24 December, 2010

Month of Silence in January

I was sleeping and settled into one of my complex, but fun dreams when I awoke a kicking sound on my house. I heard some giggling and talking, and rolled over to go back to sleep. Once I am awakened by something out of the ordinary it is usually hard to go back to sleep, as the mind goes towards the sound. I lay down with my hand on my heart and my belly to try to ignore it, but I can't. Looking out of my bedroom window, I realize that three dot-com kids were drinking and smoking, but not really raising hell, is a flashback to my club days. I am them. I think how best to make them aware that the casual kicking of my wall while they talk, magnifies like a drum in my bedroom. I can no longer be the hilarious joker I was in the past with my speech problem, but I really want to go outside and say, “Ahh, While dreams of sugarplums dance in my head!” I want them to know, but in a lighthearted way. So I go outside, with a smile say, “Yes? It is all good, but the kicking woke me up."

I can tell by the way the reacted that it did not piss them off and they quietly walked back down to their house below. I really did not care if they stayed, but that is the way it played out. I ended up reading an hour more in bed to quiet the mind, which quite frankly would have been the time they would have tired of being there in the cold. Was it all really necessary?

Which brings me to the desire for wisdom and peace, and much of it has to do with what goes on in my head. I know from having a sarcastic Father, and a hard upbringing that his difficulties brought on his quick and biting humor. But I really no longer have to instigate negative speech to interact with people, and of course I do it at least half as much as I did years ago. I said in an earlier post that I figure that I should go silent in day-to-day life for a month, exist with a pad and pen while out, emails and text…my life allows this. I know that I am too lazy to write anything that is not absolutely necessary for communication. I have had previous experience coming from non-speech to my present state with my injury. What has lately come to mind is the fact that I worked hard to get some of my speech back, only to use on occasion negative speech …when I am in fact happy and have a pretty good life. I try to be the light when I go the gym and do errands, but my brain injury is such that just talking is terribly difficult, so I often frown when it gets complex beyond a few words. Most of the time it is the mechanics of speech, and my desire to pick simpler words to speak for the listener. When I encounter people in stores or cafes too busy to pay attention I try to make it easier on them and thus, me ...by either waiting until I am alone with them(letting others go ahead) so they can pay attention to me talking. When they don’t or can’t it actually aggravates me when I am trying to communicate, and so my peace quickly flies out the door.

So being silent can work on two areas of wisdom at once. One being watching everything you want to say, and where the feeling comes from, and two hopefully easing some difficult times for me in interactions. What I say in most all cases is not really necessary for survival. It will be interesting to see friends and not talk. Some won’t be able to handle it and it will only be those who talk too much already.

So the month of January I will try as much as possible not to speak, except Pali prayers at temple, and will write about this. I will wear my Silence proverb t-shirt at the gym(in the hopes to inspire others), and I have told a few people my desire not to speak, so this is not yet another freaky new thing I am doing.

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