The Burp on Presence, Ego

The ego wound it’s way back in after my injury that far outpaced my physical healing. It is probably a necessary ingredient for self-preservation and a sign that my “I/ego” was firmly engaged in survival mode. This helped carry me through difficult times when I really did not cognize what was going on in the first month with my severe brain injury. No one took the time to tell me what exactly happened until almost a month after. Without knowing how damaged one is you constantly do things with the soul motivation to get out of the hospital, while collapsing in exhaustion from doing just simple tasks. Physical therapy staff used make me exercise like walking the halls with I.V.’s & tubes still attached, and then make me do a written test often much to my dismay without first a nap. I could not eat, so I could not talk, either. Part of the sarcastic me thinks it was to bill hours, rather then see what progress was made. So, that alone would incite displeasure enhancing the speedy return of ego, with the thoughts of, I don’t want to do this!

Looking back, I wish I could have stuck with an earlier impression I felt that had of myself just existing in presence that seemed to come about with an unclear outcome of who or what I was. With such a severe injury, what is the rush to get me back to work, even though I was young? Surely, some of you will say it was in my best interest, to reignite damaged neurons and thus speed up healing, but who needs total return of ego? The ego will also inform you of how you don’t fit in the world once you are disabled. Not to make an excuse, as I also get feedback that I inspire people. This is pointed out time and time again in daily interactions, but that, too just reinforces the role ego plays in existence. Ahhh, now, who really needs to write this?

A New Skin Stretched on the Skeleton

I recently dreamed of my passing from a previous life, seemingly making concrete my connection to my partner as a young boy when I did not know him. Saying good-bye in dream like form not as I am now.  It was not really dying in the dream, just alluding to it, so there was no fear or panic. It was intriguing, which then prompts me to think about upon awakening about our desire to find meaning in our life. This dream may have come out of our talks about our connection, seeing his photo as a young boy or just purely wishing it so. 

On further examination it seems to me that there is really no meaning to our life, it is all a fabrication of my over-active mind. Thus trying to live a virtuous life, is really just a way of simplifying life, wiping half of the complications brought on without living this way. Living with virtue may seem selfish at times....we still want something. But it does bring about more connection with others and the world, so in the other way, you end up feeling less like the “boy in the plastic bubble.” This might freeing you up to serve others. It has been said in many books that service is one clear path to liberation. Liberating what? The self-concern whipped up by the “me” who projects himself as separate? Most people who have children would just say, “duh!” because this is a natural product of such a life. I chose this route when society gave me no other option. It thankfully has been changing rapidly in the last ten years, with gay marriage and parenting. 

If I put aside any choice I may have had as far as direction when you consider the universe directs every possible combination of life. Then it puts me back into not finding any meaning, but relaxing into what is here, right now, however it or life manifests. Relaxing is not something I do easily when things are difficult, but it points us directly back to that imaginary “me” that perceives this all.

Looking back, I was forced to relax when my brain injury happened in the hospital. I had no choice, zipping through life as though I was invincible to a complete dead stop. It is weird to think you consider yourself lucky to have a brain injury which exhausts you so much that you have to relax in a fog of unknowing. That fog, should be exactly the same as the “What is” that one should naturally arrive at for real happiness. A wild ride on the way there, at least, but way smarter than running looking for meaning in life.

Turning Over Frustration

It has been a full week for the brain-injured person, that I am. Watching my friend while waiting for surgery and then the following day after it, still in extreme pain was not fun. Now he's at home, and I tired to make easy for him as I could. I told him that I was proud of how he handled it all. I was running between school, gym, and work at home and my injured friend.So, I was happy to go for prayers and a sit with a nun on Tuesday night. I tried my best with the singing the prayers being exhausted, later settling down to sit for an hour. Silently, tears just flowed down my cheeks, while I started to label my feelings as sadness and frustration at not being able to help my friend, combined with trying to keep it together with my injury. By the time the meditation ended, the tears did, too and I felt much better. I would not say happier, but all the things I was holding inside ...vaporized. I came home read a nice "Sun" magazine story and slept.

