16 July, 2013

Turning a Little Against the Flow

After temple with the nuns the night before, I felt connected yet knew the following day could have easily been spent in trying to avoid self-pity. It lead to a hard night’s sleep, and was that not really nourishing. Just gives you a real clue as the mind-body connection. I am pretty much familiar with my moods, so I knew the best defense is to do something totally spontaneous. I looked at a non-dual site on the web in near-by city and I saw an event happening the following day. I went to bed without committing doing it, leaving it as just an option.
I got up early since sleeping in wasn’t on the menu and did an hour of yoga alone(my partner is still 8000 miles away, and planning on marriage now that the law normalized) finished in time, and jetted out the door to that event with no knowledge of what I was getting into. Risk is only based on the mental blocks to change and the unpredictability of life. Sheesh, I already lost a good portion of my brain so this was chump change of a little cash and an afternoon. I arrived on time, and met one of the people putting it together, then the man who conducted this event(did not know at the moment we met)it was looking to be a small gathering. Of course the awkwardness of fear was subtly boiling in the background of my mind, but I drove a long way, and it just silly to back out. I was beginning to just relax because letting go is just that. And I can pretend with the best of them. I was lucky to talk to a woman who sat beside me, who graciously offered some of her iced coffee, and I got the feeling that this will be O.K. I am always aware that in groups of new people my speech is all over the place, but nobody knows me. As usual most people are too afraid to ask what happened so I have to spill it out someway that I have a brain injury just to get it out there as why my speech is awful. This commonly happens at inopportune moments, and the frustration often shows. In a perfect world I think would start any meeting of people not familiar by standing up and spilling the beans so that there are no questions. Maybe once I will try this, and I think my frankness with strangers will enlighten them as much as it will allow me to let go.

Now, I can’t really do justice to this teacher’s method but it was based on awareness in the presence of others and the world, rather than on the cushion meditating with closed eyes. He had us pick randomly others to gaze into their eyes for like 5-10 minutes, and talk about the awareness we were feeling, to get us all used to each other and to bond the 26 of us. Personally, talking while gazing there is something that will give with this brain injury, so I was reluctant to speak. For most people, including myself, one let’s go of the fear of being so exposed quickly. I was very happy that the man who expressed the fact he probably not be able to stay feeling very challenged ended up staying the entire day.

As the afternoon progressed, it became obvious that the two gazers lose their mental images and quickly deal straight heart to heart. Mirroring the others breathing rhythm and tuning up each ones emotional state, which points to why I and the other man stuck with it. It also pointed to the interconnectedness of all humans, and led us all to simultaneously bond. Oh, by looking in each other's eyes, you can balance the hurt and difficulties that we all share even though based on totally different circumstances. And when we gaze at someone more adjusted you can then actually get some power from the other to deal with your own stuff, non-threateningly. There are no vampires sucking blood. It's a no bullshit way to instantly build a connection, all guided with this teacher's knowledge. Ironically, this is what is what I purposed to a friend a few months ago that we should stop getting together as two bubble heads talking about ourselves, with the hopes of having some gasses escape and instead meet and not talk, and just let our hearts speak. 

By the end of the 5 hours when we had looked into most people’s eyes we took this enhanced state outside for a walk around the neighborhood. It felt like walking meditation that instead of looking 5 ft ahead of you on the ground, you examined trees, flowers and bushes. A half-hour of it was kind of magical, but hunger took the forefront of mental state and I found some blackberry bushes and plum trees on vacant property to forage. It had been about 8 hours since I had my morning vegetable shake, and my stomach was growling. The day’s experience was very interesting, especially seeing the fear creep in and disappear out the same mind, allowing us to enjoy the closeness and meditative qualities. 

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