21 June, 2007

a new beginning

A jump start for you all. I had a simple cosmetic surgery go horribly wrong. That combined with an anesthesiologist who was high and a negligent doctor in a clinic setting who allowed me to seizure. In a post-surgery nightmare, the anesthesiologist napped or watched TV all night and the doctor left to go home. Ten hours of being trapped in my own body in a traumatic state going in and out of consciousness, someone got the great idea( I heard phone calls between the doctor and anesthesiologist) to wheel me to ICU, luckily across the street. At that point I heard a nurse say to the anesthesiologist…“What the hell did you do to this guy?” While being intubated, I passed out again. Waking somewhat when the nurse was doing CT brain scans at which point, I left my body and traveled high above near the ceiling and was half-way down the hall. The nurse, saw my eyes roll back in my head, and called my name to make me come back to my body. I slipped into a coma, to awake in a little over a week later, to a shocked family and partner staring in a very concerned manner. I checked in enough with what brain I had left to know that I have to work on making them feel better. The doctors told my family to prepare for my death, or if I survived, I would not be able to eat, walk, or talk. No one told me how bad it was. Six weeks later, I hobbled out of the hospital, speechless and with a stomach tube. Thanks to the love of my family and partner.

Along with this journey, I had come the realization that I needed to change to hasten the healing process and it all helped to launch me on a dhamma path. One cannot really fully heal until you take responsibility for your life and not blame others.  And this came after falling down in the years after, stumbling on my anger. Part, out of a normal effects after brain damage, and part of my conditioning as a child.  It was a much needed gift, and I would not go back to my successes and my ‘complete’ brain of the past. It was a waste...I was not really conscious, anyway. I never wanted to be pathetic person, yet was projecting this, for awhile. In the years that have past, much of what I thought I was burned off as I slowly leaned towards wisdom. Rewarded in small doses, as I learned more, I could see more. Now, hopefully I can inspire others. 
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