts of former guests, or a play on the noisemakers earlier? In total clarity, but still no less shocking …it is the character, that which I am or was(more correct), and the stories I carried about me. Obviously moving away from the tight squeeze that I had on them....escaping . It is a sign of freedom, and yet I am struggling in this dream state because it was everything I thought I was.

I woke up in the morning with a spaciousness I have never before experienced. A clarity void of internal struggles, of time, of location or of space. The self lost its stranglehold on my body, and there is some exhaustion from everything I held on to, as me in the past.  I am neither happy, nor sad having let go of all the need to try to please myself. It feels like sanity when compared to everything I believed I needed in the past. Mindfulness spouts more easily now, and equanimity is not like some far off ...ultimate.


spldbch said...

I am very moved by your words. The only thing I can think to say is, "Wow."

Was Once said...

Thank you, it was all here....I had to wear out my old way of thinking. I will do another Vipassana Feb 1-10, just to see what is left. The exhaustion is over, and my spinal cord is still dumping the fear of seeing my father's abuse from age 3 on. It was stored in Body memory...and made me a very angry and hurt child...up until this latest change...I could easily access it.

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