23 May, 2014

The Way-Back Machine: A Rebirth

Most of us can agree, that any experience we have had is stored in the body, waiting to influence our next move or interaction in a stealth way. One might never recall certain things just because they were painful the first go around. No need to relive old pain, there is plenty enough of brand spanking new pain to involve yourself in for eternity. Which is probably the reason why most people don't explore other avenues besides reviewing it with a psychologist. Like when life presents a challenge like divorce, break-up, alcoholism or job loss. Most would approach new problems as they develop, understanding how to cope with them as they unfold. When I was younger, I saw a psychologist after a job loss seemed to pull the carpet out from beneath me. After a couple of sessions unraveling my past as a clue to why it was a difficult time for me, I found myself with more issues than I thought, I came in with. I was intelligent enough to know that she would have to steer me into thinking differently about what happened currently and the past probable causes. But that it was going to me that made changes in thought patterns or perception and so I discontinued and started a new business. That kept me busy not to wallow in my misery just enough, but that I had stamped back down some of the causes which were too painful to deal with.

If I look back now at my life, then it did seem like behavior/problems were bubbling up in different ways, while at the same time I wasn't totally useless. I was able to cope, keep some friends, and be involved in relationships.  There lies the problem if it doesn’t affect you enough to make you want/need a change then it all seems fine. But various times in my life I would look at others, and wonder why they seemed to have an almost carefree life, and things came up rosy more often for them. Sometimes it is just a one-sided perception, but other times it is spot on with its ability to show you that something is not quite right in your life.

There is also the reason that once I had been exposed to the brightness of someone who has a successful life made better by a holotrophic breathwork session. He also gave me my first one to try as a gift. And my second session last Sunday, was definitely a birth trauma leading to rebirth. It seems to follow going back in time from my first session to trapped feelings surrounding my birth. Most babies don’t want to leave the womb and so begins maybe the first fear one encounters. You don’t remember it, but your body stores it. Now, of course I will never really know if my session was rebirth or not, but as an intelligent perceptive person it did seem very close. A black hole surrounded by golden light, and I encountered a fear where I was flipping my head left and right, and broke into a scream/cry, “NO” while crunching up into a ball for quite a long time. Later, it subsided into a sense of forgiveness for me, and others. Then as the music got more peaceful, morphed into a resurrection of sorts, a heart opening. It was resolved in its own way, and has left me exhausted for a few days. Emotionally drained, but not in a bad way. I do feel calmer, and able to let things go easier.

One might say he made this all up to conquer it, or it was never really a rebirth just symbols of what I might be holding on to that needed a release. (Perhaps it was my near death or the insertion of stomach tube?) That the body only replayed something that it is familiar with or the active mind made up, but time will show me the scope of change brought on by whatever this experience was. Subsequently, after these last two sessions my dreams are current time wise, meaning, I think that I am not going over childhood fears or traumas and I even said my current age in one a few nights ago. My dreams have also included a new conscious awareness of absurdness of them when I am dreaming which then takes me out of them calmly.

My intention was to make myself as well adjusted as I can be, so that my partner will sense a greater stability with all the change he will encounter that is outside of us. So that in our home, he won’t feel like a stranger with less of my unresolved body sensations that could percolate out with our marriage. It was never a perfect world, and he has had a difficult time himself, and I don’t need to add to it. 

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