10 May, 2014

Life is ...a Set-up

All wrapped in me, we stumble through life trying to find meaning. Often while wasting time searching out all kinds of supposedly happiness, that lie outside of our little bubbling internal world. So, here I am, fixing all the things I need to so that when my partner arrives, I can spend all my time with him showing him around, with no pressing projects to finish. It is becoming obvious that I am continuing to set him up in the best way, I know how. It will become his house soon enough, I was a temporary babysitter, really. And re-coating the floors today, I realized to love him ...was to believe in him, giving him as much help as he needed to flourish. Many years ago, when he was between jobs and was kind of lost I kept offering to help him finish school. Too proud at first, to take me up on my offer, he resisted. Knowing him now, it was to preserve our love by not being a taker. Then one day he decided, knowing I would also have to help with support him for a while. He got a loan for the first year, then the Thai government stopped the loans, not wanting too many people smart as evident by the current political turmoil. Luckily, he was well into it to quit out of pride, and I jumped in to help.The rest is our history, and he went on to a masters while working at the same time.

Now, for him to leave his country, and almost everything he knows is brave and he does this out of appreciation for me being there for all these 13 years. I saw a beautiful transformation in all these years, and when he had the visa in his hand, a humbling and loving appreciation which he recounted with true honesty. He never thought it could happen, beyond most of his dreams. I replay that day in Bangkok over and over in my head, because it all unrehearsed and true to the love we share. Our “marriage” was years ago, and the upcoming legal one will just be icing for us. Meanwhile, I work hard on letting go of any expectations, knowing him well enough to be able to work within his capability.

My recent holotrophic breathwork sessions have released a lot of deep down internalized anxiety from my childhood that would direct how I see the world and react in the past. And I did it all to make me the best partner I can be.

One can find meaning in life by helping others. You don't have to be a mother or even a lover ...just someone searching for meaning to our complex life. Helping others you will, at one point, find the greatest love of all...yourself.

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