Discouraging Words

He comes home exhausted after a long day, curiously no joy from paying off his student loan.  I give him a long hug, but he is distracted. I glance at his wallet where he is pulling out a financial plan, noting his debts on a excel program, which totally impressed me. I comment about it. Even with his disappointment, I try to cheer him up with the congratulations for paying it off fast. He got that loan his first year trying not to bother me for money, then the Thai government dumped student loans, and I had to take over paying his tuition. On his meager salary he managed to pay it off in a year and a half, and give his Mom money as well. He is now looking online to make sure it is all paid off from the office his visited earlier. I shut up, and I massage his back still sweaty from his motorcycle ride home. Trying to beat out the stress of the day. Going to the bathroom, he walks out and looks at me and says it could not have happened without my help, always appreciative even when he is in a funk. Perhaps, he is just tired. I thought, but he has no energy to go running or even eat. I am pissed that this is the one day, that I don’t have dinner for him.

Right now, would have been a good time.

But I was doing yoga when he walked in, calmly noting this all. I do feel him, and how this changes my mood even after yoga and a swim. Then a clue why… I see him post a question to his boss on Facebook. What does it take to be a leader? His silly reply is “follow your PM.” But, she is a rich Chinese/Thai privileged and groomed for the job. I guess his boss came down on him for not being a leader. I don’t know the particulars, but this rocked him. My partner is nice to everyone from the lowest warehouse people up, never confronting, always helping and naturally “jai dee.” He does the work of two and arrives earlier than everyone else. He knows that in this society there is a huge class distinction, but none-the-less, he is thinking and soaking in the disappointment from hearing these words. Today, he helped helped boss’s 3 year old when he inhaled a kids sticker and it got stuck in his nose. And this is what he gets after giving 7 years of his life. The cards are stacked against him. He is so ready to go to USA, and we are just waiting for his interview.

My latest Vipassana naturally re-confirmed my up coming death, and the importance of making my partner’s life better. Geonka’s words in this Satipatthana course although heard twice before took on a new meaning and importance. Life was never about me. Oh, I was tickled when a fellow meditator said, “I saw such joy in your face, even in the early morning, going to meditation.” Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu