Then sit with it. Looking forward to my first 20-day Vipassana, because I am now a bit more familiar with my mind. For those not familiar with Geonka's Vipassana's they are about 10 hour sitting meditation per day, with no phones, no internet and no contact (besides teachers). One is on your own pretty much, self disciplined for the most part by the time you can qualify for a 20-day. I like my location for it's remoteness and they have a pagoda with individual cells to get deeper faster when there is no body but you inside.
How sadness and anger come
and go naturally, and how the body reacts when all other distractions are not
available. I will be curious during the latter half, when I totally give up on
the planning mind and just be and watch. I know by now, my body usually
disappears, especially sitting in a pagoda cell, and I am left with mental
awareness. This all happens, as concentration gets stronger. I can spin on
whether “I” exist at this moment, and with no contact, whether there was ever a “Was
Once.” I do know once I pass from this life in this body, besides the first
year of family and partner exhibiting some grief and sadness, it won’t really
matter …which will play into the ego’s fear of non-existence. Curious, if that was ever important.
I know a couple
of servers who will be there, and they told me that anger usually rears its
ugly head with men who sit their first 20 days, and they jokingly said they
will move my shoes, or mess with my meals just to see how it will play out. I
have learned a lot about myself serving, in fact far faster than sitting a 10 day
course, so this all will hopefully give my partner more to marvel at as I dump
even more anger. He is has been kind to mention unprompted that he has seen a
huge change from when he first met me 14 years ago, which is contrary to most people as they age. Knowing I need more maturation, I have working towards this sit and not to hand a badge on my wall of more suffering. Something inside is driving me which is exciting.
