The ego
wound it’s way back in after my injury that far outpaced my physical healing.
It is probably a necessary ingredient for self-preservation and a sign that my
“I/ego” was firmly engaged in survival mode. This helped carry me through
difficult times when I really did not cognize what was going on in the first
month with my severe brain injury. No one took the time to tell me what exactly
happened until almost a month after. Without knowing how damaged one is you
constantly do things with the soul motivation to get out of the hospital, while
collapsing in exhaustion from doing just simple tasks. Physical therapy staff used make me exercise like walking the halls with I.V.’s & tubes still attached,
and then make me do a written test often much to my dismay without first a nap.
I could not eat, so I could not talk, either. Part of the sarcastic me thinks
it was to bill hours, rather then see what progress was made. So, that alone
would incite displeasure enhancing the speedy return of ego, with the thoughts
of, I don’t want to do this!
Looking back, I wish
I could have stuck with an earlier impression I felt that had of myself just
existing in presence that seemed to come about with an unclear outcome of who
or what I was. With such a severe injury, what is the rush to get me back to
work, even though I was young? Surely, some of you will say it was in my best
interest, to reignite damaged neurons and thus speed up healing, but who needs total
return of ego? The ego will also inform you of how you don’t fit in the world once
you are disabled. Not to make an excuse, as I also get feedback that I inspire
people. This is pointed out time and time again in daily interactions, but
that, too just reinforces the role ego plays in existence. Ahhh, now, who really needs to write this?
