Reflections

When I try to recall my old self, it appears like a reflection of who I so desperately wanted to be. A mash-up of societies pressure, advertising made clones as examples, and trauma escapism...a real fragmented version. I know, now that I could never be the person I am now without the hardships and the blessings. Who was I in the past if I wasn’t what I thought was the complete me? Well we all know that you can’t really love another until you love yourself and that is some of it. Not is some narcissistic way, but in a holistic balanced understanding of your self in relation to the world and others that often appears to be outside. So my first thought is that it may be directly connected to the subtle realization that one is not separate from the world or life in general. But I cannot downplay the positive effects of the “sonic birth” with the M.B.L. therapy. I have made some important changes with my 10-day Vipassana’s preparing myself to welcome personal growth through self-realizations in samadhi. This is along with a daily 1 hour meditation habit. This was important when I got to the wall in the process of M.B.L. allowing to break down and safely continue it until completion. 

I will go on my eighth Vipassana this Friday in two years. I know this will have more positive effects in my relationship especially with the dampening down of any expectations that are a result of my perceived needs that I may project on my partner. It will be a whirlwind of change for both of us when we marry, and I have to provide stability and ease for him when he starts the immigration process. He welcomes the change now, as he tires of the class distinction in Thailand. But we all know that his nature won’t fully change, and he still be himself at home in, to him, is a foreign country. The great thing is he not doing it for me, and for now sees it as an opportunity to be our own complete family given his troubled upbringing. 

Perhaps the reflection I see now is one of my natural compassion rising, not driven by fears and desires that were based in self-hatred. Anyway, a nice indication of my change was when my partner fell asleep in my lap today, feeling comfortable with the love I project, instead of feeling any demands.