18 December, 2007

Blowing Off Steam

I have been noticing that I am feeling uneasy. That is uneasy not depressed. It is not affecting my sleep, eating or exercise. I've been seeking small pleasures to avoid seeing the real hopelessness I sometimes feel about my life. This can be brought about by not enough work, or unable to see my partner more. When I see myself craving a little piece of dark chocolate or a cup of good coffee, it is a sign. I am almost unable to do anything, perhaps paralyzed by the fear of not knowing. Sure, I can exercise, see friends and maintain obligations and order. So really, what I am experiencing can’t be witnessed by those around me. Which is fine, my experiences are just that… mine. I will say I am fairly confident that are not unique to me. Meanwhile, I am nursing a knee injury that keeps from running, but not swimming or yoga. I should turn this whole experience I am feeling to use as an exercise in dying. Like the dying of knee or my vision with age, is a small taste. There is more where that came from. We all die, and the sooner we realize this we can focus on the present. So we enjoy relaxing with death. I still can laugh, see the beauty of life, people, and kindness. I heard of a great story of a lay minister helping immigrants in Tulsa unslaved, which prompted me to write a thank you to him. So with the uneasiness, I can still see things as they really are. All of which will be explored when I do the 10 day meditation.

1 comment:

Ten Thousand Suns said...

Uneasiness. Often in myself it arrives as a result of a lack of a sense of purpose, a felt absence of direction that confounds vision and causes feet to feel as if they've somehow slipped off their correct path. In myself, I find this is often a symptom of not knowing what it is I truly seek, what path I truly wish to follow.
Perhaps you will find this as well.
Your upcoming time of intensive meditation may be a boon to you, or it may be a time of great discomfort.
I can only offer you these two words, which have often guided my feet back to their rightful place.

Augen auf my friend, augen auf. And good luck.

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