30 December, 2018

Moments of Light

My practice, which manifests itself for me mostly as a gradual unfolding. It is very subtle, as we know patience is the first virtue. Perhaps you might see one more second before you react allowing one to take the wiser path. Steering one away from potential anger or further difficulties will hopefully repeat more and more as a new happiness habit. That is because one is the first victim of any difficult states of mind. I visited family for the second time this year, and my sister noticed, and Mom felt the need to outline why my life was difficult with my father. Meaning she felt comfortable, not pinned down or accused…more relaxed. The extra second helped many times, but is imperative to be rested and fed with my brain injury. I am no saint, always perfecting and maintaining my wisdom intention goal before life comes to a screeching halt.

I recently saw someone speak about healing traumas as an essential first step on any path. Some traumas are passed down through every generation, and for me it is imperative that they stop here even though I have no children. I completed my second full course of Tomatis Mozart Therapy this year, where we focused on my emotional traumas instead of trying to heal the brain injury with a program designed for me. We both came to the conclusion the happier and more resolved I am, the faster I heal. And what I don’t heal will not bother me as much. All emotional expectations from previous life experiences as well as current drop away thus letting the purity of my being shine through. “Me” as I currently present myself, with less of the frustration of being unable to communicate with speech.

Many years ago, when I returned home from the hospital, and my lover then and I split, compounded difficulties. I would roll in the “why me”, anger and crying running between each. I had started on my speech therapy, and acupuncture to complete my chi flow taking the bus to each. It was one day, laying on my back looking up through a skylight I had in my home, exhausted from crying that it became a bit clearer that this emotional moment was the furthest from healing.  Wisdom does come in small tastes, not a five-course meal. So my intention that was to live and heal carried deep down in my psyche, and I would lean there when life presented itself as a problem. Later wisdom presented itself as “it is not always about me” and leaded to helping others where I volunteered in post-stroke readjustments in a hospital setting with new survivors, which I detailed in past posts. I will never forget the young man paralyzed from the neck down from a bike wreck he had. I wrote a heart felt letter to him, detailing why he should never get down on himself and carry any blame, it could have been me when I got my first dirt bike at 14. I saw myself in him. I said focus instead on healing, be proud and happy to be alive.  I am still letting go, unfolding, becoming lighter and laughing at myself and hopefully helping others.

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