Certainly, I
like so many others… I suffer. Sure, I have real good excuse, a brain injury
with a speech disability, combined with being gay. One of the problems, I had
in the past was sharing my misery with others. Not completely wiped out, but
with constant awareness I have managed to keep a handle on it. I think it has
come a lot easier now that I finally married my partner of 13 years, and our
long separation has ended. Frustration is a communicable disease. Also, if I get enough
sleep, which us brain injured lucky
winners need to have to keep the good parts working to their full
advantage.
Sharing
misery can slip out in even a casual greeting, first contact with others, and
it doesn’t necessary have to be a vocalized action and come from not being
present with others in a positive way. With my brain injury, if I am involved
with anything else, from a simple door opening to signing in with a code, then
any interruption is felt as interference to task at hand. Often people don’t
know how severely this affects brain injured people, but my point in not to
make another excuse. This is perhaps a way to doubly make sure to present a
smiling face even when the brain is saying, “what’s this?” I figure if I
re-condition the brain, whenever I am aware, by smiling, joking positively…or
even stopping what I am doing to engage even when inconvenient or disruptive.
Many times
in the past, I have shared my misery in a negative joking comment, never
knowing I was leaving a black cloud around me thus creating more misery. I have
often made fun of fake positive people to the point of stirring the “shit.” I,
of course learned this, but that is not an excuse at my age. But, it may come
to this extreme measure to change the brain. And it finally produced an example
yesterday, when I spoke to a fellow yogi going to class who had never heard me
speak. She was amazed I do what I do, because what she has seen or felt of me
was always positive. I have also seen wisdom teachers who say that if we always
see what is wrong with the world that we can’t change, we become more of the
problem than the solution. We will also attract negative, more than positive
people.
I am very
fortunate to have a smiling partner who could see my intentions even when I was not always
positive in nature. He inspires me to change, too by not allowing me to
maintain any negativity. Now a
joke with us, as my moods, are fast to exit, because the mind-body knows that to maintain
creates...yes, more misery. With my meditation too, I have seen what well-worn paths
in the brain drive me to deviate from positive. “Don't go there, fool!,” I remind myself. In my case with aphasia, it may
be doubly hard, but this never takes into consideration the many difficulties
others face in their lives. Which leads me to compassion for others, while
having compassion for one self. I want to experience a beautiful world, which
in so many ways I have, and now want to share with others in a smiling,
positive manner…even when it may seem fake, once in awhile to me.