I managed to stick it out in my JC class, and finally got a computer this week, as it thinned out. It is interesting and challenging being in a very diverse class of people. There at least three other languages spoken all at the same time between students. All this feedback and noise for me makes doing simple things twice as difficult. Plus the teacher his notes, her computer screen and ours, makes a multi-tasking free for all. I can actually see how my daily meditation in stressful situations like this one kept me from lashing out. I watched others that seem to have a hard time, and opened up the compassionate mind to put the “me” mind on the back burner. I found myself making sure whenever anyone helped me I said, “Thank you.” I tried hard to smile even when it took all my concentration just to keep up. One woman next on one side was very helpful, and on the other side matter of fact and very demanding. Normally I would make a scene, when she one who would chirp out demands right when I was middle of doing something. But when I finished one thing I said calmly to her, “I have severe brain injury, and it takes all I got to keep up! Please wait to ask me something, after I look towards you.” Saying it in jokingly manner, so she did not blink or register as agitation. Knowing that we really can't change anyone, and my irritation becomes really my problem rather than hers. That made the whole class seamless,leaving me up to date. When a nice speech therapist in class who fully understands my difficulties asked, "How did it go?" Smiling, I said, "I am handicapable!"



Working towards my idea that one's reincarnation is really about how other's remember you. And that as soon as you remove yourself( the me factor), and help others and engage politely, the day, even while being very difficult and exhausting…does not become stressful. I talked with several people before class, and one guy asked me about my injury in great detail. I usually express the experience with humor ending on wisdom, so most walk away not feeling pity and are mildly surprised. I want people to see the miracles that can happen dealing with change, that it is not always bad or dreadful. During class there friendly and humorous exchanges while we helped one another. Even our teacher relaxed and told a story about going “blank” in her evening class. In two weeks, from strangers.... we became “family.”

Blowing Off Steam

I have been noticing that I am feeling uneasy. That is uneasy not depressed. It is not affecting my sleep, eating or exercise. I've been seeking small pleasures to avoid seeing the real hopelessness I sometimes feel about my life. This can be brought about by not enough work, or unable to see my partner more. When I see myself craving a little piece of dark chocolate or a cup of good coffee, it is a sign. I am almost unable to do anything, perhaps paralyzed by the fear of not knowing. Sure, I can exercise, see friends and maintain obligations and order. So really, what I am experiencing can’t be witnessed by those around me. Which is fine, my experiences are just that… mine. I will say I am fairly confident that are not unique to me. Meanwhile, I am nursing a knee injury that keeps from running, but not swimming or yoga. I should turn this whole experience I am feeling to use as an exercise in dying. Like the dying of knee or my vision with age, is a small taste. There is more where that came from. We all die, and the sooner we realize this we can focus on the present. So we enjoy relaxing with death. I still can laugh, see the beauty of life, people, and kindness. I heard of a great story of a lay minister helping immigrants in Tulsa unslaved, which prompted me to write a thank you to him. So with the uneasiness, I can still see things as they really are. All of which will be explored when I do the 10 day meditation.

Night Vision

One thing we often forget is the beauty that is right in front of us. We often want to get away from it all, thinking that by going somewhere else we will find things different. But when we arrive we are still the same person. One way get over this idea one has to find the beauty that lies inside. This upcoming silent meditation, will make me stop the noise of life that I often use to fill my life. When I go into retreat I can see the quiet wisdom lurking in my mind.
I have also found someone who shares my interests in photography while inspiring me to reach higher. They have proposed to me that if I can survive my brain injury, then I can put the same energy to a better use. A calling has not quite taken any form yet. But, at least this photography ignites the flame inside. Sometimes I like to think I am there and we can relax. But do I really? Life is ongoing, new problems will always arrive and to learn and get the most out of our precious human life we have to work hard. Looking at myself, I know I can be better in most everything, including how I see life and react to these same problems. So by going out at night, I hear the ambient sound, and see the slumbering city in quiet seduction. No phones, no net, no TV ...a kind of mini-preview to meditation. My new goal is to try to convey this with what I have always had in me with my vision in photography.

Journey to the Gate

I was, again listening to Radio Lab(Where Am I?) about the brain, and one part was about proprioception. That is the brain's ability to know where anything is at any given moment with relation to the body. Close your eyes and raise your hand, and you still know it where it is located. People who have difficulty with this, also usually have a problem knowing where their body is in space. It can also affect organs and balance, all things we take for granted when we are fine. I had lost mine partially with my brain injury, so I gradually had to learn how to improvise without anyone telling me how to. So, when my arm would hit a table I was walking by, or drop keys that were in my hand, I learned to train my brain by watching my hand. By watching I could learn to compensate what natural proprioception I lost. It was frustrating, when I also had lost half my right vision, with muscle weakness. Doing yoga to learn how to balance, even though I still have no feeling on my left side of my body. No Doctor would elaborate on how to deal all this, but it is a testimony to how well the body can adapt to injury to the brain. In my volunteer job at the hospital, I make it known that the Doctor’s can’t just talk over the brain injured victim. They might as well start to discuss what really they are looking for when the do tests on cranial nerves lost. Explain what is deficient in a compassionate manor, would be a goof start. Looking back it is a gift from Buddha, to find the will power when my whole world was turned upside and all without ever seeing a neuropsychiatrist post hospital. So, if I can myself in this extreme situation, they I should have less trouble opening the gate to enlightenment.

Afternoon Cup of Tea

Working with a client now and she tells me she I make her feel more comfortable than someone else she interviewed. I attribute it being a lot more down to earth after my near death experience. Besides this, I am a lot more humble and work with people instead of telling them what to do. If they are involved throughout a project they become more attached and understanding when I explain my idea. She still is cautious, but I have assured her I will follow through until she is happy, as word of mouth is the best referral. I have also told her that I take my work home with me, and think it through, allowing me to get a better overall view of the project. I am still able to do other things while still keeping her house in my mind. Approaching it like a piece of art, finessing and fine-tuning, just like I am tying to do here with the blog. I am working towards a certain kind of casualness, like an afternoon cup of tea.

I did have a dream last night of getting a job in my old field of advertising in New York. It showed me the excitement, but also the awareness of the work I would have to do. In my dream, after much deliberation I declined the job yet felt honored. I guess I have come to know what I can do and what I can’t do with this brain injury. I tell my new brain-injured clients in my volunteer at the hospital to be more realistic about life and above all have humor with yourself.

The little man

What a beautiful day? It was sunny and at least I am happy. Maybe is it the fact that I am running on 5 hours sleep, and punch drunk happy. With my brain injury, I need at least 10-12 hours a night and a nap in the afternoon. I guess it is to download more information on my hard-disk. Or perhaps it is like a little man with a can of “Bondo” trying to spackle in the holes in my brain. I tell people that with them a little less sleep means they end up kind of spacey, but with me it means confusion and inability to form any words. So, when I am under any pressure or trauma, I virtually cannot speak anything intelligible. Which reminds of the time when I called the police to report a crime in my own business, where two guys distracted me, which was easy and made off with my hand-held computer. I called the regular police number not 911, and they showed up about an hour later. While telling them what happened, in my stroke impaired voice, they immediately said, "You are drunk." That only added insult to injury, and making it even harder to speak because I was so mad. Floored that I had to explain that I while I am at work, and it would be foolish to be drunk. They did not even have the skills to see if my pupils were not dilated and eyes clear, so they seemed so stupid. Later I filed a police complaint, and saw a judge and commission board six months later. The judge came out and concluded it was my duty to warn them that have a stroke. I told him if I say when I first call in to dispatch they hang up, thinking I have the wrong number. If I tell them in person they(the ignorant police, in this case) would think I am hiding something, and I can’t win. That experience was one more indication that I need to meditate and learn Buddha’s teachings, because it was a test. Later I found a well-written brain injury plastic card from Great Britain that I carry around. Of course when I show it now, people immediately get mute unable to figure out what to do next. Just chill!

A Late Choke

It’s late now, I am home after a party put on by a friend I have known for twenty years. I enjoyed myself meeting new people as well as connecting with old friends. I bought old photos of a few us to the party and someone else did as well. It was so amazing looking at photos taken nearly 20 years ago, and I was still mature and worldly looking at that age. The host said I have not changed a bit, and that I look as good now as I did then. All I can attribute it to is not smoking and being physically fit…and perhaps a few good genes thrown in. In the middle of the party while eating a pizza someone brought, suddenly I was choking. This happens occasionally when it is noisy or hectic and I can’t concentrate on eating and swallowing. One of the many carryovers from my brain injury. Panicking and unable breathe, I found myself trying to cough it up. It was frightening that no one tried to help, although they were looking at me. Funny thing is a few people are in the health field. Luckily, I was able to cough up what I did not properly chew. It is nice to be relaxed enough among friends that I can do what I need to do. A few people asked where I was from, not knowing I have a brain injury. But no one was interested to find out how it happened, so I was spared having to explain. Most of these people that needed to know, did not pursue any more conversation. I am fine with that! I still had love from my good friends, and I am not greedy.